I'm fairly sure my best friend's wife is cheating on him. What to do?

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=astro]
So what happens if they work it out and/or she/her forgives him/her? At that point the cheater hates you, and may be actively antagonistic towards you socially via shunning or blackballing you if they have any power, and the cheatee is embarrassed by the fact they are still with the cheater. From many people’s perspective plausible deniability is better than being in the middle of your relationship scrum..
[/QUOTE]

Well if the cheatee has 3 firing braincells and a friend in the know, it is possible for him to conveniently happen to be in the right place at the right time. Friend calls because he sees car in question in the neighborhood. Oops forgot that paperwork for the Lewis job…guess I will have to run home and pick it up…hello :eek:

The name of the friend need not ever become an issue.

I found out about some similar activity with a g/f at the time. She did not know that one of her co-workers was an aquaintance I played D&D and or Battletech with occasionally. He was a goldmine of useful information and allowed me to find out where she really was on several occasions and conveniently “appear” to disrupt her plans.

Finally gave up on disrupting her and split up.

22

So basically the argument for not telling your friend your suspicions is that said friend may not like you afterwards, is that what this boils down to?

23

[QUOTE=BiblioCat]
I think this is the third or fourth time in recent weeks that we’ve had a thread about this subject, and in one of them I was the lone voice of “Tell him!”
[/QUOTE]

And I was a loud voice of “MYOB”, but this is a different situation. If this guy is really your best friend, then you have a loyalty to him that transcends the normal MYOB rules.

Tell him what you’ve been told, and only what you’ve been told. Tell him in the most neutral possible tone, don’t embellish, don’t rush to judgement, and don’t interfere any further.

See, this here is some bullshit. Your role here is to give your best friend the information he needs to decide what *he * wants to do. NOT to nuke his marriage from orbit.

24

A lot of people would want to know the spouse was cheating. I’m in that camp. A lot of people shoot the messenger. I’m not in that camp.

People have funny definitions of friendship. They seem to think that if you bum out a friend in some way, you’re not being a friend. I disagree wholeheartedly. It’s short-sighted IMO to think that friends always gladhand you, never ‘taint’ themselves with this stuff. Come to think of it, one of the best definitions of a friend I ever heard was, “A friend is a person who is there for you when he’d rather be anyplace else.”

You share the good; you share the bad. If your friends won’t tell you, who will? Ordinarily I’d say MYOB but if this is truly a best friend, I think it’s your obligation to tell. “Just the facts,” no conclusions or inferences.

There may be some awkwardness and misplaced resentment in the aftermath, and while that couple sieves through the shit, you may not hear from him for awhile. But with a little time it should resume being a friendship. If it doesn’t, how much of a friendship was it in the first place?

25

If it isn’t fact it’s rumour.

26

[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63]
A lot of people would want to know the spouse was cheating. I’m in that camp. A lot of people shoot the messenger. I’m not in that camp.

People have funny definitions of friendship. They seem to think that if you bum out a friend in some way, you’re not being a friend. I disagree wholeheartedly. It’s short-sighted IMO to think that friends always gladhand you, never ‘taint’ themselves with this stuff. Come to think of it, one of the best definitions of a friend I ever heard was, “A friend is a person who is there for you when he’d rather be anyplace else.”

You share the good; you share the bad. If your friends won’t tell you, who will? Ordinarily I’d say MYOB but if this is truly a best friend, I think it’s your obligation to tell. “Just the facts,” no conclusions or inferences.

There may be some awkwardness and misplaced resentment in the aftermath, and while that couple sieves through the shit, you may not hear from him for awhile. But with a little time it should resume being a friendship. If it doesn’t, how much of a friendship was it in the first place?
[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

I have a similar (smaller) problem. I work with a married couple. Friends with both (independently). I’ve probably known the husband longer than the wife, but I’ve known them both for donkey’s years (long before they married). Husband is a big , BIG gambler, and about six years or so ago, confided in me that he was $45 000 in debt due to slot machines, and had actually gotten compassionate exemption to dig into his superannuation to pay it off. Then he married, and his wife is very clean living and also reasonably well off. So his bacon was kinda saved financially. And I think he did quit gambling (at least for a time).

A fortnight ago, he rings me. I was at work, but it was his day off. He asked me “if there’s any chance of two or three hundred until payday.” I said no. Then I resolved I should tell his wife - both are friends and she has a right to know. Then I changed my mind - the male bonding thing and all that; maybe my first loyalty is to him. I still haven’t told her. But having read this thread, now I think I will. Faaarrk, I dunno.

I mean, I KNOW what the money is for, but hey, maybe it’s not.

27

Maybe the wife asked the friend (or whoever is driving the car) to park down the road so that the nosy neighbours wouldn’t get the wrong idea and start spreading rumours.

28

[QUOTE=ScareyFaerie]
Maybe the wife asked the friend (or whoever is driving the car) to park down the road so that the nosy neighbours wouldn’t get the wrong idea and start spreading rumours.
[/QUOTE]

And the “staying overnight” part?

@Loaded: That’s tough. Gambling is an addiction, like alcoholism. On one hand, she knows he’s had the problem and is probably vigilant. OTOH like you say, you don’t know for sure what the money’s for.

Given that he’s had the problem before, doesn’t it take a lot of people to pool information to keep him on the straight and narrow? But, knowing that you know his history, would he really come to you? It’s possible he came up short for an anniversary gift etc. but it’s possibly not.

As a friend to BOTH, I think you’d give her the facts. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe not, up to her to figure out. I wouldn’t be alarmist OR pooh pooh away the possibilities.

29

[QUOTE=ScareyFaerie]
Maybe the wife asked the friend (or whoever is driving the car) to park down the road so that the nosy neighbours wouldn’t get the wrong idea and start spreading rumours.
[/QUOTE]

Oooooh yeah. That’s another thing.

My best friend is a single woman (also a workmate). I’m a single guy. When I was married, she’d freely associate with me, but when I divorced, she backed off. Only then did the rumours start. I told her she was being daft, and to just bloody talk to me if she wanted as everyone knew we were friends, and the artificial distance looked bad. So she did, and the rumours evaporated overnight.

So that is a thing worth considering.

30

[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63]
@Loaded: That’s tough. Gambling is an addiction, like alcoholism. On one hand, she knows he’s had the problem and is probably vigilant. OTOH like you say, you don’t know for sure what the money’s for.

Given that he’s had the problem before, doesn’t it take a lot of people to pool information to keep him on the straight and narrow? But, knowing that you know his history, would he really come to you? It’s possible he came up short for an anniversary gift etc. but it’s possibly not.

As a friend to BOTH, I think you’d give her the facts. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe not, up to her to figure out. I wouldn’t be alarmist OR pooh pooh away the possibilities.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah. I think that’s what I’m going to do (unless I chicken out again in the morning).

BTW, when I mentioned the “male bonding” thing as a reason to give preference to him more than his wife, it’ not so much that I subscribe to that view, but that that was the spirit in which he made the phone call. He obviously trusts me not to tell her.

31

[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63]
And the “staying overnight” part?
[/QUOTE]

Maybe she doesn’t like to stay in the house alone at night.

32

[QUOTE=TheLoadedDog]
Yeah. I think that’s what I’m going to do (unless I chicken out again in the morning).

BTW, when I mentioned the “male bonding” thing as a reason to give preference to him more than his wife, it’ not so much that I subscribe to that view, but that that was the spirit in which he made the phone call. He obviously trusts me not to tell her.
[/QUOTE]

Gotcha. I tend to be a “low risk” kinda guy and in the situation you describe, I’d hate to think that three months from now he’ll be in all that debt again b/c I didn’t nip it in the bud. OTOH I like to think people can overcome their addictions and walk tall again. Tough decision…

33

[QUOTE=ScareyFaerie]
Maybe she doesn’t like to stay in the house alone at night.
[/QUOTE]

That’s what girlfriends and relatives are for.

It occurred to me that he might be gay and therefore no threat per se.

34

[QUOTE=lobotomyboy63]
That’s what girlfriends and relatives are for. It occurred to me that he might be gay and therefore no threat per se.
[/QUOTE]

Girlfriends aren’t much good if you’ve got burglars and they’re the kind of friends who’d panic and start screaming. There might not be any relatives close by. Gay friend is a good alternative!

35

Tell him. I’d try to get a photo but that shouldn’t slow things down. But just give the facts. As in “this is what has been observed” I’ll leave it with you and you can follow up or not however you see fit.

36

[QUOTE=Ruby]
You don’t “know” anything. You heard something from your sister about someone that you’re not sure is even who you think it is.

Unless you’ve personally witnessed this person in a compromising position, stay the hell out of it. You have no idea what kind of destruction you could do to your friend and his marriage if you were, Og forbid, wrong about what you think you “know”.
[/QUOTE]

What Ruby said.

37

I say tell him. I would want to know. If he’s staying overnight to protect her, there is no reason for the husband not to know, and no reason to park down the street.

You don’t need a photo. A confirmation of the license plate number is sufficient.

38

Snip…

[QUOTE=Shamozzle]
Unbeknownst to him, he happens to park right in front of my sister’s house.
[/QUOTE]

You sure he’s not boinking your sister?

yeah, yeah I know; I’m leaving. sorry I couldn’t resist.

39

Just for what it’s worth:

Not every married couple chooses to be sexually monogamous.

Not every married couple that is not sexually monogamous makes this known even to the best of friends.

You know way less than you think you know. If you must get involved, do so very carefully and stick to what you know. Others have said it, but it’s worth emphasizing. Don’t do any amateur sleuthing, don’t speculate, and after you’ve said what you need to say, drop it and don’t try to follow-up. If, after receiving the information, your friend wants to discuss it with you further, he’ll let you know.

40

[QUOTE=storyteller0910]
Just for what it’s worth:

Not every married couple chooses to be sexually monogamous.

Not every married couple that is not sexually monogamous makes this known even to the best of friends.

You know way less than you think you know. If you must get involved, do so very carefully and stick to what you know. Others have said it, but it’s worth emphasizing. Don’t do any amateur sleuthing, don’t speculate, and after you’ve said what you need to say, drop it and don’t try to follow-up. If, after receiving the information, your friend wants to discuss it with you further, he’ll let you know.
[/QUOTE]

This.

Give him the FACTS, as you know them (including quoting your sister if you haven’t actually seen the car yourself) and leave it at that- just “I thought you might want to know this” and not “so what’s up?” Don’t make any suggestions to him about how to “catch” his wife or any such dramatics.