Mariah Carey would have checked into the mental ward from extreme sexual exhaustion after an evening with me.
I wouldn’t get that cramp in my back until AFTER fourth ejaculation of the day.
My breasts (which are, shall we say, on the large end) would not be even a little saggy 
Oh, and I’d have a revolving door installed at the entrance to my bedroom.
Well, I’m glad you’re the one jumping the grenade. Yikes.
Someone’s gotta take one for the team. Or give one.
Also, if real life were more like porn, dopefests would be the drunken orgies they’re truly supposed to be.
Wha? You mean it’s not?
Huh. You guys are missing out!
not GAY porn, thinks. 
I would move every week. I don’t care where to, or where from… I’d just be hiring movers all the time.
Also, the lighting would be much worse.
You were saying? 
HA! Coke. Out nose.
Don’t mind me, ladies. I’m just here to fix your plumbing.
<fiddles with his “tool” belt>
I’d actually get laid!
[sub]ummmmmm… I mean I would get laid MORE of course[/sub]
Oh man, I would masturbate so much more!
Believe me, even if life WAS a porno…
I’d still be the desk clerk, handing out keys to everyone else while stuck in a HOPELESS DEAD END JOB WITH NO LOVE AND NO HOPE OF EVER HAVING A FULFILLING MOMENT IN MY WHOLE M-F LIFE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wait, that’s what life would be like if it was like a Sam Kinison routine.
Sperm aspiration? Wha dat?
I would wake every morning with perfect hair and makeup, especially slick red lips and lots and lots of eyeliner mascara and false eyelashes. My manicure would always be perfect. I would wear a belly chain and an ankle bracelet at all times.
My every day vaccuming the carpet outfit would consist of a sheer tank top 3 sizes too small, thong underwear and 5 inch heels with lace trimmed anklet socks.
My hubby wouldn’t bat an eye if he came home and found me doing ALL the neighbors and vice versa.
I would have all the coolest sex toys at my disposal, oh and never run out of batteries.
Inhaling said substance. 'Nuff said.
Well, shoot, what if I don’t like my neighbors? One sings along with Elvis and the other is a grad student. No thanks. Can I pick Dopers?
Oh, and the shoes! Yeah, I’d finally find a use for those black, silk mules I’ve got.
Ron Jeremy would have never gotten laid - with all the sex around who’d want to bother with The Hedgehog?
Oh come on now–what about that hairy back? You know that shit is HOT!
:shivers:
Can I be one?
No matter what you tried to say during sex (like “ouch” or “not there”) would be dubbed over as incoherent, impassioned moaning. Given the lack of communication, it would be impossible to teach any newcomers how to do it right, but it wouldn’t matter, because everyone would like it pretty much the same way.
And the pregnancy rate would drop dramatically, because men would always prefer to pull out and dribble sperm on the woman’s body rather than come inside her.