For starters, I would have my monkey butler circulate a petition concerning a high school friend of mine (hereafter known as “I.C.”), gathering as many signatures as possible. Then, my monkey butler would be responsible for safeguarding this document so that it might be used some quarter of a century or so later as the focus of a fabulous "GOTCHA!” masterminded by myself and two other friends. The petition wouldn’t necessarily HAVE to be posted on the Internet, but wouldn’t it be fun to convince I.C. that it WAS out there somewhere and let him surf the web in futility for a few days. Yep. That would do it.
Unless, of course, my monkey butler had passable penmanship and was able to forge I.C.’s name as signature #45…
I’d make my monkey butler wear tap shoes all the time. Since monkeys can’t talk, I’d teach him Morse Code, and have him tap out messages. It would be fun to pretend I didn’t understand his tap-messages, and ask him to repeat it over and over, until he got pissed off, tapping faster and faster. Right before he went totally ape-crazy, I’d tell him I was joking, and we’d have a good laugh.
Then I’d send him to the store for ice cream. Yeah.
If I had a monkey butler, I’d make it prepare and serve nibbleys to me and my friends from silver platters. It would have to know how to cook, and I’d have it address me as ‘mum’: Yes mum, no mum, the baby spinach quiches are just coming mum. That sort of thing. Also it would be in charge of opening the wine, and it would get shocked if I ever had to drink bits of cork.
And he would be responsible for recording all my favorite shows on separate tapes to insure that I never miss them, and that they don’t get all intermingled.
Sometimes I’d make it wear a nurse uniform, the dress and little hat, and a blonde wig, and we’d put an ad in the paper that a new doctor office had just opened, and see what the patients do when he tries to take their temperature.