I'm lonely

Being’s that this is MPSIMS, I want to say to the community that I am lonely and it’s driving me crazy. Sometimes I feel that my skin is peeling off (TMI)

Last year, my recent marriage of seven years fell apart due to wife’s infidelity online. I said it before, and I’ll say it agian:

The Internet: You will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainany.

Cue one year later. I find myself missing being a husband and a part of a greater whole. I miss wearing the ring on my finger and being proud of being a husband to (what I thought) was the woman I was to spend the rest of my life with.

Even my small, modest house seems bigger (and so much more quieter) nowadays.

How is it that women can so easily disregard a long-term relationship (not to mention the vows that they took) and just cast aside so much that was built together? Do marriage vows mean so little nowadays? What happened to “death do you part”?

With that said, what is the point of marriage, when it can so easily be cast aside?

I was the proverbial Good Husband™. There literally wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t make a conscious effort to be such. Maybe I tried too hard…

Please forgive my pathetic ramblings. I’m just so confused and hurt right now. Even after One Full Year. After this, I don’t think that I’ll ever be to the point of trusting another woman enough to give her my heart.

Which, unfortunately, gives into the male stereotype that “men are unwilling to commit”. I’ve had three potentials so far in the past year, and all of them brought up marriage in the first few days of conversation (I haven’t even met them yet, and they’re bringing up marriage conversations, for crying out loud)

What are your opinions? Am I pathetic? Do I need to just check out of the dating scene and be a father to my daughter until she’s 18 or do I need to address my needs and find someone else (temporary or otherwise?)

Or so I need to take my time and heal and let Come What May?

No, you don’t need to be dating. You need to look for a friend. Join some clubs, go to things that interest you, do some charity work-- find someone who fits your interests and make friends with them.

The worst mistake any lonely person can do is look for *love. *You end up desperate and settling for a cheap subsitute in these kinds of situations. What you need to look for is friends of both sexes. Should you find a girl who likes you, enoy having her as a friend and go out that way. Go play and have fun. Enjoy one another’s company, and don’t go into it with expectations or hopes of something better. If love grows out of it, that’s wonderful, but don’t go around looking for romance. If no love ever grows, you still have a wonderful friend (who may have a cute sister.)

The best relationships are where the parties involved are best friends. Lots of people love their spouse or lover, but they don’t particularly like them. All they really have in common is their passion. When that inevitably fades, they’re unhappy and feel that something is missing. It is-- friendship. Friendship will get you through life’s storms and crisises. It’s quiet and dependable, one of the strongest bonds known to man.

First off, I’m sorry that your wife cheated on you and it ended your relationship. That said, I’m sure that you know that using what one woman did and applying it to all women is inaccurate and not likely to help you any. My husband and I met at an online dating site - the internet is not 100% pure evil, in spite of what your wife did with it.

Second, it sounds like you are still hurting quite badly. What do you really have to offer another potential mate at this point? Are you healed enough to have a healthy relationship now? It doesn’t sound like it.

Third, I agree with Lissa - the best thing for you to do right now is get out and do things with people with similar interests - join clubs, take classes, spend time with friends and family, and put finding another relationship on the back-burner. You don’t want to be alone, you didn’t plan it this way, it isn’t fair that your wife betrayed you, but what is, is, and the best you can do is accept what is and find a way to make it work for you.

I feel bad for you, man. You sound depressed. Something bothers me, though…

You say you are lonely
You say you miss being a husband
You say you miss being part of a greater whole
You say you miss wearing a ring on your finger


You do not say you miss your wife

Don’t tell me, “of course I miss my wife…that’s implied”. No, it’s not implied. If you missed her, you would have mentioned her first. Your statements indicate to me that you were more dedicated to your marriage than your wife. There’s a difference.

Also: online fidelity: what’s that entail? Did she meet men in person for romance/sex, or did she spend a little time in chatrooms typing furiously with one hand? There’s a big difference. You may not agree, but she obviously got something in these connections, and that should have tipped you off to needs she wasn’t getting that a) you couldn’t provide (no offense, this is not your fault, but everyone is entitled to a fantasy life sometimes) b) refused to provide (maybe that is your fault), or c) had no clue about because she thought you’d freak if she told you (her fault, but maybe you weren’t the easiest person to confront with such things).

You sound like a guy who over-invested in marriage, but under-invested in actual happiness. I dunno how to change that, I don’t know you. But good luck to you.

I agree with the above advice. I think trying to date when you’re in this emotional state will just add to the loneliness, frustration, and bitterness. Try to focus on getting active with friends, being a good dad to your daughter, and maybe getting into some new hobbies while you let your heart heal.
It is completely understandable that you’re afraid to trust again after having been betrayed so terribly by someone you had known and loved for such a long time. Considering how long you were together, a year really isn’t that long to be completely recovered from such a heartbreak.

Have you ever had an interest in joining a local church or Lodge? Now might be a good time to do it.

No, no offence taken by your post. You’re absolutely right. I loved (past tense) my wife with all my heart for seven years, however, her online activities pretty much ended any feelings I had for her.

The discovery of her betrayal ended any feelings I had for her. Period. Deal Breaker in the Extreme.

As your statements regarding that she went online to get something she wasn’t getting at home are valid for an outsider to say, I said in my OP that there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t make my best attempt at being a good husband to this woman. Did I say that maybe I tried too hard?

My current partner took 5 years to really get over his marriage break up. He said he had to really work on himself and start to enjoy his own company, something which he had never done before. He met many women and messed around with them, but never wanted to settle down again until now.
I was out there dating after only 5 months after my separation, thinking I was ready. Boy was I wrong! Still, I found that going out with guys helped me to get over the marriage break up. When I met current SO, he thought that I was quite a sad person, but I had never seen it until now. I’m glad he never took off for the hills and stuck around despite my emotional state.
You are right - I think my age group (I’m 39) leave when the going gets tough and aren’t prepared to work on a relationship. Everyone seems addicted to romantic love and finding soul mates whom I think don’t really exist.
I found my dog to be such a comfort - she forced me to exercise and keep to a schedule and was my company. I also took up yoga - sometimes ended up crying during the relaxation section!
You will get over this.
You will be happy again.
You will find someone else if you are motivated to.

Regardless of what she got out of it, she betrayed her marriage. “Cheating” doesn’t have to involve sex. It’s almost worse when there’s an emotional involvement rather than just a physical relationship.

Secondly, if she had needs and kept them from him, that was a betrayal. I fully expect my husband to be open and honest in our relationship. If there’s something I’m not providing that he needs, his duty is to tell me about it, not seek out other people to fulfill it. If she couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to him about it, there were huge fundamental flaws in the marriage which would take trememdous effort on the part of both to heal. It doesn’t sound like she was interested in doing so.

Lastly, don’t make the poor guy feel worse than he already does by hinting he might have overreacted.

Forgot to ask if your wife knew what your deal breakers were?
You need to communicate them, otherwise the other person may have no idea how serious a transgression is for you.

Church, no. I joined a local church support goup for divecees, and it was an exercise in futility. This group was more about converting new Xtians than it was going through the healing process of a split up.

What about just chatting with people online - on the nz dating websites there are heaps of people who just want to chat, and not dirty chat either.

Oh, if only you lived here, I have a freind that is so lonly and tried of Bad Husbands. She would be such a good and faithful wife!

I am sorry you are lonely and can’t see why anyone throws away any relationship so easily.

Thank you. This is the definition of the marriage… Of any defininciencies that I felt ithe marriage I bought up in a caring and communicative manner and tried to work out differences in a civilized, honest comunication.

Uh, deal breakers? Where do I start? This was a committed relationship, was it not?

Dealbreakers: Cyber sex with teenagers (I’m 38, she 32)? Relationship role-playing with strangers? Were Does one draw the line when the (jilted) SO has no clue what’s going on?

Perhaps a support group for divorcees that’s not affiliated with a church? It might help you in the healing, and you may make some new friends in the process.

Indeed. And good luck.

Along with not looking for love or trying to date to be in a relationship I think it’s important for you to learn how to enjoy some time alone. Take a class, get a new hobby. (Look in the phone book for a stained glass studio, they have classes and it’s something anyone can do alone at home or at the studio with others.)

Take up some form of exhausting physical exercise like running or bicycling. Getting physically tired will help you sleep and feel more calm in general.

Once you are happy in your life alone you will be ready to date if you still want to.

I agree with the person above me.
Your situation wasn’t optimal, and it was hell and nobody should have to go through that crap.

Find a group of people that are like minded?
Teach yourself a new thing?
Start a fitness regimen?

Feel free to vent away when you feel the need.

I’m wondering about the histroy. Did she run off with somebody online or was she having cyber sex or something? What happened?

Oh, wait… I just read your last post. Well that sucks, but maybe you are holding too much against her and losing sight. There are many types of betrayal.