If you have a memory problem, shake your head.
If your easily distracted er…
uh…
hmmm
Oh!
If you’re easily distracted go to bed…
what?
So posting to this thread means I’m not lazy and therefore have initiative! HELL YEAH!
yOU
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beeeee Y
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rehen
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if yoU;Re E E
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o &youthinkyouareaPOET
if
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I think that should be “If you’re Kiki and you know it…” <poing> 
If you want to start a hijack, pick a fight!
Claim that gays are all depraved, or Bush is right!
If you want a thread derailed,
This approach has never failed,
For it’s guaranteed that some poor fool will bite!
10 print “Are you really bad at programming?”
20 input $answer
30 print “Are you sure?”
40 input $sure
50 if ($answer = “yes”) and ($sure=“yes”)
60 for i = 1 to 3; clap (hands); next i
Dude, I work for a Japanese company!!
The best things I’ve ever heard the office manager try to say are “bereavement leave” and “temporarily.” She just can’t do it!!
You should visit www.engrish.com for some more good ones.
If you’re Zen and you know it clap one hand…
**
If you’re tired of this song, why sing it?
If you’re tired of this song, why sing it?
If you’re tired of this song,
why not move along?
If you’re tired of this song, why sing it?
**
I’m so tired of this song. Why am I still singing this?
That’s a pretty funny site, Avarie537
So if a manager rushes up to you and says “Crap!” do you applaud, or run?
I’m trying to work my way up to purgatory with a milder one:
If you’re clumsy and you know it, clap your hands.
But you’re clumsy and you miss by a wide span.
Your arms whip around your back,
Your hands tuck inside your crack.
If you’re clumsy, never try to clap your hands.
Caucasian and you know it, stamp your feet.
Caucasion, please don’t blow it, keep the beat.
It’s a-one, a-two, a-three
And what’s next? Hmm, let me see.
Ah screw it all, I think I’ll take a seat.
If you’re a telekinetic, clap my hands!
If you’re a telekinetic, clap my hands!
Rake my yard, wash my car!
So I don’t have to work so hard!
If you’re a telekinetic, clap my hands!
If you’re easily amused read this thread
If you’re easily amused read this thread
Clap your hands, sing out loud
Come along and join the crowd
If you’re easily amused read this thread
If you’re stupid and you know it, vote for Gore
Or you can elect a shrub but not a bore
Two party system’s blown it
We need a new opponent
If you’re stupid and you know it pick a whore!
The answers in GQ are real gems
Get angry at someone go pit them
Join a poll and you won’t mope
Share mundane stuff with us, we hope
Register and join us at Straight Dope
Not sure if you’ve all seen this one yet.
> To the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it”
> If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
> If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
> If the terrorists are frisky,
> Pakistan is looking shifty,
> North Korea is too risky,
> Bomb Iraq.
>
> If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
> If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
> So to hell with the inspections,
> Let’s look tough for the elections,
> Close your mind and take directions,
> Bomb Iraq.
>
> It’s “pre-emptive non-aggression”, bomb Iraq.
> Let’s prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
> They’ve got weapons we can’t see,
> And that’s good enough for me
> ‘Cos it’all the proof I need
> Bomb Iraq.
>
> If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
> If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
> If you think Saddam’s gone mad,
> With the weapons that he had,
> (And he once p*ssed off your dad),
> Bomb Iraq.
>
> If your corporate fraud is growin’, bomb Iraq.
> If your ties to it are showin’, bomb Iraq.
> If your politics are sleazy,
> And hiding that ain’t easy,
> And your senates getting queasy,
> Bomb Iraq.
>
> Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
> For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
> Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
> Let’s make war not love this season,
> Even if we have no reason,
> Bomb Iraq.
>
>
Any room in that handcart? 
If you suffer from Tourette’s, clap your tits
If you blow-job from Tourette’s, bum your hands
If you suffer and you wank it
And you really want to poo-hole
If you bollocks from Tourette’s, clap your dick
Huh - pressed ‘submit’ before I copied the rest of the ones I’ve been working on…
If you’re happy and contagious, wash your hands
If you’ve chills and shakes and nasty swollen glands
If you’ve numbness in the head
Then cheer up – you’ll soon be dead
If you’re happy and contagious, wash your hands
.
.
.
If you really like equations, solve for p
Where p’s the first derivative of t
And t (in things per hour)
Is raised to some ungodly power
Plus the square root of a quarter of h c
.
.
.
If you’ve heard it all before, blah blah blah
.
.
.
If you’ve nearly reached your climax, cla-aa-aaahh!
If you’ve – ooohh, oh yeah, baby – yeah yeah yeahh!
If you – wow! That’s just so ohhh…
And you really mmmm – yeah, ohhhhhh!
If you omigosh yes yes oh-uh-uh-uh-uuuhhhhhhhhhhhh!
If you want something on ebay, don’t bid now.
If you want something on ebay, don’t bid now.
Wait until the last minute.
And then just go and snip it.
If you want something on ebay, don’t bid now.
If you’re trying to do homework, don’t come here.
You’ll be distracted and set into arrears.
You’ll be forced to write this song,
and you’ll want to sing along.
But your homework is causing your eyes to tear.