This is truly laughable except for the person whose home was invaded by a trio who might be called the gang who couldn’t shoot straight.
What a bunch of knuckleheads.
Sometimes the jokes write themselves.
Whut’s the “L” stand for, “Lack of marksmanship”? BWAAA ha ha ha! I slay me! You’re right, Homebrew, the jokes DO write themselves!
Ahem. Carry on. 
Don’t knock it. I’ll take incompetent criminals over competent anytime. Carry on bank robbers who write their demand notes on the back of personal cheques et al. I’m sure the authorities appreciate the help.
I don’t know if this is true, and not sure where I heard it, probably on the radio recently- but a guy walks into a liquor store & tells the cashier to empty out the register. She does. Then he demands a bottle of whiskey from behind the cashier. She says she thinks he looks underage. To prove he’s legal, he pulls out his driver’s license, the cashier takes down his info, gives him the whiskey, & he leaves. Cashier calls cops, directs them to the guy’s house. Guy is arrested.
Dope.
A guy goes into Hamish’s store and commits armed robbery; cleans out the till and Hamish’s wallet. Hamish recognizes him as a former employee of the same store. They have his address, phone number, frigging Social Insurance number on file. This information and security video are divulged to police.
Guy is not arrested. Hamish bitterly jokes that maybe they would have done something if he told them that the guy was a student protester or an underage dancer in a gay strip club or something.
More feckless criminals. What a riot.
The one that really sticks out in my head was something I saw on “Americas most armed and stupid” or some other similarly titled show.
A man attempted to rob his local gun shop … with a knife.
The whole thing was captured on the store video, with predictable results.
Having been robbed, I’ll say, “not me!” loud and clear to this one. I’d rather be robbed by an expert who knows exactly what he/she is doing and wants, gets it and then casually leaves. It’s the idiot who ends up killing people after he screws things up because he does not know what else to do that worries me.
One of the worst was my mother being taken hostage during a robbery. She was robbed mid-day at her business, they set off the alarm without knowing it and hung around trying to get into the safe. So they go outside, see the SWAT team and take her hostage to make a get away. My mother, being the smart person she is, figures if they get away with her she’s dead so she drops to the ground. At this point, the freakin idiot ** raises his weapon and points it at the SWAT team**. I am sure people only need one guess to figure out what happened to him. I failed to mention that they beat the ever-lovin shit out of her when she said she didn’t know the safe combo. Pistol whipping really does a lot of injury to a person’s face.
Nope, gimmie an expert anyday.
That’s a pretty damn unique perspective you got there The Long Road Hope to og i never get that detailed a look at crime. Hope your mother recovered well from the experience.
I’ve got a stupid criminal story. A guy bowls a professional tournament - they are required to wear their names on the back of their shirts in two inch letters - and loses. He’s so desperate he goes to a convenience store and robs them, still wearing his name on the back of his shirt! All caught on video.
:wally
Seems appropriate to post a link to the Bozo Criminal site.
I have to second the ‘get robbed by a professional’ idea.
I was robbed twice while working at my local “Stop 'N Rob”. The first time the guy was cool and professional.
The second guy brought a traineee (I guess). They were both nervous wrecks which made me nervous, too.
Later, my manager said he liked to have women work at night because the robbers were likely to only rape us as opposed to killing men. Thanks, boss, (ex boss).
I used to see stories like these from time to time on Security Alerts sent out to bankers. My favorite happened some years ago, and the details may be fuzzy. No cite either, sorry. As you may know, Southern California is considered the bank robbery capital of the country. The story of one theft attempt stands out in my mind.
Man goes into an Occidental Bank branch in suburban LA around lunchtime. He intends to obtain money by presenting a theft note. He has no paper, so he writes the note on the back of an Occidental Bank deposit slip. He then gets in line to wait.
Well, it is lunchtime, the busiest time of the day for the branch. Some of the tellers are also on their lunch break. The line of waiting customers is therefore too long for our hero.
He leaves the Occidental branch and goes to the Bank of America branch across the street. Fortunately for our hero, the line there is shorter. He reaches the teller window and presents his note. The same note he’d written at the other branch.
The teller takes the deposit slip, and sees that the front is blank. She flips it over and sees the note. She then turns it back to face up and slides it back to our now-startled hero.
She then informs the robber that she can’t accept the note.
He asks why not.
She explains that it is an Occidental Bank slip and that she isn’t allowed to accept it. She also volunteers that he will have to take it back to an Occidental branch, where she is sure they can help our hero.
He goes back across the street and once again waits patiently in the customer line for the “right” teller to accept his note.
Where he is arrested for attempted bank robbery.
I recall the law enforcement representative quoted in the article expressing the wish that there were more criminal minds like his.
I wonder how many of those stories end in “she made some smart ass remark about not being able to give him the money so he blew her face off with a shotgun”. Doesn’t have the same comic flare I guess.
My former stepfather’s father runs a bank in a very small town in Mississippi, and is a very prominent citizen. As in, the town is named after his family, and he’s the current patriarch of the family.
He had a hidden office in his bank with surveillance equipment and some personal weaponry. He stayed in there, and once or twice when someone tried holding up the bank he surprised them and handled that situation real quick. What a hardass old man.
Did I mention that he lives in a plantation house with those huge columns and grows cotton? He also breeds and raises national champion hunting dogs. He was a Southern gent to the bone. Used to sit in his bank office whittling, too.
That just seemed like such a cool story, and I hadn’t thought of it in forever. Sorry for the hijack.
LC
Guess you’ve never seen the inside of an LA bank 
Really tough to blow off the teller’s face through 1.5" of bullet proof glass.
Another anecdote for the “what sort of criminal would you prefer to be robbed by?” poll:
If I ever have the misfortune to be held at gunpoint by an outlaw, I hope he’s as polished as my late brother Terry was.
Terry robbed banks. Quite a few of them, actually. Although it became something of a routine of his for a while, in order to support an unsupportable addiction, observers agree that it was generally out-of-character for him. He was a really nice guy. He never stopped being a nice guy, even when he was committing armed robbery.
Terry’s amiable disposition made for some surreal courtroom moments-- especially in the case of the testimony of some of the female witnesses. Two things stand out in my memory the best-- one witness (a bank customer) commented that it was easy to pick him out of the police lineup, even absent the disguise. They had each person step forward and say “Have a nice day,” since this was a signature phrase that he used in each of the hold-ups. According to one witness, Terry was the only one who sounded as though he actually meant it. The single most memorable quote from the trial came from one of the tellers, though. When instructed to describe the man who asked, from behind a sawed-off shotgun, that she empty her cash drawer for him, she replied: “He had the sort of eyes that just made you want to take him home with you.” That’s not a paraphrase, it’s verbatim, from the court recorder’s transcript.
Oh yeah, Terry had charm. And big brown cow-eyes, too.