I guess I’m just checking in, too. Olives, where are you? Did you have a good week? Did you go back? How did it go?
Olives, a question - why are you putting so much emphasis on “I want a job where I use Spanish”?
I wanted to have perfect English. Never will, but I know I can “pass” most of the time. Heck, I started saying I had native English when I realized that most natives didn’t understand my Jamaican landlady and I did.
But having perfect English has never been the focus of my career and its changes. I’m now at a point when I’m trying to turn translations into a profitable line of work, but I didn’t major in “Philology, Germanics” (the only English-related option when I started college), nor do I have a degree in “Translation Science” (gotta love all those newfangled specialties). I became a chemical engineer because it was one of the few degrees I could get my parents to pay for which didn’t give me an allergy, and among those it was the one that required me to be furthest from “home.” Then I became a researcher because it was the job I could get which used my degree. Later I became a lab tech, again because it was the degree-related job I could get. Now I work in a field where nobody gives an ass’ droppings about what my degree is, but where my experience in factories comes in handy and which makes use of my analytical and problem-solving skills (well, most of the time it does).
My English has been getting better with time because I’ve never stopped using it; the Dope is one of my “English language tools.” Another is Project Gutenberg’s Distributed Proofreaders. But while I’ve always had “better English” as a “life goal,” it was never my reason to choose a job over another.
What do you want to DO? Spanish is a tool; unless what you want to do is “translate,” saying “I want to have a job where I speak Spanish” sounds to me like… like saying “I want a job where I use Word.” You can use Word to write novels, to prepare ads for a pet store or to write horrid manuals full of unreadable tables. What do you want to DO?
If you say “help people” I’m throwing the pillow at you! Every job helps people… even insurance claims whateverthey’recalled!
One of the few good things about having a nervous breakdown is that you don’t have to ask if it’s your turn, and you don’t have to apply ahead of time for time off. In many cases, everyone but you knew it was coming, and that’s not so good. It would have been better to have a little warning. You know, some Doppler radar images? I hope you don’t think I’m being flippant. I’m looking in a rear-view mirror.
Woah, I’m sorry for abandoning this thread, I didn’t realize so much had been added to it. I was afraid to read the subsequent posts that might say, ‘‘OMG you’re nuts, just check yourself into the mental ward and get it over with.’’ 
I did work this week, and it was fine. I had anxiety about going back on the drive there, but once I was in it was no big deal. I have begun to pay very close attention to the parts of the job that stress me out. One major thing I have identified is the cumulative effect of the stress… one call rolling into the next, one day rolling into the next, one week, etc. In order to break this up, I have pretty much committed to actively concentrating on things other than work when I am not there. Additionally, I have forced myself to mentally ‘‘wipe the slate clean’’ every day, so that the next day I was not caught up in events that had happened the day before.
So now I listen to music I like on the way home, and I don’t think about work – I think about the music and how much I like it. Then I come home and think about how much I’m enjoying reading, or posting to The Dope, or whatever my activity of choice may be. It’s very simple, I am just trying to live in the moment. I have found that the time passes more slowly when I am not worrying, and I feel more rested overall.
The second thing is feeling responsible for the happiness of the person on the other end of the line. I have begun to actively think at the beginning of each call, ‘‘I am not responsible for your happiness and I don’t care if you are mad at me. It’s your problem, not mine.’’
Those things in and of themselves have helped a lot. My boss is also working with me on my schedule – I will hopefully have one day off during the week to schedule counseling appointments, and work Saturdays instead – which I don’t mind. Not only are the Saturday shifts short, but only one person is on the Spanish lines, so it’s Spanish all day long, great practice. I will also hopefully get a more regular 8-5pm shift, some predictability in my schedule from now on.
What it really has come down to, for me, is a change of attitude. I feel lot better and I am REALLY glad I went back to work. The job still can be stressful, but I have found some ways of coping with that. And I’ve taken to actively smiling when I answer the phone. It’s a ridiculous thought that forcing yourself to smile makes you feel better, but it really does. 
Now to answer some comments…
Yes, it is definitely a time of personal growth for me. As I said before, it’s typical for me to fall apart every year around this time, but this is the fastest I have ever been able to pull my shit together, and I have to view that as a very positive thing. Not only that, but learning to negotiate with my boss, and be honest about my needs–and be honest with myself about those needs… all very important things.
Yes, that is what I am saying. And yes, I can do this. I do suffer rather significantly from performance anxiety, and I am going to start working with a counselor soon who specializes in PTSD and performance anxiety. I have always been very uncomfortable with having flaws, being perceived as having flaws, and I tend to magnify the flaws I do have times 1,000 and believe everybody thinks there is something seriously wrong with me. I worry A LOT about what other people think of me, and that’s more stuff to work on. There’s never actually an end of things to work on… but at least this way I know I’m improving. There were days when I never would have had the courage to walk back through that door, so I will at least give myself that credit.
I appreciated all your thoughts about therapists. I don’t actually know my SMIL all that well, but she has been very helpful in challenging me to resolve my own problems by a willingness to be honest about what those problems are.
Yes. And you’ve always been so supportive, I know you know exactly what I’m talking about here. But you are right – it’s okay to be angry, but at some point the self-defeat has to stop, we have to pick ourselves up, congratulate ourselves for the progress we have made, and move along.
Because I LOVE Spanish. Nothing is more exhilarating and challenging to me than using this language. What do I want to do with my life? I want to use Spanish… and help people. 
duck and run
Seriously, though. I don’t know what I want to do. I thought I wanted to do social work, but now I want to learn about what other options I have, which is why I plan to take on that internship in Ecuador for public policy. If I don’t like that, maybe I’ll try something in community development. I am one of those people who gets excited about EVERYTHING as a potential career opportunity. I have a wide range of interests and love learning. You are talking to someone who can jump on a train and suddenly begin to fantasize about a long and exciting career as a train conductor.
Which by the way, is annoying as hell when you’re trying to figure out what you want to do with your life!
You’re probably already aware of this Nava, but your English is basically flawless. It will be a while before I can speak Spanish as well as you speak English. But that would be my ultimate goal. And then, to use that Spanish in a capacity that makes things better for people – that is all I’m really asking at this point.
Sorry honey, but I promised and therefore here it comes:
throws pillow at Olives
I realized I hadn’t phrased it so well but by then it was out of the edit window and I had to go make breakfast anyway…
I think you need to think a bit more in terms of tasks. OK, you want to help people. I help people by:
- listening to what they think their problem/need is,
- being good at taking wild guesses about what their problem/need really is,
- working with them to find solutions that work with the resources they have.
But I’m not in credit counseling, I’m in Process Consulting
A nurse or doctor does the same things, if you look at it closely… someone walks in saying “my kidneys are killing me” and a few questions and tests later the doc says “actually, it’s your ovaries” and prescribes some meds. But the details of how we all work are different. I hate, hate, hate the phone - I specially hate the phone with the heat of an exploding galaxy when
a) I’m nervous or tired (my aksent makes Pe sound like Shakespeare’s mom, then)
b) the other person has a different aksent
c) and grammar that makes me have to guess what he’s trying to say the whole time (English must and German mussen are - not - exactly - the - same. Promise. Let’s not delve into the intrincacies of Urdu or Chinese)
So please no call centers or talking to customers on the phone for me. IM is my friend, oh yeah.
What means of communication do you prefer? Written, face-to-face, phone? If you prepare a slide presentation and look at it again one year later, does it say what you meant (this would be an example of written one-way communication, while IM or email is two-ways)?
If you have a big spreadsheet full of data, what kind of highlighting works best for you?
- use of formatting, no color. If there is any color, it’s red (1)
- no coloring of letters, areas of background in soft pastels. Peach, salmon, apricot, if you let go it’s not so much a spreadsheet as an edible delicacy (2)
- letters and some background in bright colors… red headings and lemon backgrounds for the win! (3)
- everything in the brightest possible colors, different fonts, lots of bolded stuff and a chart on the side (4)
- uh, I have to read all that? Charts here, please. I’ll take one of those in 3D, eh? Blue tops and purple sides work, thanks. (5)
I’m definitely not a psychologist nor a human resources expert, but in my experience people with different mindsets prefer different “looks”. The following list is limited by not having run the experiment with everybody I know
1: accountants.
2: saleswomen, women with business training. That salesman who likes grey suits and pink shirts and who looks damn good in them and doesn’t treat women like we’re food.
3: you’re a guy, right? Or an engineer. Engineers are all guys, even those of us who are chicks. Folks who work with their hands (or who like to, even if we’re clumsy).
4: salesguys. Olives, if you picked this one you may want to tone down the bolding…
5: engineers and scientists turned managers.
Learning to leave work at work is a big step. And, hey, it’s part of Spanish culture, so of course I believe it’s a step in a good direction We don’t believe in either “work hard to party hard” (what’s work got to do with partying, unless you’re a clown or a DJ?) or “living to work”. Or at least we do our best not to.
PS: you realize I got my first English lesson, uhm… 30 years and 6 weeks ago, give or take a day?
Thanks for the update olivesmarch4th. I was fretting that Something Bad[sup]TM[/sup] had happened. I’m also glad that you chose to face your fear and return to work. It also says volumes about your character that you’re willing and walking that path of self-revelation. It’s gonna suck sometimes but the rewards are greater than the pain.
Wow, those both sound like excellent techniques. You’ve really done a great job in figuring out how to help yourself. I’m glad you’re still planning on counseling, to have support in working on things, but wow. I’m impressed.