Mosier, I had a BF who cheated on me for two years with his previous girlfriend. I had no idea, I thought they were still friends in the same way my exhusband and I were (and are) still friends.
Imagine my surprise when the ex GF told me . . . Your insinuation that we all somehow KNOW or pretend NOT to know is a bit presumptuous. I would never have expected him to cheat on me, and I certainly had a rude awakening when she told me.
Brilliantly put. This says it all.
Stay over at your sister’s, catch him going to his car in the morning. Ask him what he’s been up to. You should be able to gauge the situation by his reaction. Act slightly suspicious, maybe tell him you’ve seen him in the neighborhood quite a bit lately.
This should lead to an ‘I think Shamozzle knows about us’ conversation between him and her, and possibly a phone call from her to you or a confession from her to her husband. Or nothing. Ideally, though, I think you’re much safer having her confess than telling him yourself.
Or perhaps he’ll tell you a lie (e.g. he house sits for them). Which you can bring up casually to the husband.
phouka, very well put. This is a perfect story to illustrate why friends have an ethical duty to tell their friend if they know that harm is being done to them. If someone had told you, you could have gotten out of the relationship and avoided becoming infected with an STD. What kind of friend would “MYOB” and allow their friend to be subject to continued harm? That makes them directly complicit in the cheating.
I also agree with you. No need to make accusations, but it’s only fair to tell someone if you’ve seen evidence that a reasonable person would suspect cheating from.
As far as I know I’ve never been cheated on, but if I were, I’d be furious with anyone who knew about the cheating and decided not to tell me. I’d probably end up taking it out on those people even more than my cheating partner (since I’d probably still have some misguided love left over for that jerk in spite of the cheating).
I think I’ll let my friends know: “Hey, by the way, if I ever find out you know my boyfriend was cheating on me and don’t bother to tell me, be prepared for me to kick your [booty] up and down the street. Just FYI.” Maybe then they won’t try to pull this “oh I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be mad at me” song and dance. 
Exactly… I was cheated on too, over a long period of time by an ex-boyfriend, and I didn’t know until much later. And yes, the failure of our “friends” to tell me hurt a lot and was a huge betrayal.
So the general consensus is, you want to be told? I believe that is the best solution.
I have been told things about an SO that he was hiding from me (not cheating, other things.) I was not mad at the person who told me…I was mad at the SO.
If this guy is your best friend, tell him. If your position was reversed, and your lady was entertaining a friend at all hours while you were out of town, and your best friend knew…would you expect him to tell you?
Who said anything about trying to slip “parking arrangements” into a conversation? You’ve never asked a mutual friend about a buddy of yours? That kind of stuff is routine.
Example: My buddies and I noticed a friend of ours suddenly hanging out an awful lot at a particular pub, nowhere near his place. So even just to take the piss out of him we start needling him: “So… who is she? C’mon! You’re driving all the way to Ye Old Pub and hanging out there for hours? There’s gotta be a girl!” (He’d been trying to get the waitress to date him.)
So you don’t have to be a clod and ask about “parking arrangements”.
ETA: You don’t need to be a great actor either. You just ask a genuine question: “So what’s up with Buddy? Is he dating someone new? He’s parked in front of my sister’s all the time.” It still is actually possible that by hanging out with the OP’s friend he met someone around there.
The longer this thread goes on, the more convinced I am that there is a deep-seated desire to meddle in the affairs of others in the human psyche. Especially when there are folks who want to play private eye as part of meddling in something that is NYB…or who start coming up with ways to “tell” the husband without really telling him so that you can maintain plausible deniability that you were meddling.
If you feel like you really, really have to insert yourself into these other people’s marriage, then gird up your loins and start interfering openly. Don’t try to be cute about it. Walk right up to your buddy and say
“Hey pal! You know my sister, Gladys Kravitz, who lives right up the street from you? Well, she’s been seeing yer buddy, Schlongy McHorsecock’s, car parked on her street at night while you are away on business. I just had to tell you, man to man, that based on that evidence I think Schlongy is pouring the pork to your wife. Yeah, I’m her friend too, but that car just screams cock-monster nympho to me and I just HAD to tell you.”
If you’re correct, he’ll thank you, right? If you’re wrong, he’ll still be your friend (and she will too) because you had only their best interests at heart, right?
Stay out of their private lives.
He’s involved in their private life. He’s the best friend.
No one is suggesting that he be as crude as your scenario. But there’s nothing wrong with friends letting other friends know something is up that may hurt them.
What if you knew the guy your best friend’s wife was screwing had AIDS or some other communicable disease?
What if the wife is a recovering drug addict and the guy staying over is a known coke-head?
When does the best interest of a friend trump “Stay out of their private lives.” And how do you know this isn’t one of those times? Who makes that call?
None of that applies because he doesn’t know anything remotely like it. He heard from his sister, Mrs. Kravitz, about a car parked on the street and then he (or they) basically fabricated everything else from that.
He’s NOT a partner in their marriage.
Interfering in another’s marriage is okay when you’re cunning about it rather than when you’re crude? God save me from friends who think like that.
Are you quite sure that your friend is really out of town for “work”? And work alone?
Hopefully somewhere in between cunning and crude is an approach that’s appropriate. No need to sneak in the back door, and no need to bash down the front. Maybe something along the lines of “I know it’s none of my business, but as a friend I’m concerned about something.” Let him pace it from there.
Heck, phrase it even more diplomatically then that if you want to–"I was talking to my sister the other day, and she mentioned seeing a distinctive car parking in front of her house. I know it’s none of my business, but it made me curious . . . "
Especially since I would not be surprised if the answer is that the best friend is aware of and unbothered by the visits when the best friend is out of town. I’m not saying he is for sure, and I’m not even saying that it’s more likely than a scenario in which the wife is cheating with the visiting friend. But if there is cheating going on, it’s not being very well hidden, and especially with the closeness of the best friend bond, I’m not seeing any great harm in mentioning it to the friend–except of course for the danger that someone may wish to shoot the messenger.
I think this is a huge part of what’s going on here. I’ve also been cheated on, and afterwards had a couple of friends tell me they suspected something was going on, but didn’t want to hurt my feelings to bring it up.
Instead I wasted a bunch of time and sleepless nights worrying and suspecting. I would have much preferred one of these friends to just say, “hey, no disrespect to your girlfriend or anything, but I ran into her and this guy at a bar the other night and it looked like something weird was going on… Do you know the guy?”
A couple of my coworkers ran into her and him at a local place for lunch, and when they walked up to say hello to her, she got really strange and twitchy and immediately left the restaurant with the guy she was cheating with. No one told me about this incident until we’d already broken up due to the cheating. It would have made my life much easier if they’d have just spilled the beans… crude or cunning, however they’re more comfortable doing it. I certainly wouldn’t be offended by someone trying to be a good friend to me.
Tell your friend.
Scumpup, just curious, because we’ve heard from several Dopers who were cheated on and they wish they’d been told. I’m wondering about your perspective…did you tell a friend and it turned out badly?
He heard from Kravitz that a particular car, belonging to a family friend, was parked overnight 1/2 block from the house only on days that the husband was out of town. It’s a bit more than simply being parked on the street.
I am also noting with interest that everyone who’s said “I’ve been cheated on” seems to be on the “tell the guy” side of this issue.
I’ve been cheated on. With the exception of two or three people (ergo my “best friend exception” in this thread), I’d have preferred that everyone stay the hell out of my business.