Kind of a Lame Rant, But I Think I Have a Point

The BBQ Pit
1

What the fuck?
That’s right, you heard me. I said What the fuck.

So, I’m supposed to have a date tomorrow night, and I should be happy that the girl is going to treat my broke ass. I should also be happy that it’s the ex-girlfriend I’ve been trying to win back for a while now. But no, oh no no, I’m not happy. Because that just wouldn’t be right, now would it?

You see, the same girl that came running back to me, the same girl who said she wanted things to work out between us - yes, the very same girl who I ranted about in another thread - has decided instead to blow her money at the bar tonight instead, and break her date with me.

Now, granted, she won’t be spending as much at the bar as she would on our date, but if she wants to get back together that bad, how would the money be better spent? On her getting drunk at the bar, or on the one she is pursuing?

I don’t know, maybe I’m being selfish, but I had to get this off my chest. Rip me apart if you want, but I warned you it was lame.
Damn these anti-depressants. I thought “anti-” meant “no,” or something relatively equivalent to that. I guess not…

-Syko

2

She’s useless. Forget her.

3

Enjoy being treated like shit, Syko? I’m assuming that this is the same girl you’ve started Pit threads about before, complaining that she treats you like shit.

Well, don’t be surprised when people that have treated you like shit treat you like shit some more. Grow up, get over her, and get on with your own damn life.

4

And she wasn’t even willing to come over and ::make it up:: to you (nudge nudge wink wink)?

I’m mean, some pleasures are still free, aren’t they?

Maybe it’s a clue . . .

5

Fuck you.

This time, jmonster, you ain’t quoting Chinatown, so I’m pretty sure I’m not misunderstanding your post as a movie quote. So I say again:

Fuck you.

6

(Offspring music on)

Late at night, she knocks on my door,
Drunk again and looking to score,
Now I know that I should say no,
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go,
I may be dumb,
But I’m not a dweeb,
I’m just a sucker with no self-esteem.

(Offspring music fades out.)

Been there, done that. Find yourself somebody new.

7

Yeah, what whistlepig said. Walk away from that one, and don’t look back.

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Read the thread in my previous post. If for no other reason than to NOT be the kind of person who just gives up on people.

See Scotticher’s sig.

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Compassion is a beautiful thing. Sometimes, the scars people bear by passing through hells…well, you hate to say they’re beautiful, because scars are scars and no one should bear them. That they do not stop the essential light and strength that is humanity, beneath them, in the heart of what is human when the conditioned suffering and torment of life eases enough open to see through–that’s beautiful. This person is beautiful, you see. For all she’s gone through, for all the scars physical and the worse ones in the heart, she is beautiful. And those scars, that pain…she is emerging from it. She is rising out of it. She is rising out, and you are there, a part of it. It’s an easy thing to fall in love with, isn’t it?

How’d I do on that bit of pretending to be psychic, Syko? Pretty good? If it was passably well, I might have some small inkling of what you’re dealing with. (If it wasn’t, this is utterly tangential, and probably not helpful at all. Wouldn’t be the first time. :slight_smile: )

Falling in love’s easy, especially with the picture in the first paragraph. But you need to realize something–and the tricky part here is, you need to realize it without scarring your own compassion. That something is this: as surely as people change, because they most certainly do…as surely as that, people also stay the same.

You need to ask yourself, what of her do you love? Do you love the emerging out from scars? Do you love your inner hopes of what she will be, what she will increasingly become as she peels them off like Eustace getting his dragon-suit skinned by Aslan? Do you love that…only?

If so, then yes–you need to walk. Walking away needn’t be without compassion. Sometimes it’s the only proper thing for it. Sometimes it’s merely the least hurtful, in the important run, of multiple unpleasant options.

If she stays the same, if she never emerges out from that cloak of scars, if right now is who she will be for the rest of this life–can you accept that? Will you love that just the same? Can you love that just the same, and not plunge your own heart into hells of its own?

These are questions that people who don’t know the both of you simply cannot answer. You have to answer them yourself.

My advice is one of those maddeningly simple things, that in practice is maddeningly complex. Act so as to reduce the suffering in the world. That includes your own.

Good luck.

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Uhh, iampunha, I think that was Bossk. Doesn’t look like jmonster was even involved in that thread.

And I agree with you that no one is worth giving up on – but that doesn’t mean that you have to put up with a bunch of degrading behavior from someone that’s supposed to love you. Should Syko keep taking her back when she jerks him around? For years? Decades? His whole life? How is he helping her if he does that?

Sometimes, even though it hurts like hell, you gotta walk away to save yourself.

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Here’s a piece of advice that, if followed, will make you REALLY think about re-entering a relationship that has caused you much pain in the past:

Hurt me once, your fault, because I should be allowed to love freely and trust completely until I have reason not to.

Hurt me twice, still your fault because the ability to forgive is a vital character trait to have, although my eyes are open a little wider now.

Hurt me three times, completely my fault. I should have known better, I have no reason to trust you again and therefore have no right being in this relationship.

It takes a hell of a lot more strength to walk away then to stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail. The fact that she’d rather get drunk in a bar then reconcile with you speaks for itself, not to mention the fact that it is possible to go on a date without spending a dime. Wonder if she even thought about that before breaking the date.

If this had happened to a girl I bet everyone would be saying “damn, lose that asshole, he obviously cares more about drinking with his buddies than you!” It works both ways.

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No, fuck YOU, punha. Some people need to be given up. If you’d stop your chronic pussyhounding for five minutes, you might realize that there are certain women that are just bad news.

Is the original poster an enabler? Hmmm:
http://www.inspiredcounseling.com/enabling.asp

Seems like it.

Does the original poster’s actions fit the profile of a passive-aggressive personality?

Seems like it.

Is the original poster happier now that chicky is back in his life?

Doesn’t seem like it.

And you tell the other posters to fuck off because they don’t think his relationship is healthy?

Fuck you.

Here’s an idea. Let SirSyko break up with her for good, and we’ll let YOU give her the college try.

It’d be a nice change of pace to see you in the Pit bitching about a relationship for once.

13

I realize that. Reading what I said again, I realize I misspoke.

In a previous thread someone said something to the effect of “Forget about it, Jack. It’s CodependencyTown.” This was evidently a transposed line from Chinatown.

This time, it did not appear as though jmonster was quoting a movie.

No, I told them to fuck off because they were dismissing her without bothering to get to know her at all. Dismissing her because of things out of her control. Ever seen “Good WIll Hunting”? Imagine someone just tossing Will Hunting aside because of his problems.

Then remember exactly how many of those problems were his fault. Remember how many times he asked “the bastard” to stab him, or how many times he put the cigarettes out on himself. Remember how many foster families he asked to beat him, how many fathers he had whom he forcibly made beat him with a wrench.

Oh. Wait. He didn’t.

Why’s that? I could go on about the girl who was able to hurt me without even trying, and then got mad at me for being hurt, but hey . . . why should I dignify you with my problems? You’re not even worth me finishing this

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I’m not dissing her in the sense that I think she’s a bad person, that she should be punished, that everything is her fault, etc.

But I don’t think I need to know her to say that Syko doesn’t need to date her anymore. Healthy relationships don’t inspire multiple pit rants like this one. Even if it’s all in his head, if that’s how he feels about it, he needs out. Unless he gets his rocks off on complaining about how bad his woman treats him.

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Why should Syko be responsible for this woman? Why should he grind himself to dust trying to help her with her problems? He said he’s already on anti-depressants. Doesn’t this indicate that maybe he shouldn’t be trying to shoulder someone else’s emotional burden right now?

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I must apologize for this thread. I seem to have misunderstood and overreacted to what she told me. Once I got the situation clarified (after posting the thread) it turns out that our date is still on, but it has just been modified. Rather than dinner and a hot tub (where I live there is a place where you can rent a spa for 30 or 60 minutes) it will be dinner and a movie, which I think I would prefer anyway. Sex after a movie is fun, whereas sex in a hot tub can lead to being overheated. (teeheehee)

As far as some of the responses, I appreciate the concern, and maybe I am codependent, and maybe I do have low self-esteem (clever Offspring reference, whistlepig), but that’s what the drugs are for. We have both done shitty things to each other in the past, and that’s why we are going slow and not jumpng back into the relationship, trying to pick up where we left off.
I know that there is probably nothing I can say that will change the views of the people posting the “negative” resopnses, (although I am of the persuasion that any feedback is positive, others may not be) thinking “that boy’s making a big mistake,” and I am not trying to change their views. I am simply trying to retract my previous statement. It’s not nearly as bad as it seemed at the time. I overreacted (I didn’t take my meds yestarday) and posted a thread that didn’t even need to be posted.

Again, I appreciate the feedback, but if you will excuse me, I have a date to get ready for.
-Syko

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” - Ralph Wiggum

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…And they both lived happily ever after.

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Speaking from personal experience here, does she know that she is hurting you? Yes, it sounds stupid, but when you live in a world where abuse is the norm, pain is just part of the day. She may not understand you at all, not because she dosen’t care about you. In a nutshell, many people like her are just not equipped to see and process loving attention like you do. Fact of the matter is this girl probably has mountains of damage and you are working at fixing it with a toy shovel. She probably needs serious help that unless you are a psych doc of some kind, you lack the tools to try and help effectively and may actually do more damage and not realize it.

If you want to try and work things out with this girl (I dont know how feasible this is without a lot more info) you guys need to spend alot of time talking. She will need alot of time and patience on your part because most likely she is not used to articulating her wants, needs, fantasies and hurts. You need her to do this because only she knows where it hurts and like a leaky roof, the damage isn’t always where you think it is (thats where the psych folks come in handy). You are probably setting off self defense “false alarms” all over the place and not realizing it.

You are also going to need to shift your tactics. Looks like this girl likes thugs to one degree or another. Want her, learn to think thug but put a nice guy spin on it.

Example:
If you were a more “thugesque” guy. What would your reaction be to running off to the bar. Probably march down there and drag her ass kicking and screaming out to the parking lot, call her a bunch of names, shove her into the car and make her go home with you “where she belongs”

Ever wonder if she was “hoping” you might come look for her? Does it mean you have to kick her ass, no. Ask her to come be with you instead. She wants to drink, fine pick up something, its cheaper than the bar anyway.
Bring her a flower or some other small token gift as a symbol that you didn’t just stroll in on a whim, that you wanted to show her you cared even if you walked back out alone.

If you are going to call it quits, confront her in person and tell her exactly why. Give examples, cite events, etc. Don’t let her think for a second you just got tired of her. She will probably just rationalize you off as another kind of freak she just couldn’t pidgeonhole.

I have dated a few women who were seriously abused and or addicts. I tried to help and in most cases found out, I was not equipped to fight the demons of their past. Its possible and I have learned quite a bit over the years, but usually us nice guys just see the tip of the iceberg, we dont understand the kind of hurt that some men inflict on women because it is totally inconceivable to us.

Thank you Cyn for not being like this woman, I can’t imagine a more wonderful woman than you already are and you keep telling me there is more wonders to behold. Marrying you is going to be wonderful beyomd my wildest dreams.

[sub]yup in case ya missed it Drachillix and Cyn are engaged[/sub]

19

SirSykoSexxy:

“. . .and maybe I am codependent, and maybe I do have low self-esteem (clever Offspring reference, whistlepig), but that’s what the drugs are for.”

Ok, so you are taking antidepressants because of ONE WOMAN? Hello?

I hope you are talking about the anti-deppressants with this drug reference, because othewise you are setting yourself up for a downward spiral.

“. . . and that’s why we are going slow and not jumpng back into the relationship, trying to pick up where we left off.”

Yeah, and having sex tonight is moving slow, and will allow both of you time to re-examine the relationship.

"I know that there is probably nothing I can say that will change the views of the people posting the “negative” resopnses,:

Yeah, here’s something you can say: “When she fucks me over again, I will not post to the SDMB and whine about it.”

“I am simply trying to retract my previous statement. It’s not nearly as bad as it seemed at the time.”

SUCKER!

“I overreacted (I didn’t take my meds yestarday)”

Take your meds. Your meds are designed to help you make a better life. If you don’t take them, they can’t help you.

And I hope you are doing some kind of counseling. I do not mean that as a slam. I just believe that anyone who takes medication for psychological reasons should also receive counseling.

“and posted a thread that didn’t even need to be posted.”

Which is why you referenced a previous thread?

“I have a date to get ready for.”
-Syko

I’d wish you luck, but you’ve already passed on that.

Syko, if I could sit down IRL and talk to you and listen to you, I’d try to make you understand that everything you have told us about this relationship means that you are headed for sorrow. I, along with about 1000% of the respondents to this thread have been there, done that. We want you to do better. I wish you, I wish you . . . I don’t know what to say.

I wish you a better life.

Whistlepig

p.s. If you ever again post about your miserable relationship with this woman on SDMB, I will lead the charge to ream you a fucking asshole big enough to park a Harley in, sideways.

Take control of your life.

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Or, you know, you could just not read what he posts next time.

And I will be there to defend him.

Harleys can be put to such better use.