:rolleyes:
I know one case when I used it to brag - and it was 5 years ago.
I was in the car with my boss, who was driving, being one of those alpha types with whom I’ll never argue over rental car keys. He was driving way too fast and brusque (115km/h in a 50km/h area); I asked him to please take it easy since “you can’t arrive early unless you do arrive.” He made some snarky remark along the lines of “bah, so what’s the worse that can happen, it’s not like I have more than 15 years left and you maybe 30”.
“If you mean to retirement, 30, but in my case I’m planning on living beyond retirement so it’s more like 70.”
“70? how the hell old are you?”
“35”
“Then you can’t have that long left!”
“Good genes, dude, not my fault if yours are worse.”
“Damn… my father and grandfathers all died before 70…”
shrug
Even before the conversation I was quite pissed at him, mind you.
Dad’s dad died at 65 of cancer, so did Dad, but there’s certain “markers” that indicate who in that side of the family is likely to do that - I don’t have them.
Dad’s mom, 86.
Their moms, both over 80.
The other oldsters are still living on their own at 93 and 92. Their respective moms both died over 90.
So I seem to have a high probability of having gotten a good number in the longevity lottery. In a conversation about long legs I wouldn’t be able to say I got good genes (since I’m very short legged) - in one about longevity I’m likely to beat most other people present.
Is there a sensitive response to this? “Oh, I really watch what I eat and exercise” implies that the overweight person is lazy and overconsumes (which may be the truth, but is certainly not sensitive - particularly since most of the overweight people I know have been dieting for much of their life). “Thank you” doesn’t answer the question. “I have a fast metabolism,” “I got lucky” “I have good genes” all parse the same.
“I dunno. I’ve just always been thin.”
Feigning ignorance - even if it’s obviously feigned - is usually the best way to get out of any embarrassing conversation.
As someone who inherited her mother’s metabolism*, this is pretty much it. I am thankful for my luck here, and I have to admit that I do feel a bit bad sometimes, because I know it’s a struggle for many people to even approximate the figure that I maintain effortlessly. But I also feel it’s not something I can take credit for–it’s purely something that I happened to be born with, not anything that I have put any concious thought or effort towards–so I say it’s just in my genes. Besides, those same genes sometimes make it a struggle to keep my weight up to something healthy.
Honestly, it never occurred to me that the line could come off as bragging. It’s simply the truth.
Nava, that’s another thing I hope I inherited from my mother. My grandfather is still doing pretty well at 96.
*my cousin could be the woman in the OP–two weeks after her second child she looked liked she’d never been pregnant. That whole side of the family is skinny.
False or actual modesty, I’m not buying it either way. Before genetics was understood, people used the concept of good breeding. From this we get the Hapsburg Lip, the Windsor’s bleary-eyedness, and a deep pity for the Spaniard, armed with only a feather duster, whose job at the Prado it is to face down the Goyas first thing each morning.
Sure there is.
“Well, I don’t really have a secret. I try to watch what I eat and go to the gym every so often, but that’s it.” Throw in a sympathetic shrug and there you have it.
People are smart enough to know that means much of my thinness comes naturally (but not all of it). I don’t have to spell it out any further for them. Same thing goes for my hair.
“How do you get your hair to look like that?”
“Well, I don’t do anything, really. It does this on its own.” Throw in a shrug with a appreciative smile if the question was asked in a flattering spirit.
I aim for value neutral statements when refering to myself, especially when receiving compliments. Am I really alone in doing this? I don’t see it this as false modesty at all, because I’m not lying about anything.
People have equated “I got my eyes from mother” with “I’ve got good genes”. They don’t parse the same to me. Imagine someone saying: “You have nice eyes.” There are two possible responses:
“Thanks! I inherited them from my mother.”
and
“Thanks! I’ve got great genes.”
The first statement is simply relaying facts: You got your eyes from your mother. Value neutral statement. There’s no bragging component in there, no matter how you slice it.
The second statement is not value neutral. You’re complimenting your own genes by calling them good. Not the worst crime in the world, certainly, but sounds kind of questionable on the etiquette front. To me at least.
Ah, yeah. You know I was just kidding, right?
I think it’s odd that you’re focusing so much on the word “good” being used to modify genes. Would it be acceptable if they just said “Thanks, it’s genetics” ? Also, you seem to think it’s fine if the compliment-receiver says “thanks” - but isn’t using the word “thanks” implying that the genetics is good?
Also, in the first quoted passage above, I’d say that the second example is potentially way more insulting. I don’t know how you can say that “I try my best not to be pig out and be a slob, but other than that not much. Fast metabolism, I guess” is more tactful. It is pretty much directly implying that other people (and possibly the person giving you the compliment) are “pigging out and being a slob”.
This reminds me of one of the other reasons I use the line–I don’t want to sound like I’m passing judgement on them, or implying that I’m somehow better than they are for being thin. I could make up some reason, but I don’t like the idea of lying, and by saying it’s genetics there’s no implication that the other person isn’t as thin as me because there’s something they’re doing wrong that I’m not. I just have a natural advantage to keeping my weight down, the same way some people are naturally good at sports, or math, or whatever.
Frankly, I’m not sure what else I could say without lying. I don’t watch what I eat generally (unless I’m trying to gain weight), I don’t work out, I just have the same fast metabolism as the other 30-odd people I’m related to on my mother’s side.
That doesn’t strike me as any more sensitive. I’d rather you shrug it off to good genes than imply I DON’T watch what I eat or go to the gym.
That’s the point. Calling your genes good is flattering to yourself.That’s where the perception of bragging comes in. “It’s my genetics” doesn’t sound bad at all.
No. When you say “thanks” you aren’t expressing agreement with the compliment; you are simply expressing gratitude towards the person for saying a nice thing to you. At least that’s not why I thank people when they compliment me.
I see what you mean. But my point is not to credit things that are in your control (or not). My point is that saying “I’ve good genes” does have self-flattering connotations. I kind of botched up my first example, you’re right.
I suddenly realized why “good genes” bothers me. It makes me think of breeding, like someone is saying that come from good stock. Kinda like, if someone says you’ve got pretty eyes and you say, “Well, I come from a well-bred pedigree. I better have pretty eyes!”
Also, by saying you’ve got “good genes”, you’re essentially saying all of your traits are good, not just the one that’s being complimented.
But I don’t think modesty is always required. Sometimes when people compliment me, I say (with a snap of my fingers and a swivel of my neck), “I do look good today, don’t I?” I could see myself saying “I’ve got good genes” in kind of the same facetious way.
I just feel like if you’re so sensitive, why ask someone how they have such a great figure.
“What lovely eyes you have!”
“All the better to see you with, my dear.”
That was going to be my point too - by saying thank you, you implicitly agree that the person was right in their compliment. And if the compliment is on a genetic trait, the giver is implying that their genes are in fact good enough to comment on - people don’t go around saying “I love your hair, it’s so ordinary!” after all. People who are expecting false modesty instead of some sort of polite acknowledgement that the receiver has been complimented on their genetics probably should skip giving compliments all together.
This is news to me. “Thank you” means to my ear and mouth, “I appreciate your kindness”. It doesn’t mean “why yes, I am beautiful/skinny/great in bed/amazingly talented, aren’t I?”
Just like when I drop a book on the floor and a nice guy scoops it up for me and I say thanks, I’m not saying “why yes, subservient one, pick up my book; and next time make it snappier.” I’m expressing gratitude and nothing more.
Why is it bad to agree with a compliment, though?
I mean, thinking you’re hot shit and god’s gift to everything is obnoxious, but why is it a sin to recognize that you’re pretty or smart or have great hair or eyes or boobs or teeth or whatever?
It seems to me a lot of times when people use it, it’s either something people are always commenting on or something people are always asking for their secret on. Maybe it’s just pre-empting the “how do you do it?” part.
… and anyway, it seems to me that when you compliment somebody, you don’t automatically make it their job to help you feel better about yourself. If you say I have pretty hair* and walk away still feeling like my hair is prettier than yours, that’s not my fault. I mean, yeah, it would make me an asshole if I outright insulted you, but my having gorgeous hair does not make me responsible for the confidence of every plain-haired girl I meet.
*this is only an example. I do not have actual delusions of hair grandeur.
[Mean Girls]“You’re really pretty.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“So you agree?”
“What?”
“You think you’re really pretty?”[/Mean Girls]
Girl world. Way too intense, even for this girl.