Is it more hurtful if an SO leaves you for a homosexual relationship?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In looking at some of the recent threads that touched on this subject, I wondered if, from a heterosexual man or woman’s perspective, it’s a more humilating slap in the face if a partner leaves you to pursue a gay relationship, or if it really would be sort of a relief in thinking that the problem is obviously not (completely) you, but their own sexual identity issues. I imagine this would be equally true for committed gay relationships where the SO decides they really aren’t gay after all.

I can understand that people need to pursue their own sexual identity, but can you can you really put all the blame on a person for being so pissed they can’t see straight if their wife or husband, and mother/father of their children says. “Sorry I’m gay. I’m moving on. Get over it!”

In this context it wouldn’t be seen as just a standard “I’m not in love with you” - “I’ve found someone else” type of emotional distancing, but a complete lifestyle betrayal of who they represented themselves to be. Can you really put all the blame their partners for being furious?

2

To me, it would be less hurtful.

3

ditto

4

Couldn’t this question also be for gay SO’s leaving for a heterosexual relationship?

If it was me, in either case, I can see only one reason why losing someone over sexuality is any more hurtful but this view come from seeing both sides of the fence. Sexuality isn’t something defined by your sexual partner. You don’t get turned gay or straight. It would simply hurt for the fact that you loved someone that perhaps never really loved you. It’s that lie that would hurt more.

5

I had a woman decide she was lesbian after about a year with me. Being a man, I of course, came up with the argument, “After me, what man could satisfy her?”

Seriously, I knew the relationship was dying and I still cared enough for her that I wanted to see her happy and the new relationship seemed to work. I honestly have not been that mellow in the past when the other person was a man, but the divisions and ties were not the same either.

My wife and I knew a couple where the husband came out and the wife did go ballistic and has stayed ballistic for ten years now. They were Christian and she became very, very Christian. She has used every Christian argument against homosexuality imaginable whenever possible. She would not let her children, a young daughter at the time and a teenaged son, visit her ex. She would flip out if homosexuality was mentioned in a conversation. And this is not about molestation of the children. She says that was not part of it. She just hates him for throwing her over for a man. She is rational in every other way except dealing with that.

She move over 700 miles away from him and has told us that it was for no other reason than to get the kids and her as far away from the ex as possible. She took it very personally.

6

I agree with nocturnal tick, but I think it might be more embarassing, I’d never tell my friends she left me, for a woman. OTOH, it’s pretty embarassing either way, you get that same feeling of inadequacy.

7

Quite NOT hurtful. Especially if she hopped the fence completely. Because that would mean she was a lesbian that STILL found ME attractive enough to consider.

8

Unless the justification for leaving me were, “Well, I’m sorry, I still love you as a friend, but I’ve been living in denial, and, actually, I’m gay, and I’m not attracted to females in any way,” I’d be equally pissed by my husband leaving me for a man as by my husband leaving me for a woman. Either one would constitute a serious breach of trust, the forming of a more intimate bond, and, finally, the implication that this new person is somehow “better” than me.

With the above justification, I’d still be pretty damn pissed (after all, this is a person who was lying to me about enjoying sex and being attracted to me), but it would be tempered by a sense of “well, he was lying to himself, too, so I can’t be too harsh.” Also, in that case, I can at least give myself the excuse of, “well, he just isn’t attracted to females, and there isn’t thing I can do about it, and the new person isn’t necessarily better, he’s just male.” Lame, I know.

I would still be bothered, though, by the intimate emotional connection that would’ve formed between the two, and that I was not informed of this before it reached the point of “I’m leaving you for someone else. . .and, oh, by the way, I’m gay.” You don’t get to the point of moving in with someone else without a certain amount of time, and I’d like to think that my husband would respect me enough as a person to let me know what was going on with his thoughts about his sexuality before things got that serious with the new lover. That would at least give us the chance to part on more amicable terms.

9

**astro **did mention this in the OP:

As someone who’s been there (5 times) I have to say that the first time was the worst. The second time, that was the worst too. After that, things went into a bit of a decline.[/Marvin the Paranoid Android]

Actually, by the time the 5th occurance happened, I was mostly relieved. But each time, I was shocked. For me, it was an amplification of the same feeling I feel whenever a relationship heads south: the feeling that I never really knew this person as well as I thought I did, and that cognitive dissonance of realizing that this person, who heretofore I could predict and act in rhythm with, was now moving to a different beat than I. That holds true for *all *relationship endings for me. That feeling that I could no longer predict what he was going to say or how he was going to react - it’s magnified a hundredfold when I discover that he’s been fooling himself as well as me. He becomes utterly and completely unpredictable, and I find that very, very uncomfortable and trust issues loom large.

There’s a bit of ego bruising when I’m not thinking rationally. I’ve occasionally caught myself wondering if I’m so lousy in bed I’m driving men to “deviant lifestyles”. Which is, of course, ridiculous. It’s not their choice to like a penis any more than it was mine. I simply don’t have the equipment they need. (Plus, I am assured by many lovers that I’m more than adequate in bed, so it’s definitely not my fault! :D)

10

I think it would hurt less. I would, however ask for proof that she was now a lesbian. Something like a video or some quality photos would make it hurt way less.

11

If anything less hurtful, unless she were bi-sexual in which case it would be equally hurtful.

Haj

12

For me, it would be more hurtful. It’s one thing to find that someone no longer desires you. It’s another to realize they never desired you. Everything about the relationship would seem like a lie. Plus, I’d wonder why I was gullible enough to think this person found me attractive.

I did have an old boyfriend come out long after we’d stopped dating. I had all the “sheesh, how could I have been so gullible” thoughts but, luckily, I was long over him (and we’d never been all that serious anyway), so there was no heartbreak involved.

I did wonder how I would have acted had he come out while we were dating. It would have been really difficult. I’d be torn between my desire to hate the person for breaking my heart while making me feel like a fool and my conscience telling me I should be supportive of someone I cared about going through a difficult time. I don’t know that my conscience would win out over a broken heart.

13

Less hurtful? Who the hell are you people kidding?

I think if a SO leaves you in any situation, it’s incredibly hurtful. But, if they’re leaving you to be in a homosexual relationship, I think there’s a LOT more pain. For starters, if they’re coming out to you for the first time, you’re discovery that you’re not only losing your partner, but that you never knew them that well to begin with. I think that’s devastating.

14

Less hurtful. Definitely. Both would suck though.

15

My situation was a bit more complicated than that. I’m glad that my ex didn’t end up with a female the next time around. I think that part of the problem in our relationship was that he felt he had to be more manly while dating a woman. He’s a non-op transgendered person and even though I encouraged his female side, he felt he had to be more masculine while dating me since I am a pretty feminine girl. I fully expect him to become a total girl now and the idea of losing a boyfriend and gaining a girlfriend is a lot less painful than just losing a boyfriend.

16

I’d probably have to say “more hurtful,” for a variety of reasons. First, there are the trust issues others have mentioned. You’ve been together for X years, on some level you must have been struggling with this, and you never gave me a hint?

There’s also the hope issue. If your girlfriend leaves you for another guy, there’s always a chance she might come back to you eventually. If she leaves you for a woman, you’re pretty much SOL.

To me, though, the biggest thing would be the frustration. I’m bisexual, so you’d think I’d have an easier time understanding this, but to me, it’d be such a trivial thing to get dumped over, especially if everything else about me is attractive to the other person. “You think I’m funny, you like spending time with me, we have all the same interests, but you’re leaving me just because I have a penis?” I know intellectually that, to most people out there, gender is a huge thing, but emotionally, it’s just not something I’ve ever been able to internalize. To me, it’d be like getting dumped for not having a nice enough car, or the wrong hair color, or something like that.

I just don’t get you freakin’ monosexuals.

17

My first instinct was to go with “less hurtful”, as on the whole the leaving would be far more understandable. But then I read some of the “more hurtful” posts and really started thinking about it…

Basically, while I’d be saved a lot of the “But, why?”, I’d end up with a lot more doubt about the relationship’s past. It would be a lot harder to get over the feeling that I was never really wanted/loved in the first place than the fact that I wasn’t wanted/loved anymore.

So, count me in the “more hurtful” camp.

18

Not necessarily. We’re all assuming that the prior relationship (i.e., with us) was the “mistaken identity” relationship, and that now the person has discovered their true sexuality. I think there are instances where it could be the opposite: in the words of the old President’s Phyiscal Fitness Team ads, “You’ll never know until you try out”.

In other words, you may have been left for an experiment, a la Anne Heche.

But it still hurts.

19

To clarify: you mean “shit out of luck,” right?

There are a lot of comments that say it’d be taken as a betrayal, or as a sign that the man or woman wasn’t being completely honest with you, or as a sign that he or she never really loved you. Those are all completely understandable reactions, but they’re a gross oversimplification. I can’t speak for all gay men, of course, but I know that I really truly believed I was basically straight and could be 100% straight if I just tried hard enough. I fell for the line that the Catholic Church and other [sarcasm]helpful, compassionate, religious groups[/sarcasm] keep feeding us, that homosexuality is a challenge that can and must be overcome. So I pursued relationships with women, convinced that at some point, the switch would flip and I’d be as physically attracted to them as I was emotionally.

And I believe I was really, genuinely in love with them, and I’d say I still am. (And I’m lucky that they’re still good friends of mine.) In my case, I cut it off before it turned into a “relationship,” because at some level I knew that it didn’t feel “right,” and I felt it’d be a greater sin to pledge a commitment to someone if I were always going to be wondering what that whole “gay” thing was all about. But I can totally see someone else, either with a less strict religious upbringing than I had, or less trepidation about getting in a relationship at all, going further with a heterosexual relationship eager to make it “work.”

And the feelings for the other person were completely real, there was just no physical attraction to back it up. It wasn’t so much “I secretly know I’m gay, but I won’t trust anyone with that secret,” as much as “I’m not gay I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not and I can prove it, and I can overcome this.” Typed out, it doesn’t sound all that different, but in your head, with all the compartmentalization and such going on, it’s completely different.

20

Well, that just raises the question of whether knowing someone’s sexual orientation is essential to really knowing them. I’d be laughed off the Dope, and deservedly so, if I said that my orientation wasn’t a big deal to me, but that’s only because I keep making an issue of it. In the grand scheme of things, it’s no big deal at all, and unless a person is overwhelmingly shallow, his sexual orientation is the least interesting thing about him. The part that’s often hard for closeted people to overcome is the idea that everything will change somehow once they come out; that they’ll be a different person. It’s a relief to see that you’re still exactly the same person as you were before, with a little bit of extra weight lifted off your shoulders.

And to answer the question from the OP: I’m not sure how I’d react if a boyfriend or husband left me for a woman. I guess I’d take a pretty fatalistic view of it; I’d figure it was “meant to be” that way. It somewhat pains me to say it, but there still is and probably always will be the idea in the back of my head that women are supposed to be with men and vice versa.

Even knowing what I know now, and even after talking to people who are more enlightened than I am and really get how to see the quality of a person as more than his or her sex. You just can’t go for 30-some-odd years hearing over and over again that this is the way the world is, and this is what’s normal, and this is what’s right, without it sticking around in the back of your head and casting a shadow of doubt on everything you do.