I'm having a nervous breakdown today.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

And I can’t get a hold of anyone to help me think rationally right now.

For the last couple of weeks I have often felt that I would rather die than go to work again. But every day I’ve managed to get up and get through the day, only to come home and think I’d rather die than go to work again. Then on the weekends I’m usually so stressed that I’m too sick to do anything but lie on the couch.

A couple of times I would sort of start crying on my way to work, or sit in the parking lot seriously contemplating quitting my job. I don’t know why–there’s nothing objectively horrible about my job, I work with great people–it’s just stressful as shit. It’s not even a permanent job–something to make money and maybe practice Spanish until August when husband starts grad school.

It has gotten serious enough that my husband convinced me to go back to CBT therapy to try to deal with it. I agreed, and have been trying to get a hold of my former therapist all week. I finally grabbed her this morning, and she told me she can’t see me because her schedule is full, but I could see someone else at the center. That’s fine, it’s just–I have no time. Because I’m at work all the time – 9 hour shifts, 2 hour commute roundtrip, constantly changing schedule, it looks like I don’t have time for therapy right now. So what? Be miserable?

Anyways, on the way to work today, I started crying hysterically, out of nowhere. I know myself well enough to know when something is serious. The last time I felt like this, cried like this, I ended up in the psychiatric hospital.

I finally made it to work, sat in the parking lot and tried to get a hold of my spouse, my mother, my grandmother, my aunt in New York – anyone who could help me get my shit together. Nobody was home. I wasn’t sure whether I should just quit or request a couple of days off. I’ve only been there a month, so every day I miss, I’m losing money. Technically we can survive on my husband’s income, but clearly not ideal.

Anyways, I finally went in, but I was still crying, and I couldn’t fucking stop. I stood there staring at my cubicle for a few minutes, then looked for my boss, but couldn’t find him. So I found a co-worker who has some measure of authority, and I tried to be as put-together as possible, but I was a fucking mess. I ended up crying openly in her cubicle while she held me.

I just told her I was having a crisis… that was about all I could coherently say, and she sent me home, said to call later today and let the boss know whether I was coming in tomorrow. Told me to drive safe.

I took all my shit in case I never come back, loaded it into the car and drove home, still sobbing hysterically. I just couldn’t fucking stop. I still can’t get a hold of a single person I know.

I was going to call the U of M Hospital Emergency Psychiatric Hotline (made for these kind of crises, I’m told.) But I stopped crying. I’m tired. I would probably start crying again if I started talking to anyone, but nobody’s home but me and the cat.

I don’t know why my husband is unreachable, but I e-mailed him asking him to come home, because I feel this is an emergency situation. I want to hurt myself, I don’t see the point in living this existence, but I promised him in that e-mail that I would not hurt myself, and now I cannot break that promise. He’s been through way too much on account of me. I feel bad pulling him from work to help me try to work this out, but it beats pulling him out of work to come identify my body.

Edit: Well, he finally called, he is on his way home. Hopefully he will be able to help me think this through, I don’t know what the hell is going on, I really don’t. I have been stressed out and upset lately over my job, I have even been vaguely suicidal about my job, but I am having a complete nervous breakdown and I never saw it coming. I thought these days were behind me.

2

Nerves don’t break down, people do.

My advice, quit. If it’s seriously that stressful, you can find another job. I used to work for Gateway Computers at a country store and everyday towards the end of my career there, I would cry before going inside. I literally HATED that job. I was completely miserable. So I quit.

3

((((((hang on girl)))))

You don’t have to figure this out right now.

Your post actually makes plenty of sense – you hate what you’re doing and you don’t have another alternative. That’s not crazy.

Plus it’s the change of seasons, I swear, my old shrink told me his patient load skyrocketed every spring and fall.

Soak in the tub and sip some tea. You’ll come back to you. You’ve done all the smart stuff you can do and you’re still here. It’s OK.

4

If you still feel bad, there’s nothing wrong about calling that hotline. Or going into the hospital. Whatever. It doesn’t matter, don’t feel ashamed.

5

What is your job, olives?

6

But is it REALLY the job, or am I just a basket case? It’s not like I don’t have a long history of psychiatric illness behind me.

fessie, I work in a call center for a non-profit debt counseling agency. I take both Spanish and English calls from people overwhelmed by their financial situations, many going through bankruptcy. People are generally either sobbing or irate.

7

Someone I know has been seeing a therapist for years, and because of the distance to her office, sometimes they conduct their sessions entirely by phone. Would that be possible for you to arrange?

For right now, I recommend taking a long soak in a warm bubble bath to relax yourself.

Wishing you well.

8

Dear! Hon! That sounds like the WRONG job for a LOT of people, such as ME (and maybe YOU?). Certain personalities can let that kind of thing roll, but plenty of others can’t. You didn’t choose your temperament, it’s part of your package.

We were just talking about this on the mommy-boards, someone posted the Meyer-Briggs personality test. I’m an ENTP. Which explains why I love arguing on the Dope, but find motherhood overwhelming as shit! I’ve thought I was crazy/lazy/defective for how difficult being a SAHM is for me — yet for other women it’s a great gig, it’s a perfect fit.

You’re not crazy. You just need to find a work situation that fits your mind, personality and soul. Some people are better at looking out for themselves than others.

9

Hey, I gotta go get my kids from school - I want you to post back here and let me know you’re OK. OK?

Tell you something, I have family members who have been whackadoodle as all get out. Seriously mentally ill, multiple hospitalizations, ECT, whole 9 yards. They’re still good people who have a lot to contribute to society. AND they’re out there doing it. You’d be amazed at what people’s real histories are.

But that doesn’t mean they can do any old job, either; everybody has to find the right fit. You have a right to that, too.

10

I hope you can relax and work through your thoughts.

I know when my daughter started her first job, McDonalds, she hated it and ended up crying and sobbing one morning before she had to go to work. I could tell she was really stressed out about the lack of training and the poor relationship between the managers and his employees.

I told her to call in and quit and she did. It took such a weight off her. She now has a nice cashiers job at a farm market and she really likes it.

If you can live without your husbands pay at least for awhile I would quit and look for some thing maybe part time and that you enjoy.

I think your job would really stress me out for sure.

11

Well, could that be it? I get miserable when people around me are stressed out, I can’t imagine being exposed to a myriad stressed out, crying strangers every day.

IANAD, or even a people person, but is it possible all the “negative energy” is wearing you down, and came pouring out today?

Hang in there, you’re a valuable, wonderful person, and you deserve to be happy. Things will get better.

12

QUIT THE JOB!!!

Even working as a bagger at a grocery store would be less emotionally stressful than that, hon!

I truly think one of the contributing factors to my breaking down in my twenties was having a job that included taking calls from Medicare beneficiaries whose claims were being denied or who wanted to make complaints about their treatment. My god, it was soul-killing to listen to their problems day in and day out and for so many of them, there was absolutely nothing I could do to help them.

13

Wait a sec, people. This is a job olives was qualified for, she asked for advice about her interview from us, and she was so happy when she got the job.

First off, identify the problem. What, exactly, is making you stressed? Is it the amount of work? Is it that you are new and still getting your bearings? (I remember your other thread where you thought everybody was laughing at you behind your back) Is it because you identify too much with the clients and their problems?

Second, you must remember…this is temporary. It sounds like you need a bit of extra help right now, but you remember what it was like when you were on the other end of that phone? I bet you were crying and/or irate, but the person you called was able to help you, right? You weren’t mad at the debt counselor, you were mad at the situation. So if someone is mad/crying, it’s not your fault. You’re there to help.

I won’t tell you that deep breathing methods will make this go away. You are having a bit of a meltdown, but for Og’s sake, olives, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You may be too empathetic to take phone calls…maybe you can work there in another capacity.

Hang on, kiddo…

14

Exactly. You may just be a point when whatever the situation was, it would be too much. You’ve done the right thing in recognizing the issue and seeking help.

I know how scary it is to not get ahold of someone to talk to. I’m glad you reached your husband. I’m so sorry you’re in pain right now. It feels like a betrayal that you’ve been through this before and came out the other side; you should have been done paying these dues. But you can make it. Hang on.

15

I think you should seek some help. Go to the therapy and see a shrink. Whatever you are doing now isn’t working. Maybe this job is too stressful for you. I’m a pretty cheery person and I don’t think I would be able to deal with people in that situation day in and day out.

Can you find something less stressful?

16

olivesmarch4th, I’m pulling for you as well. You’ll get through this. Take tomorrow off as well if you can, then the weekend. Indulge in a few sanity-restoring activities, whatever those are for you. Bubble bath, shopping spree, killing spree, whatever. Get some perspective.

You might want to talk to your boss and get some feedback on what you should do. And talk to your peers.

And talk to us.

What is it about the job you hate so much? Is it the phonecall after phonecall of negativity? Is it that you don’t feel competent enough yet? Is it your cubicle neighbor’s pet tarantulas? If you can specifically identify what your stressor is, you can have a better handle on how to deal with it.

Take it one step further – is the stress a hurt or a loss? There are really only two kinds. Either something is hurting you, or you are losing something. Or one or the other is a threat.

You don’t want to go down the illness road again. I can’t say I blame you. But you’re getting subtle little WARNING SIGNS – be thankful for them. Heed them. They are there for a reason.

And {{{{hugs}}}}.

17

Yes, I wanted that job for at least a year or two before I actually was qualified enough to apply. And I was so nervous before I started that I didn’t get any sleep–my first day of training I was running on 7 hours of sleep total over the last 3 days.

When the anxiety did not decrease, my husband suggested that things would get better as I worked there longer. But each week, I find myself more stressed out than the week before. The job is not really what I thought it was going to be. Obviously not every caller is angry or hysterical, but there certainly is a constant influx of negative energy, and the calls just keep coming in… then, with the Spanish, it just adds another layer of stress when you’re trying to communicate to stressed-out people in a language that’s not native to you.

I know I take the job way too seriously, feel like every call must be perfect, but it’s a feeling I can’t shake. I don’t want to be a loser and give up without giving it a fair shake, but I’ve been there a month, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even enjoy my days off because I’m stressed about going back in.

Would I be stressed with any other kind of job? I had thought the answer was ‘‘yes,’’ but now am not so sure. That is what we are trying to figure out --what is the source of the anxiety? The job, or my overall perfectionistic/performance issues? What if it’s both?

Anyways, he’ll be here in 15 minutes, it will be okay. Og bless all of you for your thoughts.

18

Duplicate post.

19

After you talk to hubby, talk to your boss. Maybe he has some insight in how you can stop taking calls so personally or maybe move you to another part of the business.

You may be receiving “negative energy” but in your job you have the power to send out “positive energy” ie, helping people through their problems.

Good luck…this too shall pass.

20

You can have problems with perfectionism and still be better suited to some jobs than others – it’s not like the rest of the world is made up of perfect people who can do any/every job under the sun.

Everybody succeeds in some environments and fails in others. I can tell you this for a fact - I worked at 38 different jobs. Every office viewed me differently; I’ve been popular with my co-workers and heartily disliked; a super-productive multi-tasker and also slept at my desk; written proposals for multi-million dollar projects and given explicit instructions on how to file in alphabetical order.

It’s tricky, learning not to take the world’s view of you too seriously.

If it’s your desire to help people with financial problems, perhaps you could work in a less stressful environment that catches them before it’s gotten to a crisis. Say a consumer credit counseling service or something.

There are other options. Right now you can’t see them, but you will.