In my experience with relationships (marriage and children were not involved), once you get to the point where there’s nothing about your partner that you find attractive, there’s no amount of forcing will fix that. Are you at the point where you hate little things about her that shouldn’t bother you? Like the way she chews her food or the way she laughs?
Even so, time apart can help. That’s why there’s separation before divorce. I hated my ex after the breakup and the feeling was mutual, but it was because we were bitter. We went through six months of not even speaking before we ran into each other at a party. Now we are hanging out on occasion, kind of dating again. Maybe even falling in love again. It can happen, but if you’re involved with someone else it won’t.
I’d suggest talking with your wife and proposing a separation. But you also need to separate from the woman you’re seeing. You say you never knew what it was like to be single, take this opportunity to actually be single. Don’t date anyone. I promise that living on your own will make you miss things about your wife that you take for granted. She’ll have the same type of experience.
But don’t just keep this affair going for as long as you can, that’s not fair to you, your wife, or the other woman. Does she plan on leaving her husband? If she absolutely will not then what’s the point of continuing? You two can never have a life of your own.
I think you need to remove all romance from your life (not just the one with your wife) and take time to reflect on this. There are deeper issues here, and you’re probably completely ignoring your part in the downfall of the relationship. Take time to figure yourself out and let some of the bitterness fade before just hopping on the first train out of town.
I’m sorry, but this is a load. Fucking other women when you’re married is a weakness, there’s nothing courageous about that.
At this point, your advice might be valid for his wife. She married someone who turned out to be very different than she thought. She thought she was getting a life partner, but she actually got a guy who fucks other women while she’s watching their 3-year-old.
My intent was not to defend the affair. But, in the OP there was some reference to thinking this relationship was not right from the beginning and thinking it was already too late.
If this couple is truly incompatible, then the affair might be a symptom of that. Of course, that does not excuse it.
You had doubts in the beginning? Did the doubts ever completely go away? Married young is not much of an excuse, not being honest from the get go of your relationship is.
After all these years you want to start being honest? Then honestly go get a divorce, she deserves better.
This board is great for many things, but serious marriage advice is better served by marriage forums. There are many great marriage boards on the net. Seek them out and get their advice. They have been through it all and will be able to give you much more relevant advice. There you’ll find lots of people who worked it out, lots of people who split up, and lots of people who kept it secret.
One thing you need to realize that you’re not entitled to have an affair regardless of how the marriage is going. Having an affair because you’re not happy is like robbing a bank because you’re poor. Either stop having the affair or get your wife’s permission. It is never okay to have an affair and there is no justification for it.
Since you have kids, I would strongly urge you to think of them first. Fighting, affairs, and divorce can have a crushing emotional impact on them. You think you have it rough. Ha! Handle this situation wrong and your kids will be skipping school, having sex, and doing drugs by the time they’re in 6th grade. Maybe that means you work it out, or maybe you get divorced, but make sure you minimize the impact to their lives. You’re the one screwing up. Don’t screw up their lives in the process.
It’s very easy to be passionate and in love when there are no responsibilities to go along with it. Divorce your wife and marry your lover and once you have to deal with realities of mortgage payments, lack of money, bratty kids, dirty dishes and piles of laundry, passion and romance can go right out the window and you are right back in the same situation you are in now.
Being in love and being in lust are not the same thing. Adults should know the difference.
You should end one relationship before you start the next. Ideally, you should take a break between relationships to work on yourself, figure out what you want and get rid of your baggage before jumping into the next relationship.
In the event you both leave your spouses, get divorced and want to spend your lives together, do you really want to marry a woman who cheats on her husband? Oh sure, right now it’s all hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, but the truth is both of you are cheaters and if you think knowing that won’t affect any future you may be planning together you are deceiving yourselves.
I know women who dated married men and were so happy to finally get him and marry him. Not one of them is happy, not one of them trusts her husband. It will always be in the back of your mind that she cheated on him, it will always be in the back of her mind that you cheated on your ex.
When is the last time your wife has seen a doctor, has she ever been evaluated for depression?
Have you tried counseling?
Have you introduced her to your kids yet? How do you think she’s going to handle the role of “other woman who broke up the family?” Go do that and then come back and tell us all about your “soulmate connection”.
If you do get counseling, you need to end the affair first. Don’t go into it half-assed.
But I’m not seeing anything indicating you’re ready to end the affair. You’ve already checked out of the marriage emotionally and physically; you’d probably be doing your wife a huge favor by filing for divorce.
Living with divorced parents can be tough, but living with miserable parents who are only together for the sake of the kids (while one of them is fucking someone else) can be a whole lot worse.
I’ve been on both sides of this one, so no moral superiority from me. I just want to say that although you may be having fun right now, that will run out quick. Before long, you’ll have your hands full just lying and remembering previous lies. Also, you will get caught. Your risk is doubled because she’s married too. One of your spouses is going to catch on. Think about it, because that day is going to be a really bad one, followed by lots of others.
Also, people that find out about this will consider you a shitheel “forevermore”, to quote someone upthread.
My advice: just stop before it’s too late. Then figure out what next.
Unlike many posters here, I am of the opinion that divorce is not the End of the World, nor an Unpardonable Sin, does not mean you are morally corrupt, and does not mean your kids are going to end up as junkie hookers by Grade 6.
You’re unhappy in your marriage. You’ve tried many times to change the things that make your marriage less than satisfactory. Sure, you could try counselling, but if your OP is even half true, then it sounds like your wife has essentially given up on the marriage already.
And yes, it might mean a big financial hit (what age ranges are the kids?) but at the end of the day, it’s your LIFE here at stake. Are you prepared to sit this out for five, ten, thirty years for the sake of a ‘marriage’? For fuck’s sake, get out while you’re both still young enough to get some enjoyment out of life.
I don’t think the affair is something you should place much store in btw. Like others have said, three months is a helluva short time: get out and meet new people, all sorts of people, have flings, fall in love, get burned, all the things that make up a full and fulfilled life.
Remain a good daddy for your kids, treat your wife with respect during the difficult months ahead, and go live life. You only get one shot at it.
*
For full disclosure, I’m female, have never had an affair but my ex husband was a chronic philanderer and I understand now why he did what he did. *
Another vote for counseling. Good for you for talking to her with your concerns, but having them validated by a neutral third party might help. And you might hear stuff you have been shutting out also.
I also agree about stopping the affair now. If this woman really cares about you, she will still do it in a few months. Otherwise she is not getting divorced for.
Even if you wind up getting divorced, you will have given it your best shot, and that will help.
People will say you’re a bad person, you’re weak you’re wrong. But FWIW I don’t feel that way. I read your post and I shed a few tears when I read you had kids, it’s just a subject I’m sensitive about. Things that remind me too much of the past make me feel that way. You can try to be a good person, you can end the affair do the noble thing and whatnot. You can go through the motions, but maybe that’s not right for your family. It reminds me of my parents, their relationship, they had personality differences - and all they did was fight every single night, I never saw them affectionate towards each other. I don’t think it was a good thing for me, I did not really develop empathy or emotions in a way that people from better kinds of backgrounds do being exposed to that kind of constant anger and tension. They tried their best, they are good people, but For lots of reasons there is no doubt in my mind that if they had done what was emotionally right for themselves than the “noble” thing of staying together for the kids it would have been better for everyone.
No direct experience, so I will speak statistically.
If you divorce your current wife and marry your girlfriend, the chances are significantly higher that you will subsequently also divorce her.
If you do not divorce your current wife, and instead stick together and work on your problems, you will be happier in five years than if you get divorced.
If you stick together and do not divorce, and work on your problems, your children will be likely to be better off as measured in a wide variety of ways.
And also -
This is right on the money.
Or better still, go to a counselor.
Good luck to you. One way or another, you are going to need it.
I am ok with admitting my faults and copping to my bad decisions.
But I am also going to defend myself and try to give a picture of the reality that I’m dealing with.
I have been extremely supportive of my wife throughout our marriage with respect to her self worth, self image, and attractiveness. I NEVER told her she was fat, ugly, etc. I NEVER demeaned her.
When I have had serious conversations with her it’s always been about improving our relationship, never in a mean-spirited way.
I can’t control how I feel, and I can’t MAKE myself feel a certain way. I can only attempt to change the situation so that I feel differently.
I agree that the affair is a distraction. Your task now is to decide whether or not to stay in your marriage, and the affair is clouding your judgment. Maybe this other person is indeed the one for you, but at this point you are only in the infatuation stage. You’re on your best behavior for each other all the time, and you’re surfing the appeal of the forbidden; you just can’t know if there’s anything real there. And it sounds from your first post like you may have acted impulsively in jumping into marriage; don’t make the same mistake again.
I join in recommending counseling for two reasons: It can help you (and your wife, if she’ll join in) identify any good aspects of each other that can draw you back together, and it can suggest strategies for reconnecting and finding common ground. Also, it models thoughtful dispute resolution for your kids, and lets them know that you cared enough about your relationship with their mother to try.
I don’t think this perspective is helpful to you, because you have no idea how you and your wife will change between now and that far in the future. If you had sat down to imagine your lives in 2014 at the time you got married, I doubt this is what you would have come up with, and your perspective now about 2034 is likely to be just as inaccurate.
Go to counselling, either to save your marriage or at least get each other working toward at least a partially amiable break-up.
If you get divorced and you and the other woman stya together, be prepared to be potentially potrayed as evil, and your ex-wife and kids will hate both you and the other woman. Her kids will hate you.
I think most folks here are willing to accept that you haven’t been abusive or overly demeaning to her. But you’re not an unbiased observer, and you aren’t seeing things through her eyes. That’s why an unbiased counselor is critical to giving you some understanding on how you two are relating. Your wife is probably in the same boat, with unrealistic impressions of how you two are relating to each other.
I’m not expecting anything. If she wanted to quit her job right now I would support her decision and she knows that. She works part-time at home, there is no commute, and her job is as flexible as she wants to make it.
I understand it’s our house, and that’s why I do all the things I do at home. I fix and maintain everything, do the lawn, trash, do the dishes almost every night, cook meals when I’m home early enough, help with laundry, vacuuming, and whatever else. I have always told her that I’m not concerned with housework from her, it will get done when it gets done. Our house has pretty much been a disaster since we had kids, and I’m fine with it. I’ve told her many times that I’d rather her get time with the kids or relaxation time rather than stressing over some dust bunnies.
When you get to the point where there is (effectively even if not overt) mutual contempt for each other it’s pretty much over. People follow their tendencies and she does not have any tendency to want to be in shape or be socially interactive.
Counseling is not going to help. These types of people are very stubborn and will not change regardless of your entreaties. Asking her to do this or to be more affectionate is like banging your head against the wall. Nothing is going to change.
The bottom line is you need to leave. The price for leaving is that you can be with someone who makes you happy, but be crystal clear that
1: At least 1/3 or more of your income will be going to CS and possibly even temporary spousal support. You will need to have a more economical lifestyle.
2: She will have primary (even if shared) custody so you will see your kids much less often. Despite whatever push you make to stay connected it’s not the same as being at home.
3: She will probably try in various way to turn the kids against you.
4: Don’t count on your current lady love to support you over the long haul in this, she has her own life to live. This needs to be YOUR decision and you need to own the responsibilities and consequences. If you after divorce fantasy life is wedded to her sticking around you need to consider what it will be like without her and you all on your own.
5: You really need to break off the affair if you start divorce proceedings and keep your mouth firmly shut while it happens. Yapping about it will cause a huge shitstorm where you are portrayed as the bad guy with everyone in your social circle. If you feel the need or compulsion to confess this affair it will make everything (emotionally) 10X worse. You will be a ****ing idiot if you start blabbing. It will help no one.