Since when did I say I was the model of perfection? I’m not blaming everything on just her and my dad, it’s the situation between all three of us which is bad and I wanna know why. I don’t do drugs or party all night, I generally stay in and maybe go on my computer or watch TV, yet these things are a big deal.
As for leaving the room when she enters, I’ll give examples, because it’s not as cut and dry as that, it’s just if I know she’s somewhere in the house I tend to avoid that area because it’s just too awkward. I only feel comfortable with her if my dad is there with me because she makes absolutely no effort to try and engage me, and I have tried too in the past.
Word of advice (I know you’re getting more than you need in this thread but I think many people here will concur with this), stop trying to figure it out. There may be a reason, there may not be. If you keep reveling in this, you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Sometimes, people are just the way they are and even if you find the reason, it doesn’t mean you can fix it.
See, this is where I see a clue to the root problem. These are adult human beings sharing a home, ones with blood ties, to boot. The concept of “equal” should not even come up. There should be no thought of ranking the worth or authority of the people you live with. They are your tribe, your home, your family.
When an adult agrees to live with another adult, he or she should expect to surrender some degree of control over the surroundings. There should be no need to get into legal relationships or contractual relationships or relative value.
And once you are in a family, you are a member of that family for life. You give birth to children, you are responsible to them and for them from cradle to grave, whoever’s comes first. And if you all choose to continue sharing a home, then the older they get, the looser your control over them, and, consequently, your environment gets. That’s how you treat other people like human beings, like people, rather than subordinates.
I think maybe we have a different idea of equal say. I’m not saying that anyone shouldn’t expect to surrender some degree of control over their surroundings - but that goes for the adult person moving into a household , too. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be discussion, compromise etc. But when one party is unwilling to discuss, or no compromise is possible *someone *has to have the final say. And that someone is going to be the person or persons maintaining the household. If my mother moves in with us, it’s just too bad that she thinks dogs should stay outside most of the time. Mine stays inside. Also too bad if she has different ideas about where , when or what we should eat or if she thinks it’s just fine to leave dirty laundry all over the bathroom floor.
The family for life thing goes both ways. The OP avoids his stepmother, doesn't want to spend any time with his father, and has apparently eaten dinner in his room since he moved in. They're not sharing a home as a family- he's acting as if he is a boarder. Whatever whackiness was going on, acting like a boarder surely didn't improve things.
Actually, I have two lovely children. My daughter is in college. My son lives with his mother, although he comes to live with me and my gf whenever he has fights with his mother. We love having him, and he could stay forever if he wanted. Problem is his mom doesn’t work and requires no chores/etc from him. When he stays with us he pulls his share of work (horse care, making his bed, etc). That gets old after a week and he graciously thanks us for the week and moves home.
But back to the OP. it is titled:
I just can’t help but feel that they must have nearly the same sentiment. Dad and step-mom are the ones I feel bad for here.
Ah, well that makes more sense then, since that’s where you’re coming from. Your kid is spoiled because his mom is lazy. In middle school I was making family dinners and cleaning and gardening for hours a day in the summer. I could have and put the burden on my parents, but I chose not to. But that also falls under the “right” things to do for family.
ascenray put into words what I apparently couldn’t.
Actually, (surprisingly), he is not IMHO spoiled. When he lives with us he works hard and understands that it is expected for him to pull his weight. Rather than spoiled, I think he is intelligent.
Given the option between living with us and working a bit versus living with his mother who, although a PITA at times, requires nothing of him, he chooses option B. To do otherwise would be strange.
Ryan, two things.
One, yes the situation sucks. BTDT, got the ulcer (well, no I didn’t, but only because apparently there were no ulcer bugs in the vicinity). Things were so bad at one point that my mother was having concerned friends and acquaintances telling her to let go of my neck before she managed to strangle me. Both her and her mother combine your stepmom’s passive-agressiveness with your father’s “you’re doing this and that’s it” and with an ability to yield Guilt that would make a Jewish grandmother proud.
Two, the only way out is through the door. It’s not possible right now, but as soon as it becomes possible, get the hell out of Hades. Never move in with them again. Live on any other friend or relative’s sofa before you move back with these two.
Something about this thread struck a chord…and a short search later I came upon this
The OP talks about his brother taking him in because he became unemployed and then promptly proceeds to complain about his brother…make of that what you will.
'nuf said, really.