So, in a bit of shameless self-promotion, I’m passing around a link to an LJ entry of mine. This entry is the list of 100 things Liguori is no longer allowed to do in the Colonial Williamsburg Fife and Drum Corps. As it seems to be enjoyed by those who read it, I am cross-posting it here.
As all of you know, I was in the Colonial Williamsburg Fife and Drum Corps for eight years. Many of these years were my antisocial years. Also, the rank-based hierarchy meant that there were many, many orders given. You’ve seen what I’ve been able to do with normal, reasonable instructions.
Two notes:
A: All of these were actually rules at one time or another.
B: A quote from my former boss, Mr. Sutphvin. “Liguori, I allow a certain amount of hazing among the younger member of the Corps, because it builds solidarity and gives them a common enemy. You haven’t been fired yet for roughly the same reason.”
1: Shoes and brass are to be polished before inspections.
2: Orders to polish shoes do not involve brass polish.
3: Orders to polish brass does not involve shoe polish.
4: Orders to polish both shoes and brass cannot be avoided by use of rules 2 and 3.
5: If I am ordered to “Hey, Liguori, eat this,”, I am not to interpret “this” to mean the officer’s hand.
6: No one is permitted to order Liguori to eat anything unless they wish to pay any relavent bills.
7: After a special job in which “Scotland the Brave” is played right next to us on bagpipes 75 times consecutively, I am not permitted to whistle it at Mr. Sutphvin on the bus ride back.
8: Or air-fife it.
9: Or play it.
10: Or hum it.
11: In fact, just shut up.
12: It is wrong to find a copy of “Scotland the Brave”, print it out, and assign it to the new recruits, on the grounds that “It’s Mr. Sutphvin’s favorite tune of all time!”
13: Not permitted to bring orc porn on F&D trips.
14: Not permitted to bring hobbit porn on F&D trips.
15: Not permitted to create orc or hobbit or especially orc/hobbit porn on F&D trips.
16. Or any other kind of porn.
17. That counts as porn, Liguori.
18. Not permitted to offer sacrifice to dark powers in the F&D building.
19. Not permitted to start a cult.
20. Not permitted to join an existing cult.
21: In fact, Liguori’s constitutional freedom of religion is hereby waived.
22: When receiving a dressing-down from a superior officer at high volume from two inches in front of my face while at attention, am not to sneeze.
23: The Super Mario Brothers theme is not an 18th-century fife piece, and as such is not to be played on marches.
24: Or any other time.
25: Am not to sign correspondence to F&D personnel “The LORD thy God.”
26: The Ghostbusters™ are not authorized to countermand orders.
27: Am not allowed to, in response to a desperate plea to “Goddammit, stop doing what I say and not what I mean!”, not do what the officer says.
28: Am to refrain from giving superior officers apoplexy.
29: The ability to transpose music on the fly and play along with visiting cores does not automatically imply a need to do so.
30: The customary foot-stomp when coming to attention is not to be directed onto the foot of a superior officer.
31: Am not to maliciously fall on anyone.
32: I do not outrank myself.
33: I am not outranked by myself.
34: Am forbidden to use quantum theory to justify my interpretations of the orders.
35: Am forbidden to use the theory of relativity to justify my interpretations of the orders.
36: Am forbidden to use Creation Science to justify my interpretations of the orders.
37: Am forbidden to carry a dictionary and use obscure definitions of common words to justify my interpretations of the orders.
38: Am forbidden to make shit up to justify my interpretations of the orders.
39: Am forbidden from assuming that any order involving numbers uses any numbering scheme other than base 10.
40: Writing “That one Middlesex tune” does not make it an 18th century piece.
41: Am forbidden to use myself as a cite in attempting to prove that “That one Middlesex tune” is an 18th century piece.
42: Am not to argue theology with the scary religious people.
43: Am not to argue law with the falling-down drunk members of the Virginia Bar Association.
44: Cannot accept tips.
45: Cannot accept bribes.
46: Cannot accept weregeld.
47: Dammit, Liguori, I don’t care how drunk he is, you can’t take his money.
48: “I love you too, sir!” is not an appropriate response to a dressing-down.
49: Neither is “Sir, no means no, sir!”
50: Any idea Liguori has involving mineral oil is hereby prohibited.
51: Am not authorized to perform surgery.
52: Am to refrain from feigning deafness after a hearing exam.
52: Am to refrain from feigning deafness during a hearing exam.
53: Am to refrain from feigning deafness while being given orders.
54: I know you can hear me, Liguori.
55: Orders to clean the building do not involve going into the women’s locker room in any way.
56: Am to refrain from speaking to the tourists in Esperanto.
57: Pole dancing is forbidden on Colonial Williamsburg property.
58: Any idea of Liguori’s involving involving sheep or horses is forbidden.
59: Am not allowed to join the circus.
60: Not allowed to make the Sergeant Major cry.
61: Responses to superior officers are to consist of more than “Blah.”
62: Responses to superior officers are to consist of more than “Sir! Blah, sir!”
63: Regardless of my speculations on the Sergeant Major’s gender, I am still to refer to him as Sir.
64: Insects are not a tasty and valuable source of protein.
65: ‘Liguori’s House of Colonial Love’ is herby vetoed.
66: No form of ‘bling’ is part of the regulation 18th century regimental fifer costume.
67: Liguori, take off the hat, put down the cane, and for the love of God, get away from the sheep.
68: Am forbidden to clean the chalkboard with my tongue.
69: Am not authorized to give demerits for the Sergeant Major for being a worthless waste of flesh.
70: Any attempt to play Britney Spears music on the fife will result in terminal consequences.
71: Not allowed to sing Britney Spears music.
72: Or perform the special Britney dance.
73: For the love of God, Liguori, never do that again.
74: I am not the reincarnation of George Washington.
75: I am not the reincarnation of George Bush.
76: I am not the reincarnation of George of the jungle.
77: ‘The Flintstones’ is not an accurate depiction of life in the 18th century, and I am not allowed to tell children that it is.
78: The Fife and Drum Corps does not have a calvary section.
79: The Fife and Drum Corps does not have a centaur section.
80: Am not allowed to store flammable materials in my locker.
81: Am not allowed to store toxic materials in my locker.
82: Hacking the Colonial Williamsburg intranet is not allowed.
83: “To the left oblique about-face but just a tad more to the center than normal, MARCH!” is not a step-off command.
84: Am forbidden to bear Mr. Sutphvin’s child.
85: I am not a cheeky but loveable rapscallion.
86: Am forbidden to enter the cleaning closet.
87: Discussion of tentacles is hereby prohibited.
88: The circular practice drum pads are not to be used as Frisbees.
89: “Ia, ia, Cthulhu fhtagn!” is not a cadence.
90: Am not to poke a cross and then grab my hand and shriek, “It burns!”
91: Am to remain 500 feet away from the fireworks at all times.
92: Get a haircut.
93: I meant the hair on your head. No, I don’t want to see it.
93: I didn’t mean your nose hair, either.
94: Going to attention does not involve screaming, flailing, and falling down.
95: Am not allowed to dive across the ranks to catch a falling fife.
96: Not allowed to replace the drum section with mechanical monkeys.
97: Not allowed to take any of the parts of Colonial Williamsburg’s reenactment of a witch trial.
98: Styrofoam is not edible.
99: Am not to domesticate any fungal growths in the locker room.
100: The order “Come see me at once” actually means “Put on pants, then come see me at once.”