Well, I think I’ve done it. Coward that I am. I broke up with my gf of 18 months. She helped get me through what was the most difficult period of my adult life just by being there and for that I’ll never ever be able to repay her. But at the end of the day our priorities in life were just different enough that forever together was just not sustainable.
This is only the second time in my life that I’ve had to do the breaking up. The way I feel right now, I’d rather she had ended it with me instead.
Truthfully, I’m not really seeing the contempt-worthy content here. Unless you broke it off in an especially rude or arrogant manner (“Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpville. Population - - You.”), this is a sad matter, to be sure, but not a cowardly act.
More cowardly would have been to carry on, sharing less and less and filling your life with misgivings, watching as 18 months became counted in years. Although both your hearts may be breaking right now, you may have done her a favor.
Not knowing the full facts, of course, I am open to correction.
Contempt: Because I’ve almost certainly hurt her very deeply and because the timing of the break up seems to be coming at a point in time when I’m just getting my head above water. She stuck with me through a very dark time: Breakup of my marriage (no she was certainly not the cause or even in the picture!) and my extended term of unemployment. In the last couple of months things have turned around, I’m getting very close to finalizing the separation agreement and making the divorce final and I’ve landed a really good job with a very promissing future.
Coward: Because I think I’ve known for some time now that we were not heading for happy ever after. Still, I stayed with it hoping things might change or that I was wrong. I’ve written about some of the why’s in another post, unintentionally residing in the pit. (I’m hating life right now)
I second Daithi Lacha’s comments. Better to let her go than keep her hanging on under false pretenses. I wish some of my ex-boyfriends had been as brave.
Yeah, but it doesn’t feel very brave. She’s going to go on to make some jerk who doesn’t deserve her very happy. I’m really sorry that I can’t be that jerk.
Then put the past behind you, face the future as a new person, and work towards being a special jerk for someone who shares your aspirations.
I’m sorry, I guess I shouldn’t be so flippant, but I can think of a lot worse reasons to break off a relationship. Not having a forseeable future together is a major problem, but at least now, because of your actions, it won’t be your and her problem.
You’re both responsible for your own selves. If you don’t see the possibility of a future then I’m with Daithi Lacha. The world’s got a lot more people in it than your mind can comfortably comprehend, not all of 'em are jerks, and she’ll sort all that out.
There are all kinds of things that we do to and for each other just in the course of being alive. Repayment is not always possible. If she helped you out like you say, and she did so honestly and without regard for payback, then don’t sweat it–some people live to give. If she did expect payback, then she was taking advantage of you when you were down to try & lock you into a commitment to serve her own purposes. Who needs that? Love is an unlimited resource, unlike time.
The worst thing you can take from somebody is their time when you have no intention of putting it to good use. I wish my ex-wife could give me back the last 4 years that she took of my time in the course of realizing she didn’t like me anymore but just didn’t want to end it/try to fix it. I don’t begrudge her leaving, I begrudge her delaying it.
As a woman who spent probably a year hanging onto a dwindling relationship because my (ex-)boyfriend didn’t have the courage to break it off, I thank you for doing that in your relationship.
From your Pit thread, it didn’t sound like she was making you very happy.
Letting her move on to the jerk who doesn’t deserver her could be just the thing you need to move on to the girl you don’t deserve.
QuickSilver,
I’m going to agree with the consensus on this one. Maintaining a one-sided relationship only delays the inevitable and hurts you both. I’ve been on both sides of this situation and they both suck. Now she is free to find the right person, as are you. It’s for the best.
You may be beneath contempt, but you are also above reproach.
Oh, my God, do I ever know the “too considerate to break up with them” thing. I’m totally like that. I can’t stand to break up with someone if it’ll cause them pain.
Eventually, though, I have to stop beating around the bush and do it, because I realize it’ll happen one way or another, and I’ll actually make it worse if I don’t do it ASAP.
It’s natural and sympathetic but it’s a bad relationship move.
