If You Were The Big Kahuna!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Note: This thread is not created to be used to criticize the way the Admin and Mods run the board. I am of the opinion that it is their board and if you don’t like the rules - LEAVE. Let’s keep the current rules and policy out of this thread, m’kay?

If you owned the SDMB, what rules would you create? Here are a few of mine.

  1. I would install a device that would magically reach out and smack anyone who even thinks about posting the words “since this is the Pit [enter gratuitous insult]” or “3. Hi Opal”

  2. Establish a three-whines-and-your-out policy, unless I was feeling extra pissy that day, then the whiner would be banned on the spot for first offense.

  3. Flirting would be contained to one thread. Anyone caught flirting outside of the allowed thread will be de-pants and forced to stand in front of us all so we can laugh at their genitalia.

  4. Any posts that are too “goo-goo gaa-gaa” to the point of making others physically ill, will be forced to guzzle a gallon sized bottle of maple syrup.

  5. Trolls, socks, and others deemed “not worthy” will be subject to having their posts altered. Their words (snicker) may suddenly change without notice, calling themselves horrid names and praising the wonderful way the board is run.

2

I would make everyone develop a sense of humor. Could we get a software guy in aisle 3

Also getting upset at a minor harmless joke is deemed worthy of a kick in the pants.

And for the worse offense, those who hijack a thread and make it into a carnival of insults will be slapped silly.

3

So, is this the thread?

4
  1. The Big Kahuna decides which thread should or should not be a flirting thread. Now that Uncle Beer has shown up, I declare this to be the flirting thread.
5

So Diane…how YOU d…aw crap, that’s just too stupid to say even as a joke.

If I were the Big Kahuna, I’d decree that everyone know how to surf through google and other search engines. After all, what’s the point of being The Big Kahuna if you’re not out there surfing?

6

More. . .

  1. As the Big Kahuna, I would change, add, or remove rules whenever I felt like it. Of course, I wouldn’t be expected to follow them, because afterall - I AM the BIG KAHUNA!

  2. All Mods would have the Goddess given powers (Goddess + Big Kahuna = Diane) to magically appear in person to knock the dog crap out of anyone they feel deserves it. If the dog crap kickee whines about the :::boo hoo::: “Unfair Mods” :::boo hoo:::, they will be forced to read Aha’s poop threads while eating Baby Ruth candy bars and chocolate pudding.
    Oh, and Enderw24? How YOU doin? :wink:

7

Everyone would bow down to the wonderness that is Guin.

8

Sometimes I’d like to see ‘suspensions’ for maybe 30 days (or similar) rather than outright bans because some people do seriously let the ups and downs of their personal lives impinge on their postings. Other times, I don’t really care.
I also think we could have official ‘greeters’ for newbies: For example, any hot new chicks could obviously be officially welcomed aboard by handy and Wildest Bill and have the dress policy explained to them.

9

You hit the nail on the head with that dress code thing L_C, only in my world it would be:

  1. At my whim, all cute guys and goodlooking men would be forced into my own private viewing of Nice Asses on Parade. Butt slapping optional.

Another. . .

  1. Anyone caught throwing or participating in a post party would have to give me a foot massage every night for a week. In the summer when my feet are more cracked than normal. More than one offense and you’ll have to include toenail clipping and polishing.

  2. Quoting partial sections of a post = good. Quoting an entire post = Bad. You be bad, you be slapped.

  3. Even think about using the word “felch” and you will be forced to perform the action on a constipated monkey with a bad case of the ass, with a Slurpee straw.

10
  1. No panties, unless they’re the crotchless variety.
11

The Big Kahuna is a nightclub/restaurant sort of place in Delaware. The thought of Diane turning into a large building is highly amusing.

12
  1. How 'bout a limit of three smilies per post? Violators could be forced to watch fifteen straight hours of Barney or the Care Bears while being forcefed Jolt[sub]TM[/sub] Cola. Whatever produces the most “deeeep huuuuurrrting.”
    :stuck_out_tongue:
    :rolleyes:[sub]whatever[/sub]
    :confused:[sub]don’t you love us anymore?[/sub]
13

Something really meaty, pithy, and super-duper important in the grand scheme of things…

(Yeah, right)

  1. Get caught posting something someone’s already said (and not a simulpost), and you are today’s target for immense humiliation, scorn, ridicule, and general getting laughed at.
14

The vibes I’m getting from most of these suggestions are more “kahuna’ana’ana” than “kahuna”, I think. I like most of them. :wink:

I would add “An thou harm none, thou mayest post thy wondrously clever sig once per thread.”

15

I could make a comment about front doors and back doors, but I think I won’t. :eek:

  1. Any Dopefest attended by UncleBeer must include an impromptu shoe shopping spree. He’s buying.

  2. Anyone who double posts then submits a third post to apologize for it will have to rotate between giving me a back rub and an arm tickle (you know, when someone slowly runs the tips of their fingers up and down your arm?).

“Rub my back. . . .”
"Now tickle my arm. . . "
"Now my back. . . "
"Arm. . . . "
"Back. . . "

“Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”