A rider is a list of requests of products (usually food) you want available. My rider:
Sleeve of Diet Pepsi
Chicken Greek Salad (no olives) w/Italian dressing and pita bread on the side
This is how you write a rider.
Mine would be too dull to contemplate.
Black Cherry water
I would insist on a preperformance and postperformance massage. If I can figure out a way to get a massage in midperformance, then that too. If I had security staff like Martin wants, I’d insist on bottles instead of pacifiers. I’m not sure what I want the bottles to be full of, but Amoretto is definitely in the running, as is rum.
- Smoking area, fully ventilated, not open to the sky nor outdoors, only for me.
- Crushed ice, regular Coca Cola, from a fountain not a can.
- Filtered water, doggie floor pads, and bed for my dog, who accompanies me on all performances.
Coffee. A pot/box of it somewhere.
Some milk.
Some equal packets.
A covered-top coffee cup, disposeable or or perm, just so I’m not accidently spilling.
(and honestly, it can be from a Dunkin Donuts or a diner or even from a Mr Coffee someone brought from home. I mean, its not like I wouldn’t share.)
As long as whoever takes the last cup-a-joe makes a new pot. Me included.
I assume the celebrity life makes it impractical to get-your-own-god-damn-things. If that’s the case my rider would be…
Cold cans of Coke Zero.
various pie-based snacks (pork pies, sausage rolls, etc…)
wireless internet access.
For artist’s after-concert snack:
one 12oz can Diet Coke cooled to 35 degrees
one 1.5 oz bag of Lay’s Potato Chips, sealed
Venue agrees to double the performer’s fee if soda is more than 36 degrees or if any of the potato chips inside the bag are broken.
ETA: Never mind
Assam Black Honest Tea
pistachios. occasionally macadamia nuts to mix things up.
my “change of pace” meal:
Fried Fisherman’s Platter with calamari instead of shrimp
Bowl on NE Clam Chowda w/oyster crackers
Apple Crisp w/vanilla ice cream
sleeve of Diet Pepsi
Televised sports (football, baseball, basketball, etc.) cannot be on any media device in my presence unless the device has been rendered completely soundless. There is something about the background noise of televised sports that attacks my ears like pile drivers and drives me crazy. Beyond that a couple of containers of filtered water or some lemons to take the edge off of city tap water and I am quite happy.
Ice-cold Coca-Cola
Ice-cold beer
A tray of deli sandwiches
A tray of veggies and dip
A smoking area, so I can enjoy my pipe
A television, so I can watch news and sports. Preferably, while smoking my pipe and enjoying a cold drink.
- A litter of pug puppies for me to play with before and after the show.
- All rooms that I spend more than 20 minutes in must be decorated primarily in blue
- A selection of Alsatian wines held at precisely 47 degrees, along with crystal wine glasses, preferably Riedel.
Some fresh star fruit
No marble anywhere.
No bright colors in my rooms
No people who speak loudly
To stay in the top floor of any hotel that I stay at
Lots of tea
I would be so thrilled with handlers to get me places, and a full-time driver so I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever have to get behind the wheel of a car! That alone is sufficient. Except the car I’m being ferried about in should have a supply of pistachio nuts, cold fizzy water on ice, and peppermint gum, and the driver should know where all the best places to hit up the ladies room are, at a moment’s notice. Oh, and a sound machine in my luxurious hotel room at night, white noise is OK, but wind and waves is good, too.
Let’s see… on my ‘rider’?
Unmetered high-speed wireless internet access.
Full-spectrum lighting over the drawing board and work tables.
“Sour Snowboard” candies of a specified firmness to be provided in all work areas, with excess sugar knocked off.
A fridge stocked with fruits and veggies and nuts, and a Vitamix-brand electric mixer, to be provided in living quarters, so that I can make smoothies.
Ice-cold Pepsi Throwback in fridge as well.
Better specify Fahrenheit on that last one, unless you like hot wine… 
Iced tea.
That’s about it.
If you’re feeling uninspired, here’s a selection of riders: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstage
At least one pint of 2% milk shall be available backstage. The words “pasteurized” and “vitamin D” shall be circled in any sort of marker or pen whose ink will not rub off the milk container. (Not wanting brown M&Ms is so passe…)