I would try to write something about what I truly liked about that person that was sincere and specific…something like “things just aren’t the same around here since you’ve been gone, I miss your level head, your well-thought out opinions and especially your snarky whispers at the ZPTN meetings. I think of you with such fondness and affection, Sven”
another way to come up with some ideas is to imagine what you hope people would write to you if you were the one dying.
Bolding mine.
I think this nails it; and most people, towards the end are comforted in knowing they mattered. So if all you plan to do is write a card, try to convey that.
I also agree that, if the relationship is at all close, practical help, visits and such can be a huge comfort. Many people are intimidated by the dying and tend to withdraw.
Wait until you actually need something and no one has even said this. Knowing someone has sent you good wishes and expressed that they are available to help is helpful in and of itself. Not everyone wants you showing up, washing their car, etc., especially someone dying. The loss of control over these things can add to the dying person’s pain, but they don’t want to sound churlish or ungrateful over your well-meaning attempts. They may not want to feel like a charity case or project, but would appreciate knowing that you are thinking of them.
Been there. In the 6 months of 24hr/day care-taking for my dying husband, I heard it a lot. But nobody followed up. And I was a tad too involved in care-taking to call people and beg. While my house disintegrated around me. While I couldn’t get to the store for diapers. The people who will be in my heart forever, are the ones who just came over and said-I will sit with him while you take 1/2 hr. for a shower, a trip to the store, to make a phone call, to do anything I needed to do. The guy who just showed up and cut the grass-I didn’t even know he was there since the house was closed up against the painful effects on my husband of brite light and outdoor odors. But he cut the lawn and hauled the clippings away and I never knew a thing until I went outside.
I do hatefully remember the neighbor who knocked on the door to over his condolences and added the by then much hated “if there’s anything I can…” While he was standing in my carport, where, an unused TV antenna was hanging from the roof of the house by wires–said antenna had blown off, and I didn’t know what to with it or how to do anything, so it just bumped bumped bumped against the house. I was too astonished to even say anything.
Yeah, it’s a hot button for me. I remain steadfast in my opinion that it’s a meaningless platitude.
Hatefully? Because a neighbor visited you, offered condolences, but did not fix your TV antenna even though you didn’t ask them to?
Understandably upset by the circumstances, I think your feelings were misdirected. It doesn’t even sound like you attempted to take anyone up on their offered help, which is understandable, but not their fault at all. What makes you think you’d have had to “beg” for help rather than simply offer some direction?
Personally, I had to leave my dying mother’s hospital room to drive two hours to buy dog food because my idiot non-rent-paying roommate apparently couldn’t round up ten dollars on his own. Had anyone made the “let me know if there’s anything I can do” offer, I’d certainly have asked them to take care of this for me, but no one did.
Urbanredneck, if you’ll forgive my directness, is this a one-time card you’re sending to a coworker/acquaintance, or is this a friend? The reason I ask is that I think your approach should be dictated by your relationship with the person.
You see, pretty much everybody is going to send a get well card or a “thinking of you” card one time. So the cards will come all in a bunch and will dry up really quickly. When you’re sick with something serious like cancer, the days just drag out in front of you, and after all the initial good will wishes from everyone, you kind of feel abandoned and even forgotten.
I had an elderly very dear friend of my family, who had no real family of her own except one sister who was mean to her and a nephew who was waiting for her to die so he could get his hands on her stuff. She had been ill for a very long time but was finally diagnosed with leukemia, which was never really treated. Anyway, I just started sending her cards in the mail every few days. Some days it was several days in a row. Other times it was a couple of times a week. Some were blank, some were “thinking of you” type cards, some were just “you’re special” cards. Almost all of them were from the dollar store - 2 cards for a dollar. I would write little things in them about thinking about her that day or things like “dance a jig and laugh today - people will wonder what you’re up to” lol. I kept it up for almost a year before she died, even repeating cards when I couldn’t find new ones to send her. Anyway, she got SUCH a kick out of those cards that if I went too long (in her opinion) without sending one, she would call me and tell me she was disappointed in not finding a card in her mailbox from me, and I needed to go get some more! She was such a hoot! I still miss her dearly.
My point in all this is that she looked forward to them, they really didn’t cost me much money or effort, and I knew they brightened her day. And that brightened mine.
Re what DummyGladHands posted, I agree that, if you are good friends with this person and know what needs to be done around their house, it’s very much appreciated for someone to cut the grass, pull the weeds, wash the car, fix the antenna, etc. Lots of people will bring food. But very few will do yardwork/housework/repairs/kid wrasslin’, etc.
Anyway, I suppose the amount of what you do, as well as the depth of it, if that makes sense, should be dictated by how close you are to them now. Nobody’s suggesting you offer to take them out on the town for a wild night of hookers and blow, but if that’s on their “bucket” list, and you’re a close enough friend, then maybe the time is right.
In fact, if your friend has a raucous sense of humor, you could send him an entire series of cards/letters with the theme of “If you didn’t have cancer I would…” with a different ending each time, such as “take you out on the town for a wild night of hookers and blow.” or “fly you to Mexico for some real tequila - you would get the worm.” or “take you up in a hot air balloon and let you pee over the bucket onto your mother-in-law’s roof.” or “cook you every food you haven’t been allowed to eat for the last 15 years, starting with fatty stuff and continuing with liquor.” You get the point. You could have some fun with that, and he could as well if that’s his sense of humor.
I wouldn’t recommend using this unless you were really close to the person and knew that they would appreciate it - otherwise, it sounds like you are counseling them “don’t be afraid to die,” which it isn’t your place (I assume) to do.
Having said that, personally I think it’s a beautiful sentiment. I hadn’t heard it before, but I’m going to hang on to it.
I’ve nothing to add to the discussion on what to write on a card.
But please try not to be afraid. When people get sick, sometimes the people who love them the most are also most afraid and they end up alone even though they are deeply loved.
If you must be afraid, go visit anyway. Depending on your relationship, you can still acknowledge your fear or discomfort. Doing so may help them acknowledge their own emotions.
But please, for yourself, don’t be too afraid of the illness, or what they might look like, or of your own mortality. It’s a special gift to be with a friend when they are going through the dying process.