Apropos of a conversation I’ve just had - where a chap said that he would be less pissed off if his S.O. came out as a bisexual and left him for another woman rather than another man. Wondering what Dope opinions would be if your S.O. left for somebody of the same sex - would you be more or less pissed off? Or is it exactly equal?
Oh, and hypothetical of course - I’m not casting aspersions. Just use your imagination if you couldn’t conceive of the idea or are not in a relationship.
Being gay, the equivalent would be him leaving me for a woman. Mostly I’d be pissed because he would have been lying to me for the last decade. The being left would be bad enough but finding out that he isn’t who I thought he was would be deeply unsettling.
Added options for gay relationships in the poll; the equivalent of an unexpected orientation change.
Added ‘other’ for bi relationships (too many permutations for my little brain there, and if the other partner is also bi then the question is moot) or any other relationship configurations.
It sort of happened to me in college; for a couple years I’d been dating a (deep-in-denial and) raised strict Catholic guy. (Except I had to leave him - he was unhappy and didn’t want to hurt me, but he didn’t want to be the “bad guy” and break up, and thought I’d handle it better if I could just get mad at him and break it off. So, he played the “ignore her and she’ll go away” method.) A couple years later I contacted him, and he came out to me. That felt better then, because I could see how being that confused and closeted and still unhappy with one’s own sexual orientation could mess with your head.
Now? After I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years? Both would piss me off, but I think leaving me for someone of his same sex would be worse, just because I can’t conceive of lying to yourself or others for that long about your sexuality. (My husband identifies as extremely hetero, as well as open-minded about homosexuality.)
This is kind of interesting. How gay are they coming out as?
I ticked that I’d be equally upset if my wife left me for another woman as if for a man, but then I was imagining it the way it was framed in the OP: she came out as bisexual, then left me for a woman. I’d just be upset that she left me for someone. But I’d probably be more understanding if she came out as just a lesbian, whether it was a “years of inner conflict” kind of thing or a “sudden realisation” kind of thing.
I was assuming that they weren’t faking their orientation in the relationship with you to begin with. Of course, you know what they say about assumptions.
I’d be more upset that she left me for a woman. That would like a kick in the nads (and ego). The emotional hurt I’d just bury like I’ve done my entire life. Considering that my wife isn’t exactly “progressive” that might be one blow to many.
I picked other. I’d be more upset if she was bi and left me for a woman, however, if she was a closet lesbian and left me for a woman I can’t say I wouldn’t be hurt, but I’d try to be supportive of her choice. The reason is that if they’re bi they still can be attracted to me, so it hurts more like rejection. If she’s a lesbian I don’t want her pretending she’s attracted to me just to go along with society, because I know how much that fucks people up.
If my SO left me for someone else, the gender of the other person would only matter to me if it were in contradiction with their stated gender preference during our relationship.
That is to say, I can handle it if someone I’m with falls out of love with me, and meets someone they like more. If I knew the person was bisexual when we got together, I wouldn’t be particularly phased by the gender of their new partner. If they’d been straight, and suddenly realized they’re really homosexual (or vice versa) I’d be considerably more hurt, because it would alter the context of our previous relationship. It’s not a matter of them falling out of love with me, but rather, them realizing that they were never “really” in love with me to begin with. Losing something I had does not hurt as much as finding out I never really had it in the first place.
If they suddenly came out as bisexual, and left me for a new gender, in theory it wouldn’t be as bad, but I suspect my reaction would be about the same, as I’d expect their identity as bisexual is a temporary stop on the way to identifying as fully homosexual.
That mostly applies to a woman leaving me due to a new found interest in banging chicks. If a guy I was dating suddenly decided he was straight and dumped me for a woman… at the very least, I’d be less likely to accept his new identity at face value, and suspect that there was some sort of religious indoctrination in play. I’d be less hurt, but a lot more angry.
I voted straight female, equally up**set, because in theory I’d be just as upset, regardless in his choice. In practice, I’d be very confused, and not a little bit amused, because my husband is a sensitive and accepting man, but as heterosexual as anyone could possibly be.
And without going into any major detail about our personal life, I’d be pretty damned impressed at his acting skills!
My partner is equally attracted to men and women, and prior to our meeting, had a lot of experience with both. If he left me, I really don’t care what the other person’s sex is.
I dated a closeted gay guy in high school. It was a frustrating relationship. After he came out a few years later, it all made sense! I was definitely less mad when I found out it was him, not me. …I mean, he was sooo gay. But so in denial. I wasn’t aware enough at the time to see it, since he was my first real relationship (first kiss, etc).
I don’t currently have a S.O., but based on my relationship history, I don’t think I would be more mad if a male S.O. left me for a guy. I mean, either way he didn’t want to be with me, so it isn’t really relevant if he likes cock.
Much as I’d be utterly heart-broken, at least if my girl ran off with a girl I’d know that she was pursuing something(s) I couldn’t possibly provide. If she left me for a better bloke, there would be the added misery of personal failure to pile on the dungheap.
If she wasn’t leaving and just wanted an open relationship, I’d be less bothered by her dating another woman than dating another man. But going with the nuclear option and leaving changes that.
I’d be just as upset, because he’s leaving me either way, but I would be a lot more confused if he left me for a man, because it means that either something changed or he’s been lying all this time about his orientation. Why? And how did he fake his love of boobies so damn convincingly?
