"If apples and oranges were razor blades, you could shave with a fruit salad"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is an expression someone said to me in May 2007, an expression that basically meant “Yeah, if ___ was the case then ___ would be the case.”

I just Googled it today- nothing. Here’s the weirdest part: if you put “shave with a fruit salad” in quotes and search you get one result- and it’s for a pdf document discussing f*%# Ayn Rand.

I made a free account for that pdf site just to look at that pdf document- but in the document, I can’t find the part that says “shave with a fruit salad”- control F doesn’t find it, it’s obviously not part of the pdf.

Can anyone help?

2

Try here, I found this:

If I declare: “Apples are razors and oranges are blades; therefore, one can shave with fruit salad,” this is not a process of cognition at all;…"

3

And because this thread reminded me of a clip I haven’t seen in a long time…

4

Scotty, Star Trek Scotty…said “If my Grandma had wheels, she’d be a wagon”

5

All from an old Yiddish joke – the version I heard was, “if my grandmother had balls and a prick, she’d be my grandfather.”

6

If my grandmother had a hood ornament, she’d be an Oldsmobile.

7

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride” dates to 1628 at the latest. There must be a great number of variations on this theme.

8

“If heartaches were commercials, we’d all be on TV”

  • John Prine

“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts then we’d all have a merry Christmas”

  • Sheldon Cooper
9

“If you call a calf’s tail a leg, how many legs does a calf have? Four, because a tail isn’t a leg.”

Abraham Lincoln

10

If a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its ass when it hopped.

11

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… now you tell me what you know.”
― Groucho Marx

12

“If wishes were horses, the antecedent of this conditional would be true.” - Douglas Hofstadter

13

A sort of variant would be my mother’s (I suspect from her mother) “If we had some ham we could have a ham sandwich, if we had some bread”

14

Your mother was clearly a comedian. I hope she took 2 beats before the second part.

15

If the dog hadn’t stopped to shit, he woulda caught the rabbit.

16

If King of the Hill has taught me nothing else, it’s that Sheldon stole that line from Dandy Don Meredith.

17

Mom would occasionally exclaim in moments of frustration “Balls, said the Queen. If I had to (two?) I could be king!”

18

Mom’s version: “If we had ham we could have ham and eggs if we had some eggs”

19

Have you noticed that when life gives you lemons, it doesn’t usually give you water and sugar?

20

“A farting horse will never tire. A farting man is the one to hire.”

Not relevant to the OP, I’ve just always liked that one.