I did not ask. That tradition strikes me as kiss-ass at best and sexist at worst. It feels to me like it’s treating the woman as property.
How is asking for the parent’s blessing treating the woman like property? The groom is asking important people in his future bride’s life for their approval. He’s not required to abandon the idea if he doesn’t get it.
My wife asked me to ask her mother for permission. It was a ceremonial formality, since we’d already decided to get married and knew that her mom had been pushing for this since the day we started dating. Her (my wife’s) reason was that it was respectful to her mother and a way of showing that she’s a part of our new family.
I had been with my wife for 5 years and she was pregnant. Didn’t enter my mind to ask her dad.
Now I am a father of two little girls. I would appreciate it if their future boyfriends asked for my blessing. It will give me the oppurtunity to get a clear shot at the little bastard.
Because the practice dates to a time when fathers sold their daughters to the highest bidder:
Full of vexation come I, with complaint
Against my child, my daughter Hermia.
Stand forth, Demetrius. My noble lord,
This man hath my consent to marry her.
Stand forth, Lysander: and my gracious duke,
This man hath bewitch’d the bosom of my child;
Thou, thou, Lysander, thou hast given her rhymes,
And interchanged love-tokens with my child:
Thou hast by moonlight at her window sung,
With feigning voice verses of feigning love,
And stolen the impression of her fantasy
With bracelets of thy hair, rings, gawds, conceits,
Knacks, trifles, nosegays, sweetmeats, messengers
Of strong prevailment in unharden’d youth:
With cunning hast thou filch’d my daughter’s heart,
Turn’d her obedience, which is due to me,
To stubborn harshness: and, my gracious duke,
Be it so she; will not here before your grace
Consent to marry with Demetrius,
I beg the ancient privilege of Athens,
As she is mine, I may dispose of her:
Which shall be either to this gentleman
Or to her death, according to our law
Immediately provided in that case.
Because he is only asking the father and contemplated asking him before asking the daughter. If it were really just about approval he’d ask both parents after having asked the daughter. I don’t see anything wrong about asking your future spouse first and then together asking all parents’ blessings. That’s a nice way to bend an old tradition , still remaining the tradional decorum that such a big step seems to ask for, but altered towards something that may actually benefit family ties and relationships all round.
Instead, the mother’s role as important is totally ignored and the daughter herself gets a say after daddy’s pre-approved. That’s insulting to the daughter, airbrushing away the mother and in a way, it’s insulting to the father too. It’s like the father is a little kid whose feelings need to be appeased by an ancient little sucking up ritual that make him out to be the important parent. Mum (who especially in a traditional household has done the lion’s share of the parenting and tends to know the daughter best anyway) is either thought of as mature enough to not need this little ego boost or demoted/taken for granted to just having done the parenting work but not capable of having insight in typical male stuff such as relationships, or deemed authoritive enough to give blessings. Mum does the work, dad’s given the role of being in charge and important. If I were a guy, I’d be insulted to be thought of as needing such a ritual pacifier just to allow me to pretend to be consulted and important.
In my experience, guys who do feel that way( i.e. wanting to have the sole authoritive important parent role over the mother and wanting to be asked first before the daughter gets her say), tend to have this little my-daughter-as-property thing going on. Also, I would have serious doubts about any fiance who felt grown menchildren are entitled to this little sob. It wouldn’t bode well for the future at all.
I asked my wife’s Dad. I actually had to arrange via her step-mom to get her Dad alone. :-S
It didn’t occur to me that it is sexist in any way. I thought of it more as seeking his approval of me.
My sisters husband also asked my parents… my sister was there though. My Dad is such a goof… basically was like… “You’re adults… do whatever you want to do.”
To those who think that the man asking his future FIL to give permission/blessing is in no way sexist, doesn’t that imply that each of you also believe that the bride-to-be should ask the groom-to-be’s mother if she may marry her intended?
For example, did Tof’s bride checked with Tof’s mother to be sure she gave her permission for Tof to get married?
This. It doesn’t have to be an implicit suggestion that the daughter is undergoing some kind of property transfer. Rather, it can be a gesture demonstrating that you appreciate the seriousness of the proposal, and that you realize you’re joining a *family *(after all, family members consult one another about major decisions).
And Christmas dates to a time when humans celebrated the victory of a collection of Sun Gods over winter, but it’s still considered thoughtful to give gifts to loved ones. The significance of a tradition can change over time.
That said, I wouldn’t expect to be consulted if I were the father, and whether or not I asked before proposing would depend 100% on my read of my fiancé and her parents (rule of thumb: if the father votes Republican, all else being equal, you should ask for a blessing).
I think your decision, and this quote, raise another reason not to do bother asking for permission/a blessing: if you have no intention of abiding by the family’s feelings, there’s no point in pretending to solicit them. I know it’s traditional, it looks respectful, nice gesture, etc., and asking for a blessing isn’t necessarily the same as asking for permission, but it’s pretty much the same in the end. It’s an empty gesture.
If the answer doesn’t matter then why ask?
It’s sexist because it’s rooted in archaic assumptions that women are the property of their fathers until they are “given away” to some other owner in marriage.
This would only be valid if both sets of parents were consulted and if a negative answer would stop anything. You can’t say it’s about respecting the dad’s opinion if you’ve already decided his opinion is irrelevant (as the OP has stated is the case with him).
Asking advice is one thing, but if you don’t really care about the answer then it’s disingenuous to pretend that you do.
I have three daughters. I will interpret any requests from guys seeking my “blessing” to propose to them as kiss-ass and disrespectful to my daughters, and my answer will be no.
I wouldn’t have gone that far. My now son-in-law didn’t ask for my “blessing”, but if he had, I’d just have told him that he ought to ask my daughter, not me.
Funny you say that. Right after I posted, I was thinking that should probably be my answer rather than a “no.” Refusing permission would play into the sexism as much as granting it. Yes, telling him he’s asking the wrong person would be much more appropriate.
In Spain the traditional thing would be to ask me and then have an “engagement ceremony” where he and his parents would ask my parents for my hand and gifts would be exchanged. My parents did that when they got engaged; I’m currently wearing a gold bracelet made from Mom’s engagement necklace. Now this is only done in very-rarified circles (among other things, because it would sure look weird if a couple that’s been living together for three years went and suddenly asked their parents for permission to “straighten the paperwork”).
When my brother got married, both sets of parental units thought they shouldn’t marry yet: my Dad had cancer, but SiL and me were the only ones who saw the skeleton with the agricultural implement standing at his shoulder, he died 4 months after the wedding; her Dad was just a possessive, controlling [censored]. If they’d waited for their fathers’ approval, I wouldn’t have nephews yet (SiL’s Dad died last fall).
If a guy had asked my parents for permission to date or marry me, and specially if he did it before asking me, I would have kicked him so hard he’d land on Jupiter :mad: And if, by the time you know she’ll say yes, you don’t know whether her parents like you or not… it’s not relevant to find out, as they’re clearly not much part of your collective life.
Because the father might appreciate it, and because he might be disappointed (or even upset) if you don’t ask. Sure, it’s an archaic formality, but if it brings pleasure (or avoids discord) it can still be good.
Obviously that would be more logical, but that’s not really relevant. You ask if you think her parents would want you to ask (assuming the daughter wouldn’t mind, of course). The man’s parents almost certainly would not want to be asked: they’d just think it was weird, so there’s not benefit to it.
My wife’s biological father has been out of the picture since her early childhood, and they have no relationship whatsoever. If I’d wanted to ask his permission, I’d have had to run a skip-trace on him to track him down, and probably taken a process server with me to sue for two decades of child support arrearages. It would have been beyond ludicrous to ask his blessing. Instead, I asked the blessing of her mother and stepfather. They were touched, and my wife thought that was appropriate.
I think you’re the one still stuck in the patriarchal thinking, actually. A blessing isn’t permission, even if you want to conflate the two. Asking for a blessing is asking someone to tell you they think it’s a good idea. They can do it or not without it being a determining factor in anything at all. And if they have legitimate reason to not think it’s a good idea, I’d rather we have that out in the open and talk about it.
My mother in law did NOT give me her blessing at first, because she was very upset with our decision to not be married in the Church. After some talk about my faith and hers, we reached an understanding and an assurance that her grandchildren would know God, if not the same way she did, and, with her concerns heard and addressed, she did eventually give her blessing. And now she knows that when we have disagreements, she can talk to me about them as an adult, not as a usurper who stole her baby boy away. She also knows that she can’t bully me like she tries to with my sister-in-law. I want to hear her concerns, but that doesn’t constrain me to following her advice.
If I’m going to the store for a gallon of milk, I’ll ask anyone else in the house if there’s something else we need that I’m forgetting. That, to me, is far more like what I consider “asking for their blessing” than any of this patriarchal cow dowry crap.
I think this thread is an exercise in defining your terms. One man’s blessing is another man’s curse, indeed!
What if he’s like me and will be annoyed if you DO ask? And why ask if you don’t care what he thinks? Isn’t that just disingenuous and patronizing?
Why should the man’s parents think it’s any weirder than the woman’s? Doesn’t that prove my point that it’s sexist?
I guess it’s all about expectations. Some people interpret holding a door open for someone as a nice gesture, some people take it as a veiled insult, as if they’re incabable of opening a door for themselves. Just please make sure your daughters know to tell their future husbands to most definitely not to go ask dad for permission. 