I'm beginning to regret getting back in touch with my father & step mom

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

You’re really assuming a lot there if you’re aiming that particular diatribe at me. I am in fact a parent, and a step parent as well. And my step children do not hate me and have actually learned a lot about personal responsibility from me that they’d never been exposed to before.

I think we all bring our own personal baggage to this thread, and that influences which side we might feel sympathy for. I’ve been in the step mother’s shoes, and they suck. Having a resentful person in your house *all the time *for six months will get to a person. I’m not jumping to conclusions that she’s a passive-aggressive bitch when he’s already said that he leaves the common rooms when she comes in. Don’t you know how being ostracized in your own house would wear on you? And if you had an iffy relationship with that person to start with, wouldn’t that make it worse? And some of you people seem to feel that the bad relationship is entirely her fault. Huh.

I think that he’s at least half responsible for the strain, based on what he’s posted here. And he has the choice to leave; she probably doesn’t, and also probably can’t throw him out due to trying to maintain her relationship with her husband.

82

Has anybody addressed the point that **Ryan **has said that he hasn’t had a job because of personal problems?
We should find out what these are before we start heaping too much abuse on the stepmom.
So, he’s paying rent, but can’t afford to move out because he just started a new job? How much rent is he paying?? Token, or a fair amount? BTW, is it a full or part time job?
His dad wouldn’t let him not move in with him??? Wait a minute…
R_L I’m partly with you and partly think you are a big crybaby…You ask if you are complaining too much, and then when people don’t give you a sympathetic answer, you get all …crybaby!
You are not yet mature. You are giving all the symptoms of a child in his teens, and because you are in your mid twenties, you think you are mature. Listen, I was there in my mid twenties. I was as full of crap as you are until my late 30s. So, her own children don’t live with her?? Wheehee! That means you are 100 percent right, and she 100 percent wrong!
OK, so you have a social life…BFD! That helps the home situation, doesn’t it!!!
Get a professional life! Pay your own way! Get your own car! Then, get out of the house! Get your own place! Once you become a breadwinner, instead of a child hanging onto his parents, you’ll see them through different eyes. Once they see you as a responsible, self sustaining adult, they’ll see you differently, too.
The direct answer to your OP question is that you are all in the wrong, but we’re telling you because you’re the only one on the board! Not because of what you are doing, but because of how you are handling it. Adult wills are in conflict, and the three of you haven’t reached a point in your lives where you understand that so you are blaming, rather than accommodating, one another.
Get a job, keep it, move out, then reconsider.

Best wishes,
hh

83

Remind me again, who said that?

A lot of people have said “you can suck it up or move out.” Jaded_Goddess offered what I consider very good advice for dealing with the situation in the meantime (there is nothing so sweet as the moral high ground) as did Mississippienne.

I don’t see one single person saying that the parents are obviously sweet, wonderful people to live with, and that Ryan is a dick and a loser for living at home. Who said that, in your opinion?

I think one or two people called Ryan ungrateful, which he surely is: as unpleasant as these people are making his life, I’m sure it beats being on the street, and they were under zero obligation to take him in. That’s what we call “perspective” and the fact that a few people noted that Ryan could benefit from a little, does not imply he is a jerk or a loser.

84

You don’t know me, you don’t know my kids, yet you know they hate me? It is my house and my husband’s , and it is therefore our rules. If my son doesn’t like it, he is free to move out , or he can pay 1/3 of the cost of running the household. Oddly, he prefers to suck it up, live by the rules and pay $200/month for a place to live, meals, utilities , cable, cell phone, health insurance , toiletries etc. Oh , and sometimes the rules change. I never thought to tell him he couldn’t sleep on the couch until 3pm Saturday until the day he did it.

The OPs family might be crazy and manipulative- but that doesn’t change the fact that it is their house, and they set the rules unless he can persuade them to change them. Doesn’t look like he’ll have much success with that. BTW, if anyone was living in my home and left the room if I entered, they wouldn’t be living there for long. That’s horribly rude, and I’m not going to fell unwelcome in my own home.

85

Ryan_Liam - The long and short of it is that you can’t change someone else. Your father and step-mother are who they are,whether it’s what you want or not. They own the place, not you. All you can do is try to change your circumstances so you’re not as unhappy. For most of us, that means doing whatever it takes to get out of there.

Most mature people will try to understand the motivations behind why people behave as they do. It’s very hard to realize that every story has many viewpoints, and each person feels justified in their own. Can you honestly say you’ve given your step-mother a chance in this, or at least tried to see how she may be feeling? You leave the room if she enters. You stopped all contact with your father when he married her, based on letters she wrote to your mother - do you know what letters your mother may have written to them? This was when you were in your teens, not seeing the divorce from an adult perspective. If you pretended to be your father, what do you think he’d be writing on some anonymous message board? What to you think your step-mother would be saying to her friends.

Surely, if you have a social life, you should have friends (or your brother) you could move in with temporarily.But mostly understand that they aren’t sitting there plotting ways to make your life more miserable, they’re just trying to get through having an extra person in their house. No one’s saying they are perfect, but neither are you perfect. So thank them for their help when you needed it and leave.

StG

86

GTFO. Forget the analysis and the anger. Just leave. I would sleep in my car and shower at the gym before I would put up with that living situation. Take control of your own life.

87

Dude I know how to feel empathy and it does make me feel sad that I seem unable to have a normal relationship with them, however considering one side seems to be unable to come up towards an accomodation, then you just get tired of it.

I was there at my fathers wedding, it was nothing to do with her being my step mom. I’ve seen the correspondance from both letters, and I saw it as an immature thing to do, however, it doesn’t make a good foundation to have a good relationship with my step mom considering she’s been a bitch to my actual mom.

Dude, this isn’t some step mom in which she’s nice but has become increasingly bitter at her cold hearted step son, she has always been like this the minute me and my brothers met her. You talk about how I should make more of an effort, well considering I have done this, why hasn’t she? She never initiates conversation with me unless she has too and she never talks to me or relaxes around me, and I’m talking about when nothing is bothering and I’m just normal. So obviously she has a problem with me, again in which I just have become tired of it and intiated a routine of avoidance because it’s just awkward.

All my friends live like 200 miles away. I only just moved here, maybe I should of said this in the beginning but my dad lives a long way from where I used to live. It’s not like it’s around the corner. It just seems whenever the rules are imposed and I’m successfully following them, and everything has calmed down, they start all over again complaining about something else, again which I stated as constantly moving the goalposts forward.

Whatever, the fact is I don’t like it when people take the absolute moral highground and immediately think I’m an ungrateful douchebag who should just shut up and put up, yeah, because that’ll do great for my future relationship with my parents when I eventually am out of the house. I’m thinking long term here as well you know.

88

kayaker and st germain were among the bunch, doreen is pretty bad too (the former two sans kids, I’m fairly sure.)

The under zero obligation part from you is completely surprising to me. Maybe it’s because my parents are immigrants, but I would never dream of throwing out a family member on the street, with the notable exceptions for addictions, like drugs/alcohol. Everyone takes care of one another, putting their own lives on hold to do so. I took a semester off of school to care for my grandmother while she rehabbed a broken leg. I never thought twice about it. Meanwhile my school advisers and (not close) friends thought I was some kind of saint. It’s just what you do for family - or so I thought most everyone did.

For a mother like doreen to want 1/3 of all expenses is hilarious and pathetic. 1/3 of all groceries and non-fixed utilities, like water or electricity, perhaps, but only if they’re freaking living hand to mouth themselves. But 1/3 for a mortgage? That’s absurd. So’s sleeping on the couch till 3pm, but she no doubt raised him that way, so she’s reaping what she sowed.

bolding mine

First, don’t insinuate he’s not mature. That’s asinine. Secondly, didn’t you pay attention to the roughs ketch of his childhood? It’s not exactly flowers and posies. Hitler also felt justified in his own viewpoint. What stupid reasoning. People with experience with stepparents such as this one have pointed out that she sounds like their own. I mean, COME ON, how the fuck do you justify passive-aggressive behavior like leaving little notes? That’s just beyond stupid. I knew a girl in college who did that. She also walked around with pants or underwear sometimes and lied to her roommates that she was fucking another roommate.

89

Hey, your step Mom may well be one cold hearted bitch to you, and she has likely tired of your company, she may well want you out of her home. I’m not going to dispute that you are correct about those things, as they seem painfully evident.

Here’s the thing, if you’d not had Dad pluck you up, you might well have found yourself taken in by some other adult in your life. Friend/family/stranger, doesn’t matter. The difference is that you’d have bent over backwards to accommodate whatever their demands were of you. You wouldn’t have brought expectations of being treated one way or the other, you wouldn’t have arrived with baggage about other tiffs and estrangements from the past to colour your view. Were you living on my couch, I suspect, you be more than accommodating of getting up at six am, only showering after 10 pm, no tv on Sundays or any other crazy shit I made up. Why? Because you wouldn’t assume it relates to any history we don’t have, and you’d be painfully aware that without me you’d be on the street. So, yeah you’d be one accommodating house guest. You’d find a way to work around whatever wasn’t suiting you and you’d be saving you pennies to move out, starting day one.

This is about growing up. Don’t like where you live? Move! Can’t afford it? Then suck it up by being an accommodating and pleasant house guest (whatever the whackiness) and save your money. Hawk something or move to the YMCA, couch surf at a friend’s. Don’t have those options? Back to suck it up.

You have a long history of disharmony with these two people and couldn’t summon the maturity to say ‘no’. Now you find yourself in a bit of a snarkfest, as you’ve over stayed your welcome by being a less than pleasant and accommodating house guest (whatever the whackiness).

You can slice it and dice it anyway you like, but a mature adult would recognize that you alone had the opportunity to either make it work or not, you chose not. You alone had the choice to move, or not, to their house, a choice you failed to exercise.

Mature adults own their choices and live with the consequences, without complaint. Which brings us back to; “Suck it up or move!”

90

So you can come up with two, maybe three posters in this entire thread that merit your “you’re all a bunch of jerks who don’t know how hard it is out there” rant? Sounds like this thread was actually the opposite of a pile-on.

First of all, my father is an immigrant and I don’t think parents have to “drop everything and put their lives on hold” for other adult family members. If they want to take you in, it’s very nice of them and a favor. The person for whom the favor is done should be appreciative and not bitch because the way the favor is done doesn’t suit them exactly.

And do you remember where Ryan cut off relations with his father for 8 years? Call me nuts, but I think after nearly a decade of voluntary non-contact passes, whatever family obligations existed, have thinned to the point of nonexistence. Do YOU really drop everything for a relative that has intentionally snubbed you for 8 years? I find it hard to believe you or anyone you know has actually done so.

BTW, the horrible fate Ryan’s dad was saving him from, was living with his brother, who, not inconsequentially to this tale, is a fat, passive-aggressive loser who has the temerity to work 10 hour days. Strange how all of Ryan’s family take him in, and yet turn out to be complete assholes.

One begins to surmise, that Ryan is not the easiest person to live with, and he’s extremely judgmental of his family while demanding every benefit of the doubt from them. That’s a one-sided, childish outlook. Grownups, as St Germain rightly pointed out, try to see their own part in things, own their bad decisions, and at least try to see the other point of view as emotionally valid (even if it is rationally unjustified).

91

Excuse me, my brother, the miserable asshole I described in that thread, was the same miserable asshole when unemployed, his behaviour didn’t change no matter how pleasant I was, hence the frustration. And not ‘All of Ryans family take him in’ I lived with my older brother for 3 years after my mom sold the family home, which I’d lived in all my life. We’ve always lived with each other, the reason why I moved with my dad was because my brother was increasingly threatening to kick me out.

Yes, I must be the most hardest person to live with in accordance to the fact I hardly complain about peoples cleanliness or expect them to make me dinner whatnot, I’m a very independent guy, as long as they didn’t burn the apartment down, I was laid back about it, apparently, everyone else is quite uptight. Or how about when I was employed and my brother was unemployed, and how I bought him a suit and tie to go to interviews as well as pay the rent and all the other bills, yes, signs of immaturity on my part. Or the fact my brother regulary did drugs in the apartment, I didn’t mind, yet somehow I’m taking advantage.

I’m quite capable of cleaning dishes and cleaning my room, which I do regulary, what I’m tired of is the lack of respect I’m given, and the expectation of absolute respect to the people I’m living with.

Like I’ve said before, I dunno, call me crazy I thought living with my dad away from all that would help me somewhat, and it did, I’m more proactive and able to be more self confident, however, I’ve come to the realisation that living with him and his wife is awful, and so, I will make steps to move out, which I already discussed earlier in the thread.

92

I had a nightmare last night about moving in with parents probably inspired by this thread.

:eek:

Ryan_Liam,

Save every single penny you possibly can and then get out. Life is too short to make yourself that miserable. My MIL is a lot like your step mom. Nothing I do will ever change her wrong feelings about. I’ve stopped trying. Just ignore her and don’t take it personally.

93

I suspect that this is coloring your perception a bit. It may be that in your culture or your family all adults are expected to put their lives on hold to take care of other family members. If so, it appears to be a two way street. The OP doesn’t strike me as being willing to do that for the father he hadn’t spoken to in years.

I didn’t say I wanted 1/3 of the expenses, I said that’s how he would get an equal say in the house rules. In fact he contributes $200 a month, and if he were in school I not only wouldn’t be expecting that , but would be paying his tuition. I suppose he could hate me because my rules are so onerous (don’t occupy the living room all day when you have your own room, let me know if you’re not coming home,no mold-growing experiment, and help with chores) He’d pretty ungrateful if he did though. BTW, the sleeping on the couch until 3 pm was an example of a rule change- since it never happened before, of course there wasn’t a rule before. Which is what i originally said. How you get that i raised him that way I have no idea.

Look ,suppose you and I were renting an apartment together, and suppose it cost $3000 a month, between rent ,utilities ,groceries etc. $1500 each.And suppose we had a down-on-his-luck friend, who moved in temporarily and contributed $200 a month. Do you really believe that he should get an equal say in how we live while at home? Obviously , I don’t think we have a say in what he does when he’s not home, but if you and I have decided that eating is to be confined to the kitchen (perhaps because we have a vermin phobia or maybe we have white carpets) i don’t think he gets to change the rule. And if his standard of cleanlinessis higher than ours, he’s the one who has to adjust. And even if some of our rules seem a little crazy to people who don’t follow them (like no shoes in the house) he’ll still have to be the one to adjust. I don’t think it really has anything to do with a parent- child relationship - except, of course, that generally people don’t allow friends to move in and make a token contribution. That’s usually reserved for parents, children , grandchildren and the occasional sibling.

94

Think about this part you just wrote Lindsaybluth “Everyone takes care of one another, putting their own lives on hold to do so.” You say in your family EVERYONE takes care of one another; you don’t say your parents take care of their grown children no matter what.
I see nothing wrong with a grown child paying their share of living expenses like in Doreen’s case. I am a parent as well as grandparent and I don’t see that any of my kids hate me. Even when they were young children I told them they were part of the family and had to be a contributing member of the household; age appropriately of course.
Believe me, I had one doozy of a passive aggressive, mean spirited mother. I know how stressful that is. But the fact of the matter is in her own home that was her prerogative as wrong as it was. If she would have been living in my home it never would have been allowed.
If Ryan wants a different sort of life, he has to move out. That is not downing him, that’s just a fact.

95

Strangely enough, I’m around the same as as the OP and about to enter the same sort of situation, although I am hoping it won’t last six months. My sister decided to move in with her fiance, so that left me either finding a place of my own, covering rent for a two bedroom apartment until I can find a roommate, or suck it up and crash with my parents for a couple of months until things settle down and I can find an appropriate place to move. (Finding a place now is pretty much impossible since I have vacation plans from the end of the month until the middle of the next)

The difference is, my parents aren’t the complete assholes you portray yours to be. My mom and I get along better when we don’t live together, but I don’t get along with my dad at all whether we live together or not; we’re both stubborn explosive people, and while he doesn’t recognize it, I do. Yet, it doesn’t help much when we get into arguments because there’s such a huge history behind us and where I can say “let’s just agree to disagree” with others I have heated conversations with, the ones with my dad accumulate until we’re screaming, throwing things, and slamming doors. I still remember when I was in fourth grade, I put a lot of effort into making this Egyptian pyramid out of paper and crafted a little tomb out of cardboard. Then when my dad got home from work, he took a look at it and stomped it into pieces because it was creepy and he didn’t want that kind of thing in the house. I know things like that were a long time ago, and I should have let that grudge go already, but things like that don’t slip from people’s consciousness when it paints vivid characterization of the person he is. I can accept that we’re all adults now, but I’m wary still because if I have children, is that how he’s going to treat them too?

Anyway, I’m not going to be under delusions that my dad will treat me as an adult tenant in the next couple of months, although I will be paying them rent. The parent-child dynamic just doesn’t work out that way, no matter how old everyone gets. What I do know is that this is temporary, and as soon as I am back from my vacation, I am going to do a full search, find a suitable place to live, and not be at the mercy of my parents’ rules. It wasn’t so long ago that I remember my first time leaving the nest. It had gone up to a boiling point with my dad and I kept saying things like “If you leave so abruptly, they’ll hate you and never speak to you again” or “I just started my first full time job, what if I get fired?” or “It’s too hard to pay my own rent, my own utilities, and buy my own groceries” but then it boiled down to “What is more important? Letting them keep their power and control, or leaving for the sake of my mental health?” That was easy once I knew the right question to ask myself. Living away from them was scary at first, but definitely worth it.

Anyway, my point is, as someone who has been there and will be there again very soon, if your mental health is suffering from your situation, find a way to change it. You can’t change your parents so either change yourself, or change your situation. Sure, you can whine about it to let off some steam, but in the end, you have to do something. Take action and responsibility for your own life.

96

I’m not talking about lives on hold 100%, I’m talking about helping a person out for a few months or a reasonable amount of time given the situation. The passive-aggressive stepmother’s behavior is right out of Cinderella. But when did we all get so selfish that we can’t take care of family?

A down on his luck friend should first turn to his family. If he doesn’t like his family, tough shit. If he has no family or if they are dangerous or pathological, we may give him a tiny bit of help. Secondly, I’m in no position to financially help anyone right now, as I don’t have a 6 month cushion myself; I graduated just over a year ago. If he were both of our friends equally, the friend should definitely get a corner in the living room. And we set the rules within reason. But this is because he’s not family. The rules are totally different; it’s apples and oranges. Obviously we check on his progress toward getting a job and his own place. But we don’t leave passive-aggressive little notes everywhere, we don’t resent him and try to hide it and we aren’t general assholes. We do try to help him out as much as possible while he gets back on his own two feet, including emotional support and encouragement.

97

I never said “no matter what”, those are your words. I also never meant or insinuated for an indefinite period of time. The guy is contributing. And if you’re a grandparent, he and I are also paying your Social Security and Medicare right now, huge entitlement programs that neither of us will have in our older years. So I hope you give your grandkids a big hearty thank-you for funding your old age.

98

I’m not saying anyone is so selfish that they can’t take care of family. I’m saying I didn’t get the impression from the OP that he would inconvenience himself to help his father or stepmother, and certainly not that he would put his life on hold. Whatever the expectation is , whether it’s put your life on hold, give only necessary help, or you’re on your own , it ought to be a two way street. If the OP expects to be able to have a say in the house rules in his father and stepmother’s house, he had better be willing to give them a say when they move into his household in their old age.

And you define what’s within reason, not the friend. If your rule is no shoes in the house, and the friend thinks that’s crazy, too bad for him. I’m not saying that I agree with the OPs stepmother’s rules and means of communication , but that’s a different issue than who has how much of a say in setting the rules.

99

lindsaybluth - You’re paying my Social Security? no wait - I don’t get social security for another 20 years. and by that time, I’ll have paid in for over 50 years. Believe, I stand on my own two feet ad I’ve funded my own old age.

My point is, Ryan_Liam (and you) seem to only see his side. I’m not saying his father and step-mom are blameless. But if you look at this thread and the other, he’s the model of perfection and everyone else is at fault. We all know that’s not how the world is. He leaves the room when she enters, she leaves lists.

StG

100

20 years out? Yikes, might wanna join my side of things, since it won’t be around in the capacity it is now! The other thread? There was another? Leaving lists is passive-aggressive and enormously bitchy, there’s no two ways about it. Leaving the room is avoiding inevitable confrontation.