If I Know It's For the Best, Why Does it Hurt So Much?

I know, I know. You all told me so. Everyone said that my ex was not worth giving it another shot. I posted a rant in here a month or so ago about how I was mistreated and I was in love, and everyone told me to give up on her. I should have listened. But I didn’t, and now I hurt twice as bad as I did before.

Did anyone read my Thrunk on Danksgiving post? Well apparently that was an even worse idea than it originally seemed. Apparently I talked to her on AOL that night and said something stupid that made her hate me even more than she did previously. Way to go, Me!

But I love her, and even though she treated me like shit and I treated her like a princess, I will always have a special place in my heart for her and I will never hate her.

But it hurts so much. My heart is broken beyond repair, and I know that I can’t be in love again unless I can love myself; I find that increasingly harder to do when I realize that things were going great, she was coming around and getting back to being the person I fell in love with, but I fucked it up the same way I usually do.

The past is the past, and I should deal with it. But I can’t. So I will sit forever with a broken heart until another innocent person comes along so I can ruin their life and make them hate me, too.

I’m an idiot, I’m an asshole, I’m fucking USELESS, and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. So please, if I ever come across any of you in real life, just kill me, because I don’t even have the will to do that on my own. It would be a favor for humanity to not have me around to fuck up people’s lives, anyway.

MAKE THE PAIN STOP. PLEASE. SOMEONE. ANYONE.
I hate me.

-Syko

Well, Sir, not to play Monday morning quarterback, but I think a few of us on the board saw this coming.

Yeah bossk, I figured.

And not to play SDMB Asshole or anything, but I knew you would reply. Thanks for your honest opinion, though. I do appreciate it. But I can’t help thinking that it was my fault, that I did something wrong, that I should have been a better person and not fucked it up again.

I was the one starting the arguments, I was the one who couldn’t let shit go, I was the one who did this and that and every other goddamn thing that went wrong. It’s my fault.

I guess the best thing for me to do is either move on (not bloody likely) or crawl into a hole and hibernate (not bloody likely, either). Of course, there is the third option: feel fucking sorry for myself and eventually ruin someone else’s life with my own mental insability.

Fuck it.

-Syko

Sir, you might want to just sit down and watch a nihilistic movie like fight club to calm your nerves. There is something wonderful about the idea of destroying the world.

Also, and I don’t mean this as an insult, you could talk to your doctor about it. If they can’t help you or you don’t want take meds, you could see a psychologist. I have been in the same self-loathing state of mind and just talking about it makes it a bit better.

If you made her mad and she won’t accept your apologies, it is a big indicator of Bitchiness. We are your friends here, so I hope you don’t take “told ya so” responses to seriously. Those people just want to beat you down so they feel better instead of helping you with your problem.

It wasn’t your fault. You acted your nature, and if she didn’t like it, how are you ever supposed to appease her? No use staying in a relationship where you have to pretend.

We’re here to help.

Syko, you’re hurting badly right now but that’s whiplash effect. It’ll get better with time, honestly.

First off, “right now” isn’t “always”. Second, relationships take two, with shared responsibility. It’s NEVER all one sided. Usually it’s ordinary people muddling along and making mistakes. That happens. Third, it was a relationship with one individual out of how many millions. So the fit wasn’t right. That happens too. “One” doesn’t mean “all”.

It’s pointless to hate her OR yourself. (Though a nice gust of anger can be a refreshing change from pain, gotta say.) In the long run it’s important to do your grieving, learn what you can from it then forgive, forget then go on. Easier said than done but take it a day at a time.

Wishing you the best, pal.

Veb

Wow, a Moderator responded to one of my posts. Now I know I am loved.

In all seriousness, thank you all for your support. I know I will be OK, but right now I’m in a self-loathing, “fuck the world” kind of mood. But thank you all again for helping a legitimate “syko” beome a little more … well, not sane, but OK.

And yes, I will be talking to my shrink and LISTENING TO WHAT HE HAS TO SAY for once, and hopefully things will get better.

One day at a time, Syko … one day at a time…

But like I said before, FUCK IT.

Time to hibernate.

-Syko

SirSykoSexxy, there’s nothing I can say to make you feel better. You are in love, and being shat upon by the ‘lovee’. It happens. There’s little you can do to change it.

Time heals all wounds, so they say; but doing the time can be interminable. Each painful second, minute, and hour seems like an eternity. I doubt there’s a single Doper that hasn’t felt the agnst you are feeling right now. I, myself, included.

Trust me in this one little thing, you will feel better, eventually. See that light at the end of the tunnel? It isn’t a freight train, it’s the promise of better things to come. Really.

If love is a crime, consider that you’re doing the time. I feel for you, and feel so helpless because there’s nothing I can do to alleviate your pain. I can only offer you my sympathy, and my email addy is in my profile.

Yeah, and you know what? It is your fault. Because you didn’t heed us. We told you what you were in store for, but did you listen? Nooooooooooooooo.

Hey, I know you’re a fragile entity. We all do. But, know what? You gotta suck it up, trooper. As Grandpa used to say, LIFE AIN’T A BOWL OF CHERRIES.

That’s right. Feel sorry for yourself, punk.

I can see you’re feeling very low. So, I’ll tell you what. If you actually succeed in killing yourself over some lost skank love, I will honor you by forgetting Esprix and Spoofy entirely. I will do nothing but post Syko flames for the rest of the year. That should give you some of the attention you so sorely desire, huh?

And I will not be kind. Your remembrance candle-light vigil will be peppered with your embarassing codependent statements made on this very board. I know your intentions were different from mine, but only the living write the history books, don’t they?

My advice: choose life, kiddo. The board members would like to respect every poster. Begin again, and give them that chance. Lord knows I want to.

And if you ever feel the need to call Skank again, remember: The Bossk will be with you…always.

Yoda was right. Avoid Skank or avoid not. There IS no p-whipped.

We’re all pulling for you, Syko. But beware, we will not tolerate failure again. Make us proud.

SirSykoSexxy, I was in love like that once.

We were together, on and off, for 4 years. And she treated me like shit.(to be honest, my side of the street wasn’t all that clean either) She cheated on me numerous times, was downright mean a lot, and none of my family and friends liked her. But she had a powerful hold on me. She made me just melt.

Our break-up was messy. We did hateful things to each other out of spite and pain. I thought I’d never live through it.

But it’s been 10 years, and I can say that it was a blessing that relationship is over. I’ve had several GF’s over the years, and many dates, all of whom treated me so much better than the heinous wench, as I like to call her. I’m much happier without her.

But if she called today and wanted to get back together, I’d think about it. I’m a glutton for punishment.

I shouldn’t say this but I am, Bossk you have the understanding of human feelings like an earth worm.

Now, on to the OP…

While I didn’t see the first thread as mentioned above I will say this.

You can’t make people love you, and yes you have to learn to love yourself or love will never be what you want it to be.

You hurt, this is understandable but if you let your heart be broken and carry that with you (yes this is fresh so bear with me here) you will forever remain in a loveless, molten life with no joy.

Consider the feeling as an awaking to something new and something different you haven’t experienced before. Don’t wallow in it for too long. Feel it, be with the emotional pain, sing some sad songs but don’t allow it to control your life. I have and 15 years later I am still alone and afraid to step into a relationship. It was just last March when I freed myself from a lot of the emotional pain I carried with me for so many years. I wish I had found that peace about 10 years ago, I would have been happier sooner.

< sigh >

It’s strange how other’s pain can remind you that you are okay and through experience you can hopefully impart something you have learned. Not sure if I have but hopefully you can find that piece of heart that is still beating strong and not willing to allow this pain screw you over for too long. We all are worthy of love, we also sometimes find the wrong love but love is love and mistakes can be made in the name of love.

So wallow, scream, yell, punch a pillow, get it out but don’t let yourself be sucked into pain’s grips. It can be too inviting and too enticing to use that to rule your life.

< okay I rambled and I am sorry but I understand the bad relationship lure >

Yeah, 'cept even the worms know when to come to high ground during a downpour, don’t they?

If someone wants something to be messed up, and they have a strong enough hold on the situation, it’ll get messed up. It sounds like this girl wants everything to be a little fucked-up just so she doesn’t go crazy waiting for it to get fucked-up. Plus this way she can control the way it gets messed up. Bonus points for her; if she can lead you to a certain type of mistake, and it’s something she’s okay with (or more okay with than with other things), then it’s one more things she can control, which though not entirely good for you is not as bad for her as it could be.

That was a confusing sentence. I suggest Advil.

How many times have things with her gone wrong? How many times was it your fault?

Check your email.

Oh, and Bossk … dude, get a hobby. Try juggling or something.

Sorry, dude. You’re the one who advocated Syko staying with the dame. You thought she needed understanding and all.

Care to renege?

In reply to Iamphuna

Bossk, there’s no right and wrong here, no-one on this board can positively know exactly what is going on in SirSykoSexxy relationship. He came on asking for advise, and now feels in the need of some sympathy, it you can’t do either without saying “I told you so” to him or anyone else, maybe you should stick to juggling.

sorry iampunha not Iamphuna

Hmmm, it’s true you get over it with time… or so they say, you should see my thread where you’ll see that I happened to hire the new boyfriend of my X, bah, that wasn’t smart… but it had some fun moments :smiley:

But besides that, well the longest time I’ve ever felt this sort of pain was for…. 5 years (sorry) but then that was after a long relationship, well there are hundreds of ways to keep your mind occupied, everything from casual <pardon the language> fucking to creating colorful fishing lures. But then you could also start enjoying melancholy and make a living out of it :wink:

During my time of melancholy I wrote a lot, and some of it got published and some produced,

       So hell Try mixing Irony with melancholy, a little sex with someone that you don’t really like, just to spice it with self loathing, don’t bathe for a week for the public avoidance, watch “Never been kissed” &lt;in black & white&gt; and force your self to cry over it, then run into the bathroom, look into the mirror and see if you can’t find a sarcastic smile under the smell. (repeat until succesion)

Works fine…. But uh then you probably could find a healthier way out….

The melancholic
Unbeliever

Bossk … thank you SO MUCH for your support. It has really meant a lot to me to know that my buddy is there for me. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Maybe some time I’ll buy you a beer and we can sit and talk about life, love, liberty, and what a complete fucking moron I am.

Yes, it was my fault, you’re right. It was my fualt I posted, it was my fault I clicked the ‘Submit’ button, and it was my fault I let you, of all people, get under my skin. But I did, and now I’m suffering the consequences. Remind me next time I’m on fire, not to run to Bossk for help, seeing as how he wouldn’t piss on me to put the fire out.

I put myself up for scrutiny in a public message board, and nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to do it. But Bossk, the valedictorian of Asshole University, became the first to pass judgement. Just once, I’d like to be able to stare you in the face and say, “No, douchebag, I told YOU so.” But the all-powerful, oh-so-intelligent Bossk will NEVER be “told so,” seeing as how he has all the answers.

As for all of those who posted or e-mailed and actually gave a damn and helped me through this - thank you. Thank you especially to Angel of the Lord, Unbeliever, techchick68, spooje (I know the feeling, about that final line), and all others who actually put aside the smug arrogance that others couldn’t, empathized, and helped me get through this. You are all great people, and I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Thank you.

-Syko