When I was a little kid, probably kindergarten age and under, I was prone to histrionics. Whenever I was throwing a fit, my mom would jokingly call me Sarah Bernhardt. That just made me more angry at the time, because I felt like she wasn’t taking me seriously, and I would get very upset and tell her not to call me that.
Fast forward to about twelve, thirteen years later. We are discussing this, with the general tone being ‘oh, those silly things I did when I was a little girl’. She explains that she never realized how much it bothered me and she apologizes. Here’s the thing: I’m now in college. I have a great relationship with my mom. I don’t hold her any ill will over the nickname. I think it’s silly and maybe a little funny. I am so over it I couldn’t possibly explain to you. While the apology was nice, it didn’t create a major change in our relationship or, I don’t know, finally allow me to forgive her after so many years. This whole issue just wasn’t a big deal.
We parent by what we call “the best odds” principle. No parent is ever perfect, and shouldn’t kill themselves to be. We ask ourselves “how can I give my kids the best odds of growing up healthly, productive and happy.” Kids can grow up healthy on a diet of junk food. But it’s better odds they’ll grow up healthy eating good food and learning to make healthy choices. Kids are resilient to all sorts of troubles. Kids can grow up in truly abusive homes and come out ok. But it’s better odds my kids will grow up resilient, well adjusted and able to lead happy lives if raise them with kindness and thought to their feelings.
Etc.
I told my son the other day, after I really lost it on him- went really too far- that “my parents would rage at me all the time and it really hurt. He didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. But unlike my parents- I apologize. I’m doing better than they did and he’ll be a better parent than me.”
So I guess my point is- will your kids come away unscathed? If you’re an otherwise loving parent, probably. But what parenting choices can we make to give the kids the best odds of that happening?
No, you do not stop. You pause, and then the next day you do it again. Imagine the kid’s frustration when you continue to do something he’s repeatedly asked you to stop. What kind of a tone does he have to use to get you to listen to him? You admit you’re the only one who thinks it’s funny. Can you not just stop it?
How about trying an experiment? Stop teasing him and if in a week or two he comes back and asks why you don’t do it anymore and that he misses it, THEN you can go back to your old teasing ways. If he does not miss it, then you get the message that he really didn’t like it, right?
Not doing something we have to apologize for is even better.
My late husband would yell at the kids for little or nothing – sometimes in a rage, sometimes just yelling. He couldn’t understand why it upset them. “I’m not hitting them! My dad beat me with a belt – they have it lots better than I did!”
So yeah, my husband would rather have been yelled at than beaten, but it would have been better if neither had happened. Just because we’re better parents than our parents doesn’t mean we’re off the hook.
Not doing something we have to apologize for is even better.
[QUOTE]
I was illustrating a point of a time I did something that was inappropriate and how I handled it.
I rarely rage or use mean, hurtful words at my kids. I have worked extremely hard to deal with this consequence of my upbringing and have it pretty well handled. Of course it is better to never fail, but as parents we do (like tease too far and upset our kids), but then we shoud recognize their feelings, not dismiss the impact, apologize and try to do better.
Whatever your husband did wrong doesn’t apply to me.
I realize that. I quoted you to make a point that I probably should have made without using your example. It came off as criticizing you, and that’s not what I meant to do.
Quit teasing the kid—his older siblings are supposed to do that!
Seriously, it’s probably worse because he’s the youngest. If you’re teasing him, he probably feels like everybody’s ganging up on him and he’s the low man on the totem pole.
There’s room for debate on how big a deal this is, but you really ought to cut it out.
Right, it MIGHT be just fine. Tease the hell out of him, maybe it won’t affect him at all! what the fuck? It’ll be an interesting experiment. You’ll know you were wrong when he hates you! :rolleyes:
Look, parents inevitably, unintentionally give their kids plenty of “issues” they have to deal with later. Why add intentional ones? A sense of bruised confidence from early teasing–a sense that in all the world, your parents should be a refuge from that kind of thing, unless they’re not, which can be a lasting lesson that’s hard to unlearn–can take a hell of a lot more energy for a kid to recover from than it does for a parent just to knock it off.
If your own sense of what’s funny to you, Foie, is more important to you than that your kid might be losing a sense of emotional safety from his dad, then have at him. Enjoy yourself.
Yes, life has bullies. He’ll have to learn to deal with them. Let him learn what’s unpleasant in life from strangers, from people who are not his parents, fer chrissakes.
I don’t want to join in calling you a bad parent or anything, but I think you might be a bit misguided - small children don’t understand teasing or sarcasm like older ones. It’s good for your kids to develop a sense of humour and not take themselves too seriously, but, like just about everything else, it has to be age appropriate.
Well, the thread seems to have moved beyond that. I agree that repeatedly calling a kid “creep-o” when he hates it can be damaging, but it’s been my impression that we’ve moved into the realm of teasing in general.
I will try legalsnugs experiment. I will cease to call him pet names that he sometimes says he doesn’t like. If he acts like he wants me to do it again or asks me why I stopped “playing our game”, then I can resume. I used to do this with my oldest son too.
Its really more like a variation of the “what is your name?” game when they are little, which is how we play it. I’ll say “what is your name?”, he’ll say “Jacob!”. I’ll say “not Gary?” he’ll say “no!” and I’ll say “not booger?” and he’ll say “no, Jacob!” and usually I’ll conclude “Oh, you’re Jacob! Nice to meet you!”
Or variations thereof. But, due to the overwhelmingly negative reaction I’ve been reading here, I’ll quit it entirely for awhile and see if he notices or cares.
It really doesn’t seem like a big deal, but maybe some of your concerns have merit.
I’m reading The Lonely Polygamist by Brady Udall. One of the points of view is Rusty, 11 years old, one of 28 children, with four mothers, and a mostly absent dad. I’d recommend the book for any parent who wants a reminder of what it’s like to be a kid, how the most innocuous things assume incredible importance to them. What goes on in Rusty’s head is amazing, and it’s amazing that Udall remembers.
Like all decent parents my dad used to smack (in American parlance beat) me occasionally if I did something wrong - I have no problem with that - but one day he hit me too hard by accident.
And then shortly afterwards he apologised, having realised what he’d done. That apology stuck with me. I loved my dad. I was old enough to understand it was a mistake. Similar age to your kids.
Maybe you should apologise. Don’t leave it late. Maybe even do it again and get them annoyed, then apologise. Perhaps that’s manipulative, I dunno, but you should manipulate kids. Manipulate them into loving people. Manipulate them into good citizens. Manipulate them into free thinkers.
