If your pets could speak, what do you think they would say to you?
Gizmo, my little puppy and Mama’s boy sook, would say something along the lines of, (whiny voice) “Mom, why don’t you feed us more than twice a day? I’m a growing boy Mom! Mom! Mom! Look at what I’m doing now Mom! Mom! Mom, look at me! Mom! Moooom! You’re not looking!”
Amber, my flighty aloof female would say (haughty, teenage voice) “No, I don’t want to go to the toilet over there on the newspaper! I don’t care if you have to clean it up! No, stop yelling at me, I’ll go where I please. Yeah, so what if I want to chew on these shoes? I don’t care if they are yours! So what? Who cares? Leave me alone!”
My pet DOES talk-- perhaps we can use this as a case study. And he says “No!”, “Stop!” “What?” “No bite”, “What are you DOING?!” “Hi, mom”, and “I love you” when he wants you to scratch his head. Sounds exactly like a 2-year old kid, no?
I’ve always imagined my older dog, Valen, to be somewhat of a “gentleman”. Many people have pointed out that he’s simply… regal… and has a soft spot for the ladies. He’s the kind of dog whom you’d imagine wearing a three piece suit, along with a pocket watch and a top hat. He does his womanising, though, in a very distinguished way. I kind of hear him with a spiffy british accent, a la James Bond. I picture him with a Sean Connery kind of voice. If he could talk, he’d probably say… “Mother? Would you be so kind as to take the puppy out of my hair in order that I might chew this bone in peace? Oh tah. You’re a dear. Thank you. Thank you kindly.”
Zap, the puppy, is my mafia dog. She really tends to hyperfocus when she’s working. She’s the kind of dog you could probably use really HARSH physical corrections with and she’d look up at you and say, “What’s the matter with you, asshole?” She’s out there to rule the world. She makes offers I cannot refuse. She makes me throw the “goddamnedyellowsqueakyball” because I know that if I don’t, she’s going to bark in my ear.
She does have a second mode, of course, which is the “Love MEEEEEEEEEE”-then-fling-yourself-against-mommy mode. She can be all business, or all cuddles.
Come on, throw the ball for me! NOW! I’m a princess, you have to. I’m not going to stop squeaking this thing till you throw it for me!
Do I hear someone in the kitchen? Is that FOOD? Give me food! Ok, fine, if jumping on you doesn’t work, I’m just going to sit here and look pitiful…aren’t I just adorable?
Don’t you dare ever ever ever try to cut my nails or give me an allergy shot again! Stupid humans!
Dottie the dog: Chase the squirrel, chase the squirrel…
Gracie May the cat: Feed me, feed me…
Leo the cat: Wuzza matta, leave me alone. This is my territory and I am going to mark it as mine. Tough shit…
Lilly the cat: Uh…hmm…duh… Lilly is a calico and they are the blondes of the cat species.
Hmm, Belle, my German Shepard, would probably sound like this: "MASTER!!! you’re homeyou’rehomeyou’rehome!!! oh CRAP, i’m upstairs! (runs downstairs) SEE! i’ve been a good girl, i’ve been down here ALL day and not up there chewing and knocking things over and barking at everyone who walks by the front of the house all day long. OOOoooo toy! mmmpphhmpppphhmmppphhmmpppphh CAT! (runs after one of the cats) What’s that? (looks at ceiling fan, which is on) it’s DANGEROUS! must watch it and protect everyone!..must…watch…getting…dizzy…THUMP Ooooohhh Uhhhhhh…CAT!
Yeah, I think she has ADD and the retention span of a gnat.
Junior, the 15 year old, 110lb lab Wonder Dog:
“Would you mind cutting my steak into bite sized pieces?”
Sophie (the slut - 4 year old cat)
“Ha - you thought you’d cured me when you fixed me - I’m still a a slut, I still like sex, who cares if I can procreate?”
Buster the Tom Cat
“Gosh, I’m tired of chasing Sophie and even more tired of chasing all those other tom cats off!!”
W.C. - Wonderful Cat very recently deceased
“I miss you”
San Francisco: I’m meowing just for the hell of it, but as long as I’m getting your attention, why not pat me? Here, I’ll roll over so you can give me a good tummy-rub, or maybe…oh, look! Out the window! A bird!
Denver: Is anybody around? No other cats? Good. Hey, look at me! Here, I need some good headscratching. Ahhh, that’s nice. Hey, where are you going; I’m not done yet. There, that’s much better; very nice. Huh? Who’s coming in the room? Oh, it’s Annie. Get away from me you stupid human. Hi, Annie; what’s up?
Then Denver would whisper an aside to me: “We’ll continue this later, okay? When Annie’s gone? Please?”
Annie: Are you going to the kitchen? For some food, maybe? Some of our food? Great idea; let me show you the way. No, our food is in this other cabinet. Oh, you’re getting food for yourself. What is it? Would I like it? Can I try it? Please? Ugh, that’s terrible. What else do you have? That’s not bad. Can I have some more?
Fergus - 2 year old mini doxie - he doesn’t speak much, although he does sigh quite a bit. (see reason below) “Momma, let’s go for a ride and then come home and you can pet me and love me and then we will take a nap. And then I will guard you from the squirrels. I am your favorite, aren’t I, momma? Can you put Frodo to bed now?” Frodo - 6 month old son of Fergus - he, contrary to his father, never shuts up - "let’s play, let’s play, let’s play, chase me, chase me, chase me, oh food! yum,yumyum, let’s play, let’s play, let’s play, whatcha eatin? Pineapple? I like pineapple,see…yum,yum,yum, chase me,chase me,chase me…
Our Yorkie is very quiet and refined for a “yappy” breed. When he’s awake, he has three basic moods.
(1) Cuddles: He’s the biggest cuddle bug in the world. He’d likely say, "Hold me, love me, cuddle me, n-o-w. This mood tends to strike particularly when we want to read the paper or surf the 'net.
(2) Killer: He enters this mood when a squirrel or other vermin enter his yard. He barks his “killer” bark and runs after them at about 900 miles an hour.
(3) DAD’SHOME: Every night he sits by the window when hubby is expected home and lies in wait. When Mr. Ruby pulls in the driveway, he runs to get me, gets mega-excited, jumping up and down, and making all kinds of cute noises that when translated means “dad’shome!dad’shome!ohmygod!dad’shome!”. We call this one the “puppy alarm” going off.
