If you don't to get serious, then DON'T F**KING SLEEP WITH ME!

Yeah, and you could have at least sent flowers the next day or something!

someones post got eaten.

Possible solution:

Don’t sleep with people until you are sure they want to get serious??

Damn. Even the hamsters don’t like me. I’m going in the garden to eat worms. :frowning:

Bearflag, if my post hadn’t been eaten, you’d have seen that I had good reason to think she was serious before I went that far.

Ah. I’ll wait for a new OP then.

Well unless they’re feeling suicidal, I promise you: The worms ain’t gonna like you either. You should also consider the effect that worm-breath may have on your lovelife.

Well, there’s no way I can post the original rant now, it would seem rather silly. Oh btw, I’m a lesbian and so, apparently, is she - if you weren’t aware of that the gender terms might be confusing.

Bottom line is: this girl seemed to be really keen on me. She was the one who made all the moves first time we met (in a club, where she’d come along with someone in my group of friends), when we went no further than kissing. Next day she phoned me twice and joined a message board (not the SDMB) just to im me there. Thence followed more text messages, several emails, and hours of instant messaging (pretty much all day Monday Tuesday and Wednesday), plus the affectionate things she said in all these communications. She was very much the instigator in all this.

We met again on Wednesday (at her suggestion), just us in one bar and then on to meet my friends in another bar (my commitments meant that I couldn’t find a full night to see just her). We got on really well, had great chemistry, etc etc. Everyone kept commenting on how much she appeared to like me, such as her jealousy when a friend of mine ran up and put her arms around me (this is an extremely flirtatious friend, so the jealousy wasn’t entirely unwarranted). I made it clear that I don’t ‘do’ casual relationships; I joked that I was kinda picky about who I kissed (unlike some of my friends who do go out to pick women up) and said that I ‘don’t do one-night stands’ (to which she replied, with a laugh and a kiss, ‘me neither’). So when she suggested I go back to her place it didn’t seem as stupid as it does in retrospect. It still seemed fine the next day. I had to get up much earlier than her, but she got up with me, made me tea, made me late :wink: and gave me no indication of any problems. A couple of hours later we were flirting and chatting on MSN again.

At this point I wasn’t thinking much past the next date - although I was pretty sure there would be a next date. I liked her, thought we went well together, but wasn’t putting any pressure on either of us. But later in the day, as the response to some question or other, she said that she ‘doesn’t want anything serious right now.’ And suddenly, whether I wanted anything serious or not, it’s all been spoiled. A wide-open vista has been turned into a dead-end street, and who bothers driving down a dead-end street? She still ‘really really likes me’ and thinks I’m ‘brilliant’ (among other epithets), but she’s not ready for the scene thing yet (because somehow to her I’m synonymous with the scene).

I can understand part of her point of view. She came out of a long-term relationship just a few weeks ago (which I didn’t know before we first kissed), and apart from that relationship I don’t think she’s never been with any other women. In the whole two and half years she and her gf were together, only a couple of people knew about them - which makes it clear that she’s not entirely comfortable with being gay (although I wonder how it’s even possible to keep a relationship secret for so long!) But hell, this is all stuff that existed before she met me, it’s not like I changed anything. She knew this before she slept with me. And she pointedly didn’t tell me this till afterwards.

She still wants to see me again, and she’ll be there next Wednesday so frankly I have no choice but see her again, unless I want to avoid all my other friends too (this is a weekly karaoke-and-booze-up with a very large and fun group of friends of mine, and her ex-gf is one of those friends). I was going to say to her ‘get settled for a couple of months and then call me if you’re still interested,’ but being in the same social group makes this impossible. And apart from the headfuck, she is lovely. I’m weak, I know it, and it’s so easy to say to myself well, some relationships do start off rocky like this … even when I know that while some people may be able to cope with that, I can’t.

I know that for certain because this has happened before. I seem to be some sort of lesbian litmus paper for the uncertain to dip themselves in and find out how ‘ready’ they really are. If I were paranoid I’d think I was bad in bed, but judging from the response I’m certain that’s not the case. The problem is just the sort of women I attract. I’m nice, fairly pretty, femme, and unthreatening - all characteristics which make me simultaneously perfect for the experimenters and the worst person they could test on.

It makes you very jaded, I can tell you. It makes me want to wear a chastity belt and a gag next time I go out, only for some women that wouldn’t be a turn-off. :rolleyes: I was wary before, and this woman persuaded me to trust her; now I just give up.

So sorry for you. :frowning: Want a hug?

It definitely seems to me that SHE was the one doing the leading. But that only makes what she did later more dastardly.

Sounds to me like she’s not ready to embrace all the ramifications of her lesbianism. From what you said about her 2 and a half year relationship with her girlfriend, I’d say that she’s still trying to come to terms with her true nature. Unfortunately, I think you got caught in the middle of her confusion.

But don’t let it jade you! Don’t let one woman’s over-eagerness to get laid equate to complete cynicism on your part!

I agree with SUPERK. She sounds confused and clueless, and you got hurt as a result. I don’t see how you could have done anything differently. Be angry, but not bitter. Trust the next person just as much as you did this one.

I’m sorry you got jerked around, though. :frowning:


Sorry about your friend, this may not help but she’s probably not having any more fun not knowing what she wants then you are feeling jaded. Go out with your buds, support her if can spare the emotion, but keep yourself out of it until she’s got her head on straight. Think of it more as a mentoring program than a sexual relationship, and keep it that way. She’s evidentally got the sex part down okay, but is a bit lost on the living life bit. Show her its stable, and keep the heck away from her until she gets it. She’s only trouble if she thinks a relationship is something to hide.

Just an stray thought…
Maybe she is nervous because y’all click so well and her last relationship went south? This could be a positive thing if you take it slow and enjoy what she’s willing to give while she is discovering she is able to give more. Don’t waste oodles of time waiting for that, though.

Or not, just a possible alternate POV.

Thanks everyone for your comments and sympathy. Kudos to you for getting through such a long rant post.

We were out again last night, and it is definitely all off now. I was wondering if it could maybe be that, Weirddave, but no, she just doesn’t want a relationship right now. She gets on really well with my friends, and basically she’s going to be sticking around. This something I’ve seen lots of my friends go through, where their ex-girlfriends still hang out with the same people and at the same places as they do, even when they have a new girlfriend. It’s just something you have to learn to deal with as a lesbian on the scene.

I also discovered last night that if she’s not interested, there are quite a few others who very much are, which I never noticed before. That blunts the edge a little.

And once again I’m slapped in the face regarding assumption and prejudice.

I came into this thread automatically assuming the OP was female and the rantee was male. I figured it would be another of those “But he said he loved me on our first date!” type of sob-stories. Yet another reminder to myself that generalizations are bad.

Regardless of the genders involved, though, I just have a hard time understanding folks who are so lackadaisical regarding their sex life. I’ve made love to two people in my life – my ex-wife and my wife. I think I’m a product of a previous century. :slight_smile:

QueenAl, my condolences on the relationship souring so quickly. Sounds like it’s not going to be such an ego-damaging event as it might have been, though, so that’s a good thing.

I agree with you, Sauron, about the whole casual sex thing. It never happened to me, certainly.

And QueenAl, I do know where you are coming from as far as having to be around someone that now makes you uncomfortable. Happened to me a long time ago, and it wasn’t easy to deal with. Our relationship is not nearly as cordial as it once was, and that bothers me, but you seem to have plenty of friends to go around (as well as opportunities).