I'm going to blow up the Moon. What are you doing this summer?

As many of you know, I have been dabbling in SuperVillainy for quite some time now. My CV is extensive and shocking, and my personal uh, proclivities have been called disturbing. Nonetheless.

This past weekend, my lawnmower was in desperate need of tuning and as is so often the case, the job quickly became a project, as I discovered a complete overhaul was required. As is also often the case, once I had everything put back together, I had spare parts. Lots of them. I also had an extra lawn mower out behind the shed and (by sheer coincidence) several thousand gallons of slush-hydrogen rocket propellent. You can all guess where this is going, right? Well, then, I won’t bore you with the technical details, but (after a couple phone calls and a bit of tinkering) come suppertime Sunday I stood at my Grill with a beer in my hand and gazed upon my newly-completed construction of a launch-capable warhead of sufficient tonnage and explosive power to vaporize the moon (and will do so at approximately 2:03 PM (Eastern) on June 11, 2006 to coincide with the Full Moon)*. I briefly considered executing my nefarious scheme to coincide with the New Moon, or on the Summer Solstice, and I even thought about doing it during the early evening on the 11th so as to make a more spectacular display. But, at the end of the day, I’m not in this for the flash or shock value. I’m just being true to myself and it’s nice to see how much you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. Speaking of which, I’m also going to try to finish some landscaping and renovate my downstairs bathroom this summer.

But this thread isn’t really about me. It’s about you, fellow Dopers. Do you have any plans for the summer?

*Dates and times from Farmers Almanac.

Go fishing, have some barbeques, and then thwart your attempt to blow up the moon by sneaking into your yard, and reprogramming your guidance system to aim the rocket directly at Keanu Reeves’ house. Yup, going to be a boring summer.

I hosted a couple barbeques last summer - good times. I was thinking in the back of my mind about doing a Memorial Day Weekend party, but by Jebus Memeorial Day Weekend is here (almost) and I still haven’t done the landscaping or bathroom projects. Time flies.

I might annihilate Venezuela, or take a few days off to put down some flooring. The wife is obsessed with reclaimed antique oak boards.

I’m thinking of visiting Montreal, learning to bake a chocolate cake, undermining the USA with radical notions of social equality and local self-reliance, finishing some drawings, looking for a wife, and maybe rearranging my apartment again. Oh yes, and saving money. Other than that, not much.

Well, crap. We’re having a Cleveland Dopefest on June 3rd, and the calculations that I made with my enormous evil-brain (when I sabatauged your lawn mower) were that you would launch launch one week earlier. We were planning to watch the moon blow up and say “Oooooh, Aaaaah”


Those can be notoriously difficult to fit into level flooring. You might just want to go with Venezuela.

You can’t annihilate the moon this July. I was planning on etching Carrot Top’s face into its surface with my new mining laser this August. Can’t you at least wait until next year sometime to let the widespread rioting a chance to spread?

When I undermine the USA, the rioting will happen almost on demand, as it were.

So… when did you have in mind?

I’ve been advocating for moonicide for some time now. I just never had enough spare lawn mower parts. Well. At least that free’s up my summer. Since the wife will be popping out baby #2 in August, I shall sleep from around 7:15ish in the evening on Memorial Day 'til about mid August.

Look folks, while I don’t mind thwarting **Winston’s ** rocket plan I do have a rather busy social calendar this summer and I can’t just be thwarting to and fro. I know this might sound rude, but can we maybe try moving some of this stuff until after Labor day?


I have been asked to address you on behalf of The Galactic Corps of Evil Beings with regard to your, admittedly nefarious, plot to annihilate The Moon. As you may or may not know, section 81, paragraph c.2 under the “Forbidden Evil Activities” clause of The Revised and Unabridged Edition of The Doctrine of Now And Forever specifically prohibits “…the destruction of any planet’s sole natural satellite without first having a fully operational and beinged space station of similar size and mass in its precise counterlocation in hyperspace, AND the capability and intent to emplace said space station in the exact orbit and position as the body to be obliterated.” Unless of course you have a permit countersigned by at least two members each of The Justice League and The Galactic Corps of Evil Beings. Adhesion to The Doctrine is guaranteed by a comprehensive blackmail program and yes, your file with The Corps is quite complete.

Now I don’t want to go into details and polish your name needlessly in the eyes of your evil peers, but there is that incident involving a certain lost stray kitten a bottle of cream and a flattened piece of ceramicware. Nor would I be inclined to comment, except under extreme duress, about another incident involving a burning buildng, at least nine geriatric humans, and a declined reward. And I’m sure you wouldn’t care for any details regarding any such events to become widely known.

So please, whether or not you have taken the time to register your activities with The Corps, do see to it that you follow procedure.

I’m going to really be concentrating on my whole win-the-Lotto-on-two-bucks-a-week project, so I can get that motorcycle and zombie research lab I’ve had my eye on.

Yeah, I could do Venezuela instead, or maybe persuade her to go with new ones - we can always stain them ‘old’.

And here I thought I was being ambitious, with my plan of remodeling the bathrooms and repainting the bedrooms before the end of July.

Guess I’ll try to fit in a cure for cancer and an end to world poverty, just to keep up with the Smiths.

Well, much as I would like to assist Winston’s moon-destruction project (that Henchperson’s organisation is still running, right?) I’m gonna celebrate getting into uni (crosses fingers) by backpacking around Europe with two friends. Go down through Paris, Spain, cross the Mediterranean coast, Italy, briefly hit the Balkans then up into Central Europe and finally Berlin on the day of the World Cup final. Hope England are playing…

Keeping up or after with Morrissey or even Johnny Marr is looked upon rather unfavorably these days I’m afraid. Please find a different group with witch to keep up. I hear Nitzer Ebb is pretty available these days.

I’m going to get discovered, appear in movies and cosmetic ads, become an It Girl, start a whilwind romance with a Hollywood playboy, get embroiled in a sex scandal with Adriana Lima, fake a tragic, untimely death, and hide out in a secluded mansion in Hawaii with my millions. And Adriana Lima.

Also, do something new with my hair and increase my tequila-shot record.

I know not of whom you speak. Are these relatives of Winston’s?

The Smiths and Nitzer Ebb