I dunno about that, Blalron. My boyfriend’s a pretty nice guy, and he’s definitely got the girl…
I agree with others in this thread who distinguish between “nice guy” and “doormat of humanity”. Being a nice guy doesn’t always mean the non-confrontational “Ok honey, whatever you want”. Occasionally, it means “Honey, what you just did was really fucking stupid”. Or, as the case may be, “Dear ex-girlfriend, what you just said concerning other peoples’ relationships is without doubt the most idiotic thing I have ever heard coming out of your mouth. Get a grip on yourself.”
Nope. My boyfriend is a nice guy. Sweet, wonderful…nice guy. And I wouldn’t change a thing about him; I love him just the way he is.
Maybe I and my female friends who are also dating/engaged to/married to nice guys are all just exceptions to the rule.
And a thirty seconds’ long icy silence can be a damned good comeback if it’s accompanied with the right kind of “You must be fuckin’ kidding me” sort of glare.
My ex starts talking about that couple’s infidelity, and she says, “Yeah, it’s pretty awful. No one deserves to be lied to like that.”
How did she say that? Maybe she was saying that she was an asshole for doing that to you. It would all be in the way she said it. Perhaps that was her apology. Or perhaps not.
I see both sides here. (Not that i’m running for office or anything. :D)
Fact of the matter is, extraordinarily hot guys never brag/whine about how “nice” they are. They don’t have to. They have a built-in market. Ditto with incredibly hot girls.
So the Nice Guys are usually those who aren’t instantly marketable. They’re the Ordinary Guy, with an Ordinary Paycheck, Ordinary Car, Ordinary Job, etc., etc.
And yet the Ordinary Guys never go for the Ordinary Girls. They gravitate, like moths, towards the hottest/sexiest/most unattainable girls they know. And then, when these girls treat them like brothers/doormats/shoulders to cry on/built-in Mover Of Heavy Objects/Fixer of Cars, etc., etc…these Nice Ordinary Guys think that they’re “waiting in the wings” for this girl to get over her Mr. Buff/Mr Badboy boyfriend and realize what a gem Mr. Nice Guy really is.
This rarely works, though, and usually it ends up breaking Mr. Nice Guy’s heart. Did Mr. Nice Guy deserve this? Probably not. Does Mr. Nice Guy have a recurring problem with chasing after all the wrong kinds of girls? Most likely.
The thing is, there are all kinds of nice guys and nice girls out there. But a lot of them aren’t wrapped in shiny blonde/buff packages. The trick here is, when you’re evaluating what a Nice Ordinary Guy you are, you have to remember that maybe there’s a Nice Ordinary Gal out there that you’ve never looked twice at.
[HIJACK]
So, Audrey, do you do house calls? I have a guy friend I’d love to hear that little speech. I’m so tired of him seeing a possible relationship with every SuperBabe if only she weren’t so shallow and could get past his looks.
[/HIJACK]
And, jkat, yikes. It’s one thing to point out the OP’s seeming lack of confidence and self assurance, but your ideas on relationships in general are skewed.
Um, actually, all those choices seem like choices every human being gets to make, not just manly men.
In my opinion, by not reacting or not saying anything, you did the right thing… and here’s why…
In regards to your ex-girlfriend? Well… I think I’m safe in saying that THAT train has already left the station my friend. Indeed, a wise man once observed that “In life, we choose our happinesses, but we ALSO choose our sadnesses too” and I have to ask you honestly, why would you even be subjecting yourself to conversing with your ex-girlfriend? Honestly?
It’s one thing to bump into your ex-girlfriend say, maybe 5 years after the fact - under those circumstances, rather innocuous no doubt. But so soon after the hurt you went through? Nope… at the risk of being judgemental, that’s a conscious decision on your part to invite sadness into your life - but in your defense - you also chose NOT to exacerbate said sadness when your ex-girlfriend made her exceedingly foolish remark…
Nope my friend… such meetings are unwise… and it’s not a question of being a nice guy finishing last victim. That too, is a philosophy which is unwise.
There are only 3 rules in life…
(1) There’s always a victim…
(2) Don’t be one…
(3) And the third rule? I can’t remember because nothing is important after Rule 2.
I’m engaged to a former sufferer of Nice Guy Syndrome. Believe me, it can be overcome. Just be confident; that’s how he got me :). And, FTR, he’s still a nice guy. I still cry to him, and we cuddle…but we also have a relationship where I reciprocate and we do fun things together (like watching movies, and having sex) and we do nice things for each other and occasionally get snippy and then have sappy make-ups and hang out with our friends and provide mutual support. Nice guys (and Nice Guys) can make it.
Your actions in this situation were not those of a nice guy–they were beyond that. They were classy. I’m sure that, when you were going out, you hashed out all this stuff. You didn’t bring it up again–you refrained from beating the dead horse. For that, you deserve accolades. You’re a better person than I am.
Also, you need better taste in women. That’s one thing I’ve noticed about you Nice Guys; your taste in women sucks. But, frankly, your ex-girlfriend was probably not as classy as you, and apparently has little tact and little respect for other people (or, at least, for you). You can do better.
And, BTW, Audrey, I love your post. Would you be upset if I used it on a friend of mine? I would cite you if you wanted…
Another vote supporting the wisdom of Audrey’s post.
Also, some guys whine about how they are mistreated or ignored by the Vain Shallow Supermodel Bitch, while they overlook many Perfectly Nice Girls But Not Supermodels. Perhaps because they think the Perfectly Nice Girl But Not Supermodel is “not good enough” for them, or something. To the guys who act that way: No Sympathy.
Also, as I mentioned on another “nice guy” thread just the other day—one of my old friends, (he was in his 80s when he passed away) often repeated this nugget of wisdom: “He’d eat a mile of her shit to get a piece of her ass.”
Listen to Audrey. That was extremely good advice on a MandaJo-type level. Also, this Breakup Girl comic has excellent info on how to be nice and get the girl.
[hijack] Moi, I will check my appointment book. (They don’t call bartenders the Poor Man’s Shrink for nothing. Does this mean I’m cheap?)
Angel of the Lord, feel free to quote me. With or without credit. If it prevents me from hearing about one more Whiny Nice Guy chasing after the Bitchy Barbie Doll, I couldn’t be happier.
And as for you, Juniper, I’m flattered but confused. Who is MandaJo?
And finally, to Yosemite Babe, I’m shamelessly going to pirate the pithy wisdom of your friend. I LOVE IT.
There’s hope for “nice guys” out there. Sometimes, they DO end up getting the “nice girl”. Honest. It usually happens when neither of them are looking.
Hang in there.
Glad you didn’t choke her. (Not that she didn’t deserve a looooong… painful… icy… pause… and then a few strong words…)
I think the long, icy pause was entirely appropriate. Nothing like leaving stark stupidity just hanging in the wind like that. No way for her to cover, come back with a smart ass comment, or get on the defensive. Just…dead…silence. I like your style.
And really, nice guys do get girls. But not while they’re hanging out with their exes.
Hang in there, hon. And don’t go all macho-badboy-man-in-charge per j-kat’s suggestion. I’m not buying that bs until I hear cites from the women in his life. Assuming there are any. And they aren’t being paid and stuff.
Dump the ex. You don’t need her as a friend either - she’s obviously either clueless, or really bad at saying “I’m sorry I cheated on you”. Either way, she’s not adding to your life.
On the eternal Nice Guy debate: Nice guys get dates. Doormats/guys who don’t show real interest don’t. Breakup Girl refers to these guys as “loft builders”. They’ll build a gal a loft, make her cookies, stuff like that, and then whine when she doesn’t show interest. Well, gee, those are nice friendly things to do, but hardly very romantic. I hooked up with my Nice Guy (who I’ve been with for over 10 years now) because he wasn’t pushy about it, but I definitely knew that he was romantically interested in me.
j_kat did have a point in needing to project confidence, even if you don’t feel it at first. Someone else once said you need to think of dating as being like sports practice - if you strike out on asking one girl out, that’s practice for the next one or the next. Keep practicing.
Just because he spoke to her dosent mean that he wanted to get freaky with her again.
arrmatey, don’t worry. You did the right thing. If you had have started an arguement you would only have felt worse after it, dredging up alot of old resentment. You mastered your anger well.
Guys who think they are “nice guys” but just sit around whining because they’re nice but they don’t get girls, and letting people use them for doormats, do not get girls. Most of the people I know anyway who are actual nice guys, as opposed to the previously mentioned sort, have long term girlfriends. Trust me, women can tell the difference. And sniveling doormats who whine about how they’re nice guys… Well, yeah, most of us don’t want those.
