I can’t beleive that in the 21st century, among people in their 40’s this still holds sway!
I have a friend who really, really needs stop wasting her time with a guy she’s been seeing the last few weeks. We’ve all heard of & seen how too many people stay in bad relationships because they’ve “invested too much emotional capital” and, like gamblers being drained at the slots, feel that any time now things will change if they just keep the faith. But, frankly, for a lot of women this comittment crosses a major line after they’ve had sex.
“I don’t want to lose one of my ten chances to not be a slut” (I’m not saying they necessarily use the word “slut,” what with all its freight; but, more to the point, the concept of “failure” with whatever particular word which conveys it is what is implied).
Me, I was lucky enough to be raised in a weird historical nexus between the era of old-fashioned discretion where a lady’s good name was never questioned and the Sexual Revolution where everyone was assumed to be going at it like rabbits and it was no big deal. And even when my wife would have moments of insecurity and want to know about my sexual past, I could get away with the following response:
"I was…the French Lieutenants WHORE!"
But really, is there some number that we all dread, beyond which we’ve proved that we suffer from a serious psychosexual disorder?
When a man can reject a woman for being a slut even though she’s only had sex with half the people that he has, I don’t think that we’re in such a utopia of sexual freedom as some might think. That doesn’t speak to why someone might consider themselves a slut after a certain number of partners, except that perhaps they have imbibed some measure of the perception of others.
I don’t think it’s numbers that make a slut. Situations, maybe. If you have to keep breaking the trust of partners by cheating on them, if you have to fuck for the thrill of the chase and the kill (rather than because sex is fun) without regard to whom you’re chasing, if you have to get wasted or drunk before you have sex, if you take crazy risks, that’s slutty. If you’ve just fucked a lot of people, you’re lucky, popular, or as a former co-worker put it, have great social skills.
While I love your response to your wife, by the way, my nosiness would ask for round numbers, at the very least.
I would like to point out for anyone that is unaware, what the difference is between a slut and a bitch.
A slut has sex with everyone.
A bitch has sex with everyone except you.
I can’t believe that people in their 40s would be discussing numbers with each other. Seriously. Of course, I’m of the cohort that came of age after the pill and before AIDS – but if a guy were to ask me that (and none of, oh, the last 10 or so have), I wouldn’t answer the question. It’s not actually any of his business what I’ve been doing for the last 30 years plus, or who I’ve been doing it with. Am I a virgin? No. Do I have any STDs? No. Beyond that, bucko, NOYDB.
I can’t say I’ve ever given raw numbers all that much stock.
You’re in your 40s and you’ve had sex with ten partners? Not a slut.
You’re a freshman in college and you’ve already had sex with ten partners? Congratulations, you’re well on your way to slutsylvania.
Notice I said partners as these situations apply to both men and women. The biggest slut I’ve ever known is a guy (although in true guy fashion, I believe he’s inflating his total quite a bit).
Hmmm…are there ranks in this sluthood thing? Because I think I qualify for at least major, if not colonel…I may buck for a star when I go to Bear Trek next, though…
Meh. Mid-twenties here and I think it’s a fairly typical question for any kind of serious relationship. It isn’t your partners business any more than which countries you’ve traveled to or whether you’ve ever broken any bones is his/her business. But by making it into an overly-personal question which even your lovers cannot know, aren’t you giving credence to the impression that this is a number which really matters? If it has no particular social significance, why is this question off-limits?
I like you’re thinking here. Slut is more a charecter thing than a numbers thing. A great person male or female might go through a promiscuous phase and perhaps be a slut for a period but then grow out of it.
Here’s a question. Many years ago I noticed that the female of the species might date three or four guys a year, sleeping with all of them, but be monogamous to each relationship for the few months it lasted in order to maintain the “I’m a nice girl” concept. While I might sleep with three or four woman all year with physical intimacy overlapping for months sometimes and that was perceived as being a bad guy. I didn’t lie or deceive. I just didn’t need head games to justify playing the field , which is how I perceived what they were doing.
Neither way was slutty. As long as there was honesty and straightforwardness, both ways seem good to me.
One thing I noticed that was interesting to me was that the guy who’d had the fewest partners and the guy who’d had the most (I’m talking about partners I’ve had) both seemed equally embarrassed about their numbers. I don’t know why either of them were embarrassed, though.
funny how the mind works. For guys I guess too few means your a bit of a nerd or inexperienced and too many means you’re not to be trusted. Of course when guys talk to guys it’s a different story. Hopefully maturity changes that.
Some of you are living in the distant past (I’m 58, btw.) Numbers make you a mathmetician. Obsolete social standards make you a slut. Today, “slut” is a semi-admiring swat at a friend who has bedded more people than you. When I was in high school, it was a vicious insult. That reality has passed into the mist, as it should have. If your cable channels have “Leave It To Beaver”, you can get a hint of the nonsense I grew up with. Parents hoped, against all odds, that their kids would not FUCK until they were married, even though they, themselves, had concieved their firstborn before marriage.
Your parents fucked, your grandparents fucked, your great-grandparents fucked, and a lot of it happened before they were married. Yes, you were born of sluts. I’ts true. It isn’t evil. It’s only human. You’re not a demon, you’re just another person. We are all brothers and sisters.
Slut according to who? Some simple from Minnesota who married her high school sweethart at 18 and sits at home poping out kids and going to PTA meetings while her husband repairs copiers for a living?
It doesn’t matter really. People who were in one or only a few relationships often feel like their missing out on something. People who can’t commit and just sleep around a lot often find themselves in their 30s or 40s alone as their friends all get married. People always view anyone more sexually active than them as sluts and anyone less active as a prude.
If you’re old enough to get this reference, you’re old enough to have been with 10 mates for 2 years each, plus a little time in between for re-courtings.
Still traumatized by Jeremy Irons sideburns in that movie…
I’ve got this image of the entire posting population of the SDMB walking single file through a device that looks like an airport metal detector, and above it are illuminated signs…
I think timeframe is fairly important in this regard, such as:
“10 guys in one lifetime?” no, that’s fine.
“10 guys in 10 years?” meh, not so bad, I guess. Could stand to be a little more cautious about things, though.
“10 guys in less than 5 years?” getting kind of trampy, there.
“10 guys in 3 years or less?” welcome to slutsville, population you.
Also, context is important. If a woman’s been with many men, but they’ve all been fairly long-term relationships, it’s not a big deal. If a woman has had several one-night-stands, that’s pretty ho-bag. A history of cheating is also a pretty good indicator.
And yes, I feel this works in reverse (as in, for men) as well. I’m an equal-opportunity accuser.
