The OP:
Her reasons seem to me to be philosophical (sex is private to the people having it for her) but I just don’t see how that possibly works on a day-to-day, practical level.
Ahhh gotcha. I had missed that part; but it seems to be the OP’s personal druthers on the topic, rather than part of the central definition.
I have friends who theoretically have an open relationship, the fact of which is very important to both of them. But they’ve been together 10 years, and neither of them has wandered out of the relationship for the last 4. At this point, even though they’re theoretically open to whoever/whatever, they’re more monogamish than anything else.
Absolutely not.
I’m fairly easy sexually when I’m single, but when I’m with someone I’m with that someone exclusively.
What other people do is their business, but I have to say that perhaps not always but very very often one part of the duo would love to be exclusive but doesn’t have the self-esteem to demand it or otherwise walk out, and the other party takes advantage and has their cake and eats it.
The only thing that makes a married couple a married couple is sexual monogamy. If you don’t have that, you might as well be single.
Nope. If she wants strange, she can have it, as her ass is walking out my front door for good.
Here is a very interesting article about open relationships from the Guardian. You see, all these people insist it’s fine and cool and bohemian, but none of them has me convinced. Perhaps it’s my bourgeois closed mind, but all I (and many of the people in the comments) see is misery and low self-esteem.
That’s pretty much my read on monogamy, which illustrates my equally closed bohemian mind, I suppose.
My friend’s sister was in such a relationship at the request of her husband. She fell in love with another dude and has been monogamously married to him for longer than she was married to her ex.
I might be interested in a threesome or swinging, but everything would be done with the full consent and knowledge of my husband or I’m not doing it. The only way I could realistically see myself or my husband getting something on the side in a DADT situation is if one of us were badly mangled in such a way that sex was no longer possible; however, I suspect that we’d break up before we got to that point.
We are a species that generally practices pair bonding and serial social monogamy. That’s why oxytocin, the bonding hormone, flows through us when we kiss or orgasm. I suspect that some people, due to genetics, are more suited to monogamy than others, and that some can’t help but fall in love through sex. If I knew my husband could have sex without falling in love, I’d be less leery about it, but to spring it after monogamy has been established without any prior experimentation? That’s too big of a risk to take.
I have no moral qualm with it, and I am friends with people in an open marriage. I’m cool with whatever works for them.
As for me, I rather naively found myself being part of that experiment in my own marriage, and suffice to say that it REALLY didn’t work for me. Of course, in our case, it was definitely not a healthy experiment, and her desire to try it was really just a symptom of issues that should have shown us then and there that we shouldn’t be together (we figured it out shortly thereafter, however).
Still, from that brief time, I can say that I wouldn’t want that with anyone. I’ve never quite been able to personally view sex as a purely physical activity, and I think that it would be virtually impossible for me to truly believe that my spouse (past, current or imaginary) could have sex with someone else without any feelings at all for that person being involved. And that’s the part that drives me a bit nutty – I don’t want my spouse sharing that kind of emotional bond with anyone else.
Additionally, I know that I can’t have sex without some emotional attachment involved, and I don’t think I’d want to be married to someone who didn’t care about my feelings for another woman that way.
Since your OP said “spouse” I said “unequivocally no.” I’ve had non-exclusive relationships in the past but that is what distinguishes marriage, IMHO.
For me the answer is a complete and total no.
Having said that, I see my particular situation as something that is something-else. Like I see everyone else’s situation in that category. Which is to say that I can’t, and don’t, think of relationships within defined categories like monogamy. That’s a term that can be useful on a broader scope, but not a specific one. How people understand the specifics of their personal desires and needs with a companion is a fluid exercise. It depends on whether or not you see yourself as malleable or firm as an individual, within circumstances, and/or through time.
The purpose and path of my relationship, on my end, does not include that possibility except as a deal-breaker. When two people want opposing things, they choose what to do. If you were to tell your spouse about this desire and they chose to leave you for it, that would make sense. If they chose not to, that would make sense. If they chose to agree with you, that would make sense. I’m not necessarily trying to be relative here. What I’m trying to bring out is that I think there isn’t any satisfying kind of answer to this question. For some yes, for some no, and both possibilities are always exactly equal in being right.
Having said that, I would brand this type of behaviour/need/desire as incredibly selfish. Something like wanting all the emotional, dependency, reliability, and economic benefits of a monogamous relationship without the ties that those characteristics (seem to) imply. Though this may be that my views on the utility of monogamous relationships is rigid and out-dated. My gut reaction is to be annoyed with the idea when I relate it to myself, but totally passive when it comes to others.
I’d be really confused. As she (CrazyCatLady) states above, her thoughts on the subject are not exactly equivocal.
I’m not opposed to the concept for other people but it’s definitely not for me. Some people clearly aren’t cut out for monogamy, and the world would be better if those people found one another instead of giving in to the societal pressure to make monogamous commitments they don’t intend to keep or that they’ll be miserable keeping. I don’t think that wanting (or even needing) more than a single sexual partner precludes loving and wanting to make a life with someone.
But I don’t feel that need, and I have far too much jealousy and far too little self-confidence to be comfortable with her doing it. I suppose that if it were something she really needed to be happy I’d find a way to consider it, but as I said it would be so out of character that it’s difficult to imagine a situation where everything was truly OK with her and with us where it would come up.
I REALLY couldn’t do the DADT version, because I have a far too active imagination; every time she nipped out to the grocery store I’d imagine her blowing some guy in the parking lot. But I also really wouldn’t want to hear about it, so the options are limited.
^This.
I want to clarify.
I don’t see “monogamish” as the same as an open relationship. In an open relationship, you are keeping the option open to actively date and see other people. I’m not really into that- polyamory and open relationships never really appealed to me.
What I am comfortable with is something along the lines of “Hey, baby. I just want to let you know that if you ever get drunk at a business conference or something and end up slipping up, it’s not the end of the world. Be smart, be safe, don’t make a habit of it, and don’t rub it in my face. But if it happens, well, forever is a long time. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it takes more than a dick in a hole to be the end of us.”
Another YES vote here, but circumstances/couple has to be right.
Our joke is that what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. She was the one who brought it up … asked if I wanted to go to a strip club. One thing led to another and we ended up at the Red Rooster (a swing club). Not much happened that night, but after talking about it for a while after we got home we put our profile up on a friendfinder site. That was about ten years ago. Not that we do this every single weekend. There are a few parties a year, a few trips to clubs here and there especially when we travel, the occasional date when another couple interests us.
Jealousy has never been a part of it. I wouldn’t say it’s as clinical as a doctor exam, more a massage. Would you get jealous or consider it a dealbreaker if your SO got a massage from someone else? Our emotional bond is as strong as ever, so there’s no thought of ‘what if’? plus, we’re both fine in the self-esteem/confidence department. Also, it’s a let’s do this together thing. No interest in separate rooms, and if either of us sense that another couple is trying to repair a relationship the deal’s off.
I guess the difference is whether your partner says “I want to go fool around with that guy/gal” or “let’s go fool around with them.” Subtle, but important difference.
ya think?
You are leaving out the emotional stuff. My husband wouldn’t leave me if I “slipped up” and I wouldn’t leave him if he did, but both of us would be emotionally devastated by the other person’s unfaithfulness. The fact that I wouldn’t leave him for it doesn’t mean he’s free to do it.
I’d more than likely forgive that after it had happened. But I don’t want to pardon it beforehand as that just seems terribly close to giving permission.
Er…yes. That’s why I stated that opinion.
I wouldn’t go right to an *unequivocal no, so I split my vote for “depends” and “other.”
But I would lean very very heavily towards No. If my wife put this on the table, I’d be extremely wary. I’d have to wonder what she needs or wants that she’s not getting from me. And it would take a lot *of convincing that this arrangement would untimately be a good thing for our marriage. In the end I really doubt I’d go for it. I doubt even more that my wife would propose it in the first place.
In my view, all parts of a marriage intertwine with one another, in complex and wonderful ways. I don’t see how I could just pull the “sex” part out, without unraveling everything else.
Case in point:
Is it possible that the “open” part of your marriage worked so well because the rest of it sucked so badly?