If you are gay, have gay friends, or are good at psychology...please help me!!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Hi SkySlash…

I have a friend just like you, and he runs into the same problems. Every gay doctor at the hospital has hit on him at some point. Now we just laugh hysterically about it, but in the beginning it really did bug him.

My advice? Screw 'em (figuratively). So what if they think you’re gay? Unless you live in an area where those savages who killed Matthew Shepard are regarded as heroes I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Course I, being bisexual, cannot understand why anyone would limit themselves to just one team, but hey, it’s your life. :slight_smile:

22

Damn a girl, and here I thought you were hot, too.
I feel so dirty,
I was checking out a dude! Oh dude!

“Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

23

“I am at a disadvantage because these qualities aren’t “normal” for a man…or is it just that society has to put a label on everything???”

Thats why you need a parent of the same sex… so you can emulate them in every way.

My suggestion? dont be narcisstic It seems to me that you are a prep :slight_smile: (and probably a baby faced pretty boy by texas standards :))

Men act diffrently than women(on average), if you dont want to be labled as “feminine” dont act feminine. Everyone labels people as “male” or “female”. You do it too.

Your problem is you think like a woman, IE you care too much about what other people think about you. (theres more but its too much to copy/paste) Try thinking more abstractly.

One last thing. You probably emphasize words instead of just making them louder. Women emphasize words while men make them louder.

No way to avoid a stereotpye that everyone genetically has :slight_smile:

24

Although i guess that doesent really avoid stereotyping. :)My point was that there is nothing you can do about it short of changing your lifestyle.

25

That was themale version of the gay test?? ::whew!:: Gave myself a bit of a scare! I was trying to picture myself – you know… doing that! But no way. Huh-uh. I ain’t holdin’ hands with a chick.
haha!
:slight_smile:
A girl

26

If you have a thing for older, married women, Sky, would you marry me?

A man that can cook, decorate, sew andcrochet is alright by me. You could figure out what in the hell is wrong with my sewing machine. (Yeah, I know, its the operator.)

In my mind you’d be gay if you had a yipe yipe dog and those cutsey (I’m thinking Precious Moments barforama cutesy) personal checks.

27

I say forget VogueVixen and Zyada. I’m in Frisco. I say you come out here, we strip down nekkid, and howl at the moon. And, whatever else comes to mind while we’re nekkid. :slight_smile: Plus since I’m already married, you are always free to go home afterwards and sleep in your own bed.

Work is fine for killin’ time, but it’s a shaky way to make a living.

28

Slightly different take here…don’t alter yourself a whit by habit or inclination. Onlookers will think what they will think.

FWIW, life will be so much more civilized if and when we stop prying/assuming about what other people do in their bedrooms. Simple fact: gay, hetero, or bi, we all live among each other, and only x% is spent in overtly sexual activity.

BUT (huge caveat) we socialized mammals spend a lot of unconscious (subconscious?) time scoping out others for…whatever: love, lust, home, curiosity, etc. etc. IMO, that is the locus for your concern and responsiblity.

There was some discussion recently about a “pager” for gays, to help sort out safe approaches for gays. (It is a disgrace, IMO, that basic safety should have to be a concern.) But human mating signals of any kind are notoriously muddled, inexact and unintentionally hurtful.

Other people may interpret “you” wrongly, but their mistaken translations don’t reflect in any meaningful way at all, on you or them. As a fluke, I’m hardwired hetero, but that doesn’t relieve me from a human obligation to treat others kindly.

So…if your normal self unintentionally sends out a misleading signal, the guy could become a fast friend, you could blissfully surpise a woman, and life could be richer all around. Gay, straight or bi, life is just about what you make of it–and IMO only damned fools toss away other people for routine signal snafus.

Veb

29

Wow MPSIMS is working again :smiley:

Ok…first, I don’t pick up women off the net…and certainly not on a message board…LOL!!!

Anyway, on to my thoughts. This stuff makes sense, but overall the problem is not so much that I care what people think of me. I’ll readily admit to having an overwhelming ego…I am extremely confident and I usually ignore any negative comment about me. The bigger problem I have here is two-fold.

1. Confusion

2. Annoyance

I have spoken to friends and told them that it bothers me when they joke about this as if it were some game. Further, the bigger annoyance comes when I am in 99% hetero social situation and a friend thinks it is funny to make these jokes about me, especially if there are people around I have just met! I immediately get put on the defensive for something I should not have too.

I’m not sure what the biggest concern is here, but to make a poor attempt at describing it in a sentence.

Why can’t a man be in touch with his inner child, be sensitive, and have a fair grasp of both sexes emotional state w/out being considered “in denial” or “gay”?

If this wasn’t an actual problem, it wouldn’t be such a social taboo…but it is, and I don’t get it :confused:

-SS

Join the “Free SkySlash From His Ego” Movement Today!!! Visit your local chapter office for details!

30

SkySlash, I can see where this would be a dilemma for you. I must point out though that I have to wonder about the people you hang out with. Speaking as a woman and a mom, I find you quite a catch. When my daughter gets a bit older (she just turned 15), you are the kind of man I would hope she would fall in love with and marry.

Ignore those putzes. They’re not worth wasting your time and energy on.

I know VB, and I can tell you, he is a lot like you, and he is definitely not gay.

You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming.
Og Mandino

That’s my name, not a description. I am neither purple nor a bear. Okay, so I’m purple.<a true Wally original!>

31

Heck, now you’re asking why people act like jerks. Unfortunately we are - and I’m talking about everyone here. We all make assumptions and most of them are unfair. All I can say is that if your friends are still giving you a hard time after you have talked to them then they are really jerks.

And next time someone jokes about you being gay in a social situation where you have just met someone try “joking” about how your friend has a thing for young boys. See how much he likes it.

“My mind reels with sarcastic replies!” - Snoopy

32

Skyslash,
I hope you dont mind me asking (and I hope this wont turn into a pit topic)
Was there an absense if a so called “Male” role model during your childhood? Were you in a Matriarchal family?
you dont have to answer if you dont want to.

You lead your life whatever way you want. being able to decorate and having an eye for image shows you’re artistic and able to appreciate the delicate side of life. its not a reflection on your sexuality.

Best of luck to you

**Id rather be no one than someone with no one **

33

John, Sky lived with his father (at least part of the time). He said it earlier. His father has a very soft voice and possibly many of the same mannerisms.

Sky, I am gay. Most people can probably tell I am gay although I don’t fit the stereotypical mold being more of a cub than a twink. My advice, don’t let people know that it annoys you. It never gets brought up around me because people know that I won’t make a big deal of it.

BTW, if you are in Dallas and live in Turtle Creek or one of the other gay neighborhoods people will consider you gay even to your protesting.

HUGS!
Sqrl

SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure

34

No hon, he’s trying to pick up men. j/k :wink:

I’m sure it’s not your intention to try to pick up women here, but this message board does have a reputation of making love connections, don’t knock it, hon, you never know what lies ahead.

Madness takes it’s toll… So does New Jersey.

35

Pre-script: Ever see the SNL skit “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual”? :slight_smile:

I too was labeled gay in HS. (I didn’t find out about this until college.) This labelling was done by ignorant high-schoolers, whose criteria for my gayness were:
[ul][li]He doesn’t drive a “masculine” car - I had a small '79 Datsun pickup, white with stylized blue flames (flames = flamer, I guess)[/li][li]He doesn’t date - I didn’t get my car and licence until halfway through my senior year, then I got a job that took up my free time. Therefore, no dating.[/li][li]He’s a “band fag” who plays the French Horn - Half of the band was male. So what. And the reason I switched from the trumpet to playing French Horn was because the 1st chair French Horn player asked me, and she was a hottie! :D[/li]
I was called “band fag” once by some jerk at a college party. In my drunken fog, I slurred back to him, “Weren’t chu a drummer in band?” (He was.) That deflated him quickly.

[li]He was a “crybaby” in elementary school - So I was sensitive. sniff[/li][li]He doesn’t go out for any sports - I did once join flyweight football. But during practice, my own teammates roughness was enough for me to call it quits.[/li][li]He doesn’t go to the binge parties in the desert outside of town - Also lack of free time. I did go to our after-graduation party. I shocked the hell out of some there when I was handed a beer and chugged it all at once. BURP!!![/ul][/li]

Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You’ll find it an effective combination.

36

Slash–

It’s a little bit tough to tell from your OP (and your subsequent response) what you’re after here. I can’t help but think that there’s more than meets the eye. I say that because you describe yourself as an emotional person, yet you avoid expressing any basic feelings about this issue. You say you’re “confused” and “annoyed”, but you also say that you have no doubts about your identity and that other people’s opinions don’t tend to bother you. Hmmm…

If you’re as confident in yourself as you claim to be, then you don’t need us here at SDMB to remind you that everyone is different and that you need no one’s permission to be whatever and whomever you wish. But a person who writes a page-long post about how annoyed he is that his fabulous qualities make him the target of unwanted assumptions-but it doesn’t really bother him-is either bragging or not telling the whole story, in my opinion.

If you are tired of feeling that you have to justify yourself to the people around you, then you have my sympathy and support. I know what it feels like to not fit neatly into a mold, as do (I would guess) many others here.

If you are looking for some kindred spirits, then let me tell you about what it’s like to be a straight man in the opera business sometime!

If, however, you’re just trying to impress the ladies with your repertoire of non-piggish qualities, then shame on you. The rest of us have enough trouble as it is! :wink:

Best of luck.

-A

Ignorant since 1972

37

Nah, you don’t want to do what Grace is suggesting. She suckered me into doing it, and all that happened was her husband came out on the porch and turned the hose on us. Anyone who attaches great importance to how his hair looks isn’t going to want to risk getting sprayed with water.

BTW Grace honey, I’m still willing to do it again once the weather gets warmer… :smiley:

Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

38

I do a lot of theater. As a result, I meet a lot of gay men. Burlington also has a pretty large gay community per capita, so the theater circle and gay community are linked even more closely. As a result, I don’t get my hopes up when I meet a nice guy through the theater connections, as there is a possibility he isn’t into people without Y chromosomes.

I have one such friend that I was convinced was gay. He is outgoing, bubbly, very theatrical, sweet, and worked in the costume shop in college. When I found out he had a girlfriend, I was shocked. But what convinced me he was straight was that he didn’t care if people DID think he was gay. He was comfortable in his masculinity to know that it didn’t really matter. Which gives off the impression that he knows himself very well, and really diminishes the “oh, he’s just in denial, he’s overcompinsating being by butch…” thoughts.

Of course, his situation is a little different because he’s been dating someone for 7 years, and you need to project some hetero-vibe to catch the chicks. But stamping your foot and screaming “I’M NOT GAY!” isn’t going to help. Being comfortable enough with yourself to laugh off misconceptions about yourself will.

39

SR…I think your post may be the one I was looking for :smiley:

I think I’m partly to blame for friends that pester me like this because I get quite irritated with them and pop off smart-ass comments back at them…

I think I’ll take the advice of ignoring the friends and belittling the newcomers…seems to sound the most effective. That will be difficult for me though, I’m not usually one to ignore a challenge…thanks for the help guys :smiley:

In the meantime I’ll be the guy over in the corner stamping my foot exclaiming, “I’m NOT gay!”

-SS

If “knowledge is power,” why does stupidity reign?

40

Hello, Gay Guy checking in…

SkySlash, I think you’re the luckiest guy in the world. Think about it:

[ul][li]Chicks dig gay guys.[/li][li]Chicks dig straight guys who have all the best attributes of gay guys.[/li][li]You can fuck with people’s minds - if you tell them you’re straight, you rock their world; if you tell them you’re gay, they’ll flip when they see you with a girl; if you tell them you’re bi, you shut them up and still get the last laugh; and if you don’t tell them anything, you keep 'em guessing![/li][li]You make gay guys jealous. (“All the best ones are straight!”)[/li][li]You never have to ask a girl to help you do stuff every person should know how to do anyway, so you’re more well-rounded than most guys.[/li][li]You got all the best traits from your mom, and we all know women are better than men anyway. ;)[/li][li]You’re screwing around with society’s stereotypes - rock on! Be who you are by your own rules and standards, and the people who deserve your friendship will reveal themselves to you soon enough.[/li][li]Did I mention chicks dig gay guys? :D[/ul][/li]
Couples points:

[ul][li]Portwest makes a very good point - the older you get, the less out-of-place your qualities will seem.[/li][li]waterj2 is right - if people hit on you, at least you know they impeccable taste. :slight_smile: Take it as a compliment, and hell, let 'em buy you a drink! I get hit on by significantly older men often, and even though I politely but firmly turn them down, I always thank them for the compliment (no need to be mean, after all - they just find me attractive, and really, who can blame them?).[/li][li]zyada said the first thing I was going to say - you live in Texas. You could wear Lee’s instead of Levi’s and they’d probably call you gay.[/li][li]Who knows? Maybe some of your friends are projecting their own internalized homophobia onto you. Stranger things have happened. Hit on them and see what happens - I bet they stop real quick![/li][li]Unfortunately, Jezebel has a point. Matthew Shepard, for one, but I was also thinking Brandon Teena. Whatever you do, please be safe and watch out for yourself.[/li][li]As Tveblen mentioned, mixed signals might be frustrating, but sometimes good things can come from them - a date from a woman, or a new, much more understanding male friend.[/li][li]You need new friends, or you need to seriously alter the behavior of your current ones. I realize you’re sensitive, but if this situation is frustrating you as much as it is, you need to make your feelings perfectly clear, either by letting them know exactly what behavior you find unacceptable and then enforcing it by, say, not hanging out with them as often, or getting up and leaving if they start in on you; or, as Trion suggested, turning the behavior on them, by, say, flirting with them every time they call you gay. A friend of mine got in the habit of calling me a nickname I despised, so I found one he hated, and only used it when he used his on me. Needless to say, it stopped within 24 hours.[/li][li]SwimmingRiddles may have the best example of all - you need to start feeling more comfortable in your own skin. This, too, will come with age, but it also goes a long way towards not only feeling good about yourself, but will directly affect how people perceive you. People will always perceive you through their own eyes, and there is nothing you can do about it - you can only build a bridge halfway. But being comfortable about the image you present, regardless of how others perceive you, is the best thing you can do for yourself.[/ul][/li]
You do not need to change your behavior. You do not need people to think of you as straight. You do not need to feel socially stigmatized. You do need to be yourself, be a friend, and be a decent person. The rest is details. :slight_smile:

Individual responses:

[ul][li]TVeblen, the “Gaydar” pager is a novelty item, not meant to replace commonplace dating rituals.[/li][li]JohnLarrigan, have you been reading 1950’s psych textbooks? Parental influence on sexual orientation is zero, and on behavior only as much as every other factor in someone’s life. Sky just turned out the way he turned out. As SqrlCub pointed out, he had two loving parents. Big deal.[/li][li]aschrott, he was just blowing off a little steam about a problem he has, and was looking for some fresh perspectives on how to deal with it. I don’t think there was anything disingenious about his OP.[/ul][/li]
Asmodean gets his own section:

That’s a tall order - he has to be able to sew, cook, clean, accessorize, decorate and haul lumber, fix the roof, watch football, and whistle at pretty girls? There ain’t enough hours in the day!

I think if he were narcissistic he would be a swaggering straight guy banging every chick he could find.

He’s not acting “feminine,” he’s acting “skyslash” - it is other people who seem to be hung up on his perceived sexual orienation. People label him as “male” because he has a dick.

Your problem is you obviously don’t think much at all. He’s acting naturally, and other people are slamming him for it - is that his fault? Aren’t they the ones with the problem?

You really need to go read my “Ask the Gay Guy” thread, child.

Esprix

Ask the Gay Guy! (or, if you prefer the Jesusfied version, Asketh the damn Priest Guy!)