I'm having a nervous breakdown today.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Late comer to this thread, but:

{{{{{olivesmarch4th}}}}}

Good on you for quitting. I should have quit one of my previous jobs a long time before I did- hindsight is always 20/20…

Incidentally, if you get asked why you left that job in any future job hunts, you can just say “the commute was too long”. I’ve been reading job search books lately, and they all seem to say that’s an Acceptable Reason for leaving a job. You won’t ever have to explain any more about why you left, unless you want to.

And, for every one of those people, there is at least one who tried doing what they thought since high school (or earlier) that they wanted to do, didn’t like it as much as they thought they would, and found something else they liked better later in life.

Heck, the job I just started (Web server administrator) didn’t even exist when I was in high school (graduated 1993).

And you know what- even if you have to wait several years to go to Ecuador, Ecuador will still be there. You’ll still enjoy going there, even if you don’t do it when you originally planned to do, or if you don’t do the things you thought you might do there.

Sometimes you do the right thing and you still don’t get that, at least not until years later if at all. You only get that 100% of the time and right after making a decision in TV or the movies. I still wonder sometimes, coming up on 10 years after choosing an astronomy grad school, if I might not have been better off going to a different grad school and sticking with astronomy…

62

The internship I was interested in was public policy for a human rights organization. It would be full-time, volunteer, in research and administration. Will cost about $5,000 for the six months including living expenses, which I think is very reasonable.

I wanted to take it because my original thought was to go into clinical social work for graduate school, but I realized I might be able to use my Spanish in a number of other capacities if only I rooted around a little to find out what other options I have. Social work is all well and good, but I’m also fascinated by work that affects large numbers of people at one time.

So I figured, even if I find out I hate public policy, that internship would be a plus on any graduate school application – not to mention bring me closer to life’s impossible dream, total fluency in Spanish.

My nervous breakdown has appeared to continue. I just cried for about three hours straight. I do NOT cry over real things, so I find this very alarming. I miss my grandmother’s hot chocolate and warm couch when I was little, that sense of safety and protection you can’t have as an adult.

But my husband’s here. I guess we should have seen the warning signs sooner – my mental health started to deteriorate before the job even started, but we figured it was just inertia. Then when the anxiety came regarding the job, we figured it was just first-job jitters. Then everything just sort of went KABLOOIE and it was a complete and total shock and currently I have no mental health support system other than my husband (future clinical cognitive-behavioral psychologist, Og bless 'im.)

While it seems clear enough to me that this job is not right for me at this time, it also seems clear enough that I’ve still got work to do on my mental health. Someone is supposed to call me next week, in the meantime I feel overwhelmed and rudderless. When I start crying I can’t stop, and the emotional pain is overwhelming.

And it did just occur to me that it’s late October. October-November is almost always a terrible time for me. I legally emancipated October 17th and Thanksgiving Day 2001 was arguably the worst day of my entire life. That time I was in the hospital a few years later? Late October.

I resent the hell out of this thing that keeps coming back. No amount of honest, back-breaking effort on my part really seems to do much good. 6 years of therapy, for what? When does it end?

This too shall pass…

63

I knew people at my old company who went into collections. Even though they made less money and sometimes had worse hours in our job, several ended up coming back. The ones who made it had a certain detachment…their job was to make people pay their damn bills. I don’t think I could do it…I need a few happy calls.

64

Thanks for responding to my concerns about your visit to Ecuador. First, I am extremely jealous because I understand Ecuador is a wonderful country, at least according to my Ecuadorian ex-fiance. He loved his home country, but he came from a long line of patrons so was from a fairly well-off family. Last I heard, they were still negotiating with the Quichua–there was a land dispute of some type regarding their country home. I’m fairly sure the family home in Quito is still intact. If I had married Pablo, I may well have been to Ecuador myself by now.

Second, any idioms you may have picked up in Mexico will probably be worthless to you in South America. But when you are in Ecuador, you can tell them that you’d love to ‘throw the house through the window’ (similar to ‘paint the town red’).

Lastly, and to the point, I hope that your plan to go works out for you. If you go, please remember that leaving a situation–even one that costs you money and that you think will have a big impact on your future–is the right thing to do if it is a bad experience for you. Remember, the $5K this will cost being thrown away if you have to come home means nothing. The important thing is you and making sure your husband doesn’t lose you.

Man, I’m such a bummer. Must be because mr.stretch is going through a bad time right now and nothing I do seems to help him. I may be projecting and if that’s the case, please take it in the spirit intended.

65

No, it’s good advice. Right now the idea of going out and looking for another job seems positively overwhelming. I am making myself go to this Halloween party at my in-laws tonight, if only to remind myself that the world is not coming to an end. I feel alone, confused, and can only think about hopefully talking to a mental health professional to get this all sorted out. I am not out of control emotionally as much as I was yesterday, but I still feel overwhelmed and frightened and ashamed. I am loathe to admit it, but I am not able to function right now. Hopefully this is very temporary.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ecuador. I am trying to just get into a place of stability first. I was taking all this for granted and not paying attention and now everything is just kind of derailed. I believe it’s possible for me to get back on track, but I don’t know when or how. I am hoping whoever I speak to can offer me some guidance.

One way or another, I will get to South America. May have to postpone it, may have to wait 'til during or after graduate school, but I will get there. An attribute I have that I value highly is perseverance. It took 6 years for me to graduate college, but I managed. I might not get my Ph.D 'til I’m 35 but what the hell, life’s a journey not a destination.

I feel like going off on a spiritual journey or something. It’s been ages since I’ve meditated. I didn’t meditate for so long that I forgot how unimportant all these little details are. I feel a part of getting my peace of mind back may be remembering this.

Honestly this whole experience has been completely bizarre, I am still trying to make sense of it all.

66

Just a thought when I saw this. You might want to consider whether you might have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). It would seem to be about the right time of the year for it. There are all sorts of treatments that might help. On the other hand, if you’re fine the rest of the winter, this might not be applicable.

I’ve often noticed that when people are anxious/depressed that they only look for emotional/psychological reasons for what’s happening and sometimes it’s also physical/external. Just something you might want to consider.

67

I went to that Halloween party last night, had a blast.

Afterwards, talked to my step-mother in-law, who is a clinical psychologist.

She said I’m just running away from what scares me because I never learned how to confront my anxiety. She says I should go back to work Monday and find a therapist who will give me a kick in the ass instead of feeling sorry for me as all my previous therapists have done.

I think she may be right. Technically I still have my job – my boss told me to call if I changed my mind over the weekend.

I don’t want to go back to work, and I mean that in the most whiny, immature, entitled way possible. I don’t want to be uncomfortable again, I want to be safe at home in my bed. And despite the fact that perhaps billions of people get up every day and spend the vast majority of their lifetime working at some job, I am somehow terrified that it is going to destroy my life to do so, that it will rob me of every ounce of happiness I ever earned.

So you see, it might be a good idea to go back to work.

Because I looked around, and there aren’t other Spanish jobs around. And I want to go to Ecuador, which requires steady income. And I don’t want to live this way anymore, prisoner to my own anxiety. Somehow I figured out how to tolerate anxiety, but I still haven’t figured out how to eliminate it.

You guys must think I’m nuts. But I’m fun at parties, hey!

68

Huh. I’m just curious - have you had any other jobs? Have you been able to meet other commitments in your life? You said you have a degree (which is a big accomplishment) - did that require you to endure some stress?

Certainly she’s known you longer than we have and is privy to far more information than we’ve got, BUT mothers-in-law are notoriously HIGHLY biased when it comes to their daughters-in-law.

And that sounds like a harsh thing for her to say.

Her being a psychologist doesn’t really factor into it one way or another - plenty of them are batshit insane or thoroughly incompetent.

None of us here are saying “Poor Olives, you’re simply too sick to function in the world.” We’re saying “Finding the right place for yourself is tricky and sometimes very difficult. If that situation isn’t working for you, let it go. We think it sounds stressful, too. Keep trying to find the right one. You can succeed.”

69

I’d take your MIL’s advice with a big grain of salt. As fessie says, family has a way of not really being the most objective when it comes to giving advice.

See, my husband is bi-polar. It took a long time to figure this out, but after many an incorrect diagnosis, we’re finally on the right track. My father-in-law is a clinical psychologist. He still is in denial about mr.stretch’s bi-polar. Surely mr.stretch should be able to suck it up. Surely mr.stretch isn’t really this sick. Obviously mr.stretch is being coddled by both his psychiatrist and his psychologist. IMO, a lot of this is my FIL’s inability to cope with one of his kids being so fucked up; and his inability to admit that he missed how fucked up his kid was all these years. And some of it is his personal beliefs in the way mentally ill people should be treated. In any case, his advice is worthless when it comes to mr.stretch because he is not objective about it.

I’m not saying that your MIL is not right about you. Just that she is not necessarily objective.

Being just a poster on a message board, you should take my advice with huge grains of salt as well. If you want to go back to work and try changing schedules and everything, I support that.

However, my experience with dealing with difficult people, and that’s what you are doing at your job, is that it doesn’t get any better. The calls never magically become nice calls filled with happy people. You are never going to get good feedback from your clients, though you may get good feedback from your employer and that’s something. You will have shitty calls every day, and if that’s draining you now it will continue to do so. You have to have the right attitude to deal with people who have problems. If you are unable to be detached from your callers, you will continue to have problems at this job.

That said, if you can work out a schedule that is better for you, maybe work part-time or something, then giving it another try probably won’t kill you. :slight_smile:

70

You know, Olives, I’d tell the mother-in-law to stuff it. Has she ever worked a call-center job? Especially where every call has someone who is highly emotional on the other end? As several of us have said, it’s anxiety-producing in anyone! Add the two-hour commute, the changing schedule, and the fact that you don’t seem to be enjoying it at all, and I say Who needs that shit?

You’re not going to stay in bed–you’re going to go out there to look for a new job that is a better fit for you because it is not worth it to be a bawling wreck every day!

I’d love to know how to eliminate anxiety. I think that the best that any of us can do is learn to tolerate it. You still feel what you feel–you just have to determine your reaction to it. Looking for a new job is stressful, but that stress goes away once you find one and get settled in. How likely are the stressful situations in this job going to go away/get better? IMO, not very.

If you do decide that you are going back to your old job, I think you should still look for a new job. If things start really working out at your old job, then just stop looking. If you feel that you would be unable to look for a new job while working at the old one–well, you’ve already quit.

71

I agree with Tamex, it’s better to have options than to feel like you need to do this job because it’s the only option you have. So keep looking for jobs, even if you decide to continue this one.

If you decide to continue with this job, may I offer some advice? Find some way to detach yourself from your job at the end of the day. Do something in the car ride home to remove yourself from your obligations at work and put yourself back in your own body. There’s lots of things you could try: get audiotape books so that you have an interesting story to listen to after a stressful day, or make some CDs of driving music that you can really get into, or get some audiotapes to help you continue to learn Spanish, since that seems to be something that you really enjoy. I find my job to be very stressful, although for different reasons, and I have found that using my commute home, also about an hour long, to immerse myself in something that I enjoy, and something that is not directly work related, to be incredibly helpful to my spirit.

72

I do appreciate the advice, but I do think my SMIL nailed it. I did overly simplify what it is she actually recommended, but the truth is, she just gets me.

The point I guess, is I could post this situation on a message board in exactly the way that I want it to sound so that people will tell me what I want to hear. Not saying this is conscious, but it is a noted tendency of mine. I do the same things in conversations with family so that they will justify my own self-defeating decisions. Do you know how many people I called to convince it was okay for me to quit my job before I did it?

She just looked at me, and knew this is what I was trying to do with her. And she knows I’m miserable, and she doesn’t want me to suffer. So she said, ''Look, do you want to live this way the rest of your life? So why do you do this to yourself? Why are you your own worst enemy?"

I DO have a habit of running away. I left school for 2 years because I couldn’t deal with the anxiety of going to class. Eventually I came back and finished up, but it wasn’t easy, the first semester I was miserable as hell, running on willpower alone. Ultimately I avoided nothing – arguably I experienced more suffering after avoiding graduating for so long.

I’ve come a long way in that I’ve taught myself to do things regardless of my fears – like in Mexico, when I traveled alone out into the country having no idea really where I was going, and was pretty much pushed in front of a blackboard and told, ‘‘teach our entire community English.’’ And it was anxiety provoking as hell, but I did it.

But somewhere along the lines I began believing that was all I was able to do–just accept that I would always be afraid, and learn to act anyway. I’ve learned to act in spite of terror, but I haven’t learned to cope effectively with the terror, to reduce it, to set it aside, to eliminate it.

So it just built up and built up and built up and finally exploded.

All I know is I talked to my boss, I am going back to work Monday and for the first time in days I’m smiling and laughing. I can’t go back and go through the motions again – I actually have to change something, or I will end up in the same situation all over again.

It’s easy to say ‘‘the job’’ is stressing me out, but the real stress is in my brain, the negative thoughts I feed myself, the way I cannot acknowledge the positive. I am a freakin’ expert at putting myself down – how can I sit here and blame the job when every second I’m thinking, ‘‘God, I’m so terrible at this. I shouldn’t have said that. This person isn’t going to get help because of me. I could have done better and I didn’t. I have failed.’’

Once I can eliminate myself as a culprit, then we’ll sit down and really see what the job is. But right now I can’t see the job for what it is… only for what it represents… the potential for my failure, another reason for me to beat myself up.

SMIL is absolutely right… I don’t need a therapist who is going to sit down and say the emotional equivalent of, ‘‘Wow, you’ve been through so much! It’s a miracle that you’re not a crack whore! I’m so proud of you!’’ It doesn’t matter how much I’ve accomplished ‘‘objectively,’’ what matters is that constant anxiety continuously diminishes the quality of my life, and I continue to act as if that fact is beyond my control. I am enabling myself.

What I most needed is a swift kick in the ass, that’s what I received, and that’s why I feel good about going back to work tomorrow. This is about vastly more than the job itself. This is about my entire life, and you all might think I’m a fucking lunatic, but I’m glad this happened, every last bit of it.

73

Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re smiling again. :slight_smile:

I mentioned in another thread not too long ago that I’ve also had anxiety problems at work. Learning to face your demons is a big part of it, but you also need to make sure that the job is right for you. It seems like your boss is willing to offer a more flexible schedule, which is wonderful. But it appears (in my non-expert opinion) that some of your anxiety is related to fears about your job performance. Can you meet with your supervisor periodically to discuss any concerns you might have about the job? It probably won’t get rid of your anxiety completely, but it might help to get a fresh perspective about your performance.

Only you can decide whether this job is right for you. If you decide to stick it out awhile, that’s great. If it’s too overwhelming, it’s not the end of the world. You may just need to find something that’s a better fit.

Good luck tomorrow, olives. I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. :slight_smile:

74

I can see the point of the argument that reacting to anxiety by avoiding the anxiety-provoking situation doesn’t necessarily reduce the fear - sometimes it just feeds it.

Everybody, EVERYBODY, tells their story in a way that tries to evoke the response they desire. You haven’t cornered the market on that. Not by a long shot.

Perhaps this work situation will be an opportunity for you to experience some growth. It seems like you’ve already made some progress by negotiating with your boss, stating your needs, asking for feedback re: your performance. All of those are excellent steps.

This job may not be a perfect “fit” for you, even with the changes you’ll be making, but that’s immaterial since it’s not your objective to stay there long-term. You can still learn a great deal from it.

For one thing, look at all the people you’re helping who’ve f’d up big time. Their financial lives are, objectively speaking, a mess. Talk about a justification for being self-critical! Don’t you wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning?

Yet they’re still here, functioning as best they can; they’re still worthy and good human beings trying to live their lives with dignity.

I know your job is to educate them, but maybe they have something to teach you, too, about forgiveness.

75

Hi olives. <waves> I just found this thread. Wow. What a ride you’ve been on…

I am not a therapist, just an anonymous internet (ab)user and want to commend you on your candor in describing your thoughts and feelings. There seems to be an inordinate number of Dopers who are a little off center, welcome to the fold. :wink:

I just wanted to pipe up with a suggestion from my therapist several years ago … group therapy. Her reasoning was that in group, you are not as likely to get as coddled as you are in one-on-one therapy. Other patients in group are ready to call “bullshit” when they hear it. The thought of going to group therapy scared me shitless so I ran the other way but I can see where there may be benefit in it.

Are you saying that the job anxiety is a repeat of the college anxiety? If so, you are most certainly doomed to repeat the anxiety cycle if you don’t change the behaviors. You know how awful it was to return to school … but you did it. You were strong then, and you’re strong now. You can do this.

You’re also not confined to your workplace. You can leave any time you want. Go. Listen to an audiobook on your morning commute to focus yourself on something other than work. Tell yourself you’ll stay for an hour. See how it works. If you’re still feeling OK after an hour, stay another hour. If things start to go bad, tell yourself you’ll stay for another 20 minutes and if you still feel like you have to go, then go.

You’re not being judged by your success/failure here. You’ve already proven you’re a success by your boss’s response. If the job isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you. No harm, no foul.

I also have to add that it’s rarely just one aspect of your life that sends you out of tilt. Mine was a husband in Afghanistan for 18 months and a boss that didn’t give a shit that my life was suddenly turned upside down. A few days in the hospital and a med change and life was better again.

You can quit the job, but you can’t quit you. You have to fix you and you’re now on the right path to do just that.

Lastly, I also have to add my $.02 on therapists. Most will admit that the reason they got into the therapy business in the first place was because they were just as fucked up as we are. I’m not as cynical as some of my fellow Dopers who believe that your SMIL may be biased in her view of your situation. The fact that you think she nailed it is what’s most important. She knows you. She knows your situation. What she said may not be unbiased, but your gut feels she was right. I’ve found that my gut feeling is rarely wrong.

Good luck to you.

76

It sucks, doesn’t it??? It’s OK to say it SUCKS, and sucks hard. We’re never cured, are we. But you’re not quite the same person you were last time; you’ve learned some things about yourself. And you are taking the steps you need to to get better. But it’s OK to be pissed that you weren’t made as well-adjusted as others. Although who those others are, I’m not sure. :slight_smile:

Good luck with trying the job again.

77

olivesmarch4th? How was your Monday (and Tuesday)?

78

Wow, what a rollercoaster! How are you doing?

79

A little late for the armchair therapy…
You might have built up in your head *Expectations of The Perfect Job * for you and here you have it and there is no way in heck that any job can stand up to the daydreams of someone shooting for a goal.
It’s like a vacation brochure: you look at the midlevel price of a hotel in Cancun and say, " Gee, it’s 3 out of five stars for $1000, airfare included for a week. That’s probably like a Holiday Inn or something…"

And so you book your trip and then wait the weeks and weeks and weeks dreaming about your 3 star Like a Holiday Inn hotel and hope and hope that the money that you saved and scrimped for are worth the $1000 ( because you sacrificed Starbucks and eating out for months for this trip) and get down there and find out the hotel is more like a Motel 6. Clean, sparse and the basics, but It’s Not What You Expected. and a part of your vacation just started swirling in the toilet to never be retrieved. There is nothing wrong with this hotel. It is just a three star rating based on the *Mexican Tourist Instustry * for 3 star ratings, not American Hotel Ratings. See?

Just like when you were dreaming of your First Big Job outta College Complete with sparkly fairy dust, rainbows and a choir singing. and how it was going to Change Everything and You Were Going To Make Things Happen toss beret into air and Happy STUFF Like That There. Tra la la la. We’ve all had rose colored glasses on like that.

It is clean you put alot of yourself into the job, and that’s ok…too a point. You are taking things too personally and trying to make everything for every call ALL Better. You can’t make everyone’s problems all better. You can only give them directions, point them that way and then let go. In a couple of years you’ll be properly calloused up and wonder what all the fuss was about.
[Personal Hijack to Show You I’ve Walked This Path]

My twenties weren’t so good. Answering the phone became a real phobia for me and this was before Voice Mail we wore onions on our belts as it was the fashion., so call backs were HELL. Walking blindly into a mindfeild and gunfire. Did I mention I worked in a complaint department for a tour company, hence the Hotel Expectation Comparison above. Now I could do what made me tense up back then without batting an eye. Because it isn’t my fault that You ( not you-you. *the * ARSEHOLEs I dealt with on the phone 20x a day.) are a FUCK UP that has no business leaving your house, much less visiting a foreign country!!!11111!!!elvnty1!! OMFG THEY SPEAK MEXICAN dow there!!! WHO KNEW!!! dumbasses. Micro Rant…whew!
[/hijack]
Relax. Take a deep breath.
Keep us updated.

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How is your weekend going?