You're a star. What should be included in your backstage rider?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Let’s play make believe, shall we?

You, being you, are now in high demand. Whatever talent, skill, idea, or proclivity you have, well, people are willing to come by the thousands to see you do it, or just to hear you talk about it. And pay money, too. Oh, yeah, lots of big dollars.

Which gives you clout. The kind of clout that lets you make demands.

This means that when you travel the country talking, performing and otherwise doing your thing, you get feted wherever you are. Luxury is no object; extravagance is a given. You must be obeyed, or else how will the world get to bask in your presence?

So, here we are. You’ve got a national tour coming up, and I need to let these theatres and venues know what it’s going to take to assure your presence. Thousands of eager attendees (and the prices they’ll pay) depend on it.

What, then, is in your backstage rider?

To clarify, when big name stars perform, they get to makedemands about their accommodations backstage. Some are to help with the performance (e.g. herbal tea to soothe one’s throat). Others are to ensure that people are being careful (the famed “no brown M&M’s”). Maybe you want to make something happen just because you can (“all TV’s must be tuned to Fox news”).

So, Doper extraordinaire, what’s in your backstage rider? (I’ll tell you mine once I figure it out).

As a bonus, what is it you’re doing to get such crowds? Is it a talk about your life? Some singing or dancing? Maybe a bit of ‘how-to’? (Don’t worry: The crowds are assured, I just want to know why they came.)

[I realize that talk of concert riders can go into Café Society, and I won’t be offended if this is moved. But this isn’t really a question about celebrities or the arts world, so I took a stab at IMHO]

2

at least one natural redhead groupie

3

No doubt, crowds will throng to see me knit. It’s truly a sight to behold!

My needs are simple - chocolate truffles. Specific favorites: caramel, amaretto, peanut butter, dark and milk chocolate, maybe a few white chocolate just for the heck of it.

But no mint or coconut. Thanks.

And a comfy recliner.

And maybe a string quartet playing soothing music.

Yeah, that’ll do it.

4

I’m still drafting my rider, but I just wanted to mention that there are a whole crapload of real backstage riders on The Smoking Gun, some quite interesting. No fluorescent lights for Bob Dylan. Don’t expect Frank Sinatra to perform without at least five bottles of liquor and two of wine backstage. No strangers backstage during Don Henley’s performance – he will become “extremely upset”. And 50 Cent needs TWO boxes of condoms.

5

yellow teddy bears

6

Pre-paid hookers and blow?

Nah. What I really want is RC Cola. Any of that Coke or Pepsi crap and you can go find yourself a different talent.
(While not a star I do require RC for some of the programming gigs I do; its in the agreement.)

7

OP, here. Thanks for the link; I actually embedded it in the OP, but it might not have been clear to people, and it’s a good source of inspiration.

I’ve decided that I can attract loads of people with my talk on “What not to do”, which basically amounts to the story of me.

But, I have a demanding rider:

1 fruit platter (but no cantaloupe!)

1 French Bulldog, aged 1 to 2 years old (potty trained)

1 velour track suit

1 tray of bacon (for the dog)

That new car smell

1 lava lamp (red)

Randy Jackson (from American Idol) to call me ‘dog’ and tell me how much he likes what I’m doing

A new NFL regulation football

A nice big beanbag chair

A brick cell phone from 1984 with free long distance calling

And whatever Oprah gets.

8

Lots of M&Ms with the red ones all removed. (most people will get that joke, if not google Van Halen concert rider)

9

Van Halen’s actual rider demanding no brown m&Ms is on the Smoking Gun site that Moriarty and I linked. It also says that no beer may be provided to the crew until after 6 pm.
Ok, I want ONLY brown M&Ms. And lots of them.

10

One thousand brown m&ms in a brandy glass. :smiley:

11

You’re a star. What should be included in your backstage rider?

At least several gigatons of hydrogen fuel for every appearance. And free extra-strength sunscreen for the audience.

12

Bishop’s Finger Kentish ale, at appropriate temperature

Highland Park 18

Macallan Cask Strength

Old Weller Antique

Old Forester Birthday (2016)

Ice cold Mexican Coke in glass bottles

A selection of hot sandwiches from the best spots in town. Failure to meet quality standards will result in a forfeiture of performance fees owed without performance. All decisions final.

BBQ. See above, with violence.

Kittens

13

Assuming that the dressing room is equipped with a couch, some armchairs, and a bathroom, then:

– Deli platters of sandwiches (but no chicken in the sandwiches).

– Trays of veggies and dip.

– A cooler full of cold beer on ice. Nothing special–Budweiser or similar would be fine–but no “Light” or “Lite” beers.

– Another cooler full of Coca-Cola Classic.

– Suitable glassware for the beer and Coca-Cola.

– A collection of New York Times Sunday crossword puzzles.

Those will do for a start. I’m sure that I will come up with others later.

14

Mezzo Mix

Orangina

Diebels Alt

Reibekuchen like made by my mother.

Funny frisch Chipsfrisch ungarisch

A bottle of good Tempranillo.

Vegetable pizza made genuinely Italian style.

>=50 Megabit/s wifi.

NO meet and greet with any dignitaries whatsoever.

15

Every time I enter the room, Prince sings the chorus to “Baby I’m A Star”.

I know Prince is dead, but I’m trusting the power of the hypothetical to bring him back to life.

16

Many years ago I worked for the concessionaire at a venue that hosted concerts. I set up the food and beverage portion of the contracted orders for several performers.

So as to the OP hypothetical, I’d choose one of my favorite results from a performer that I actually fulfilled a few times… a selection of locally produced microbrews on ice. Since these performers were out on tour this was a way they could get some variety in their catering while still using the same language in their contract rider.

So many riders had a fixed rotating menu… if it’s Thursday then the menu should baked chicken with wild rice pilaf, if it’s Friday the menu should be grilled snapper with orzo pasta salad, etc… Again I’d like to have a bit more variety if I was the star. So I’d ask for local BBQ, fish, or local signature dish - whatever the area of the performance is known for - just to mix things up. Yes, that could mean chowing down on Cincinnati chili , Kansas City BBQ ribs, and Rhode Island tomato pie. Just something to break up the regular monotony of life on the road.

17

Iced tea made with fresh spring water.

A masseuse.

Decent wifi.

A six foot tall (stacked with bulging muscles) female body guard (Like Lex Luther had).

18

A comfy recliner, with a blanket and pillow, and a small fridge with cold drinks.

19

My sofa from my house and 4 uninterrupted hours of naptime!
Oh, wait, you said if I was a famous stage performer of some sort…

Dutikenun (i don’t how to spell it, just that it sounds kinda like that) and Grammas rhubarb pie on alternating days

20

I’d never get that far. I’d retire early in my stardom, with enough to live on with comfort and security. I’ve heard that being a star is hard work and not all that much fun.

Even if forced into it, I’ve always been pretty stoic about the absebce of comforts.