I’m putting together an exploratory committee to see what elective office I should seek next year. Until I get more funds, the chair of that committee is…a chair–maplewood, maybe–that my cat sleeps on. I was going to ask the cat, but she demurred.
I have the policy positions other candidates won’t take!
[ul]
[li]I’m the only candidate in this race (whatever race it is) who advocates Ohio building a new Mount McKinley: an even better, higher[del], classier[/del] mountain than Denali! In Ohio, for the enjoyment of the people of Ohio! Not way off in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness, where, like, nobody ever goes![/li][li][del]I’m the only candidate who will abolish birthright citizenship retroactively. That’s right, from now on, only those candidates who are naturalized citizens will even be citizens. But there will be a path to citizenship for all previous citizens, with a quota set generously to allow between 1% and 2% of previous “natural-born” citizens to undergo naturalization every year. Every year! How about that![/del][/li][li]I’m the only candidate to repudiate the game-playing of the “pro-life” and “pro-choice” lobbies. I will vote to make abortion* mandatory and performed by robots*–in cases where three doctors and a licensed bioethicist agree it is necessary to save the mother from death, grievous bodily harm, or other gross personal risk.[/li][li]I’m the only one who’d walk across the fire for you! And you! And you! (Not you over there with the pipe, though; just these other people.)[/li][li]I’m the only candidate in this race (probably) who has embraced the global potential of the precedent of the Iran deal. If we can stick Western inspectors in Iranian uranium refinement facilities, imagine what we could do in North Korea! Or to French cheesemakers! A new world order of our inspectors protecting the world from not only nuclear weapons, but stinky cheese, awaits! If only we will but take it![/li][li]I will sponsor legislation making Lady Gaga a Living National Monument, so that the Park Service will protect her from degradation and harm. She’s the good kind of weird.[/li][li]I’ll bring back Firefly. With Dichen Lachman.[/ul]I rest my case.[/li]
ETA: After conferring with my chair, I’m walking back the “no birthright citizens” thing. We’ll see what the poles say.
