And wandering through the morass of male-male relationships is easier?
Absolutely. There’s no guesswork in trying to figure out another gender’s motivations and desires. Men know what men want.
And those gay guys! Talk about a monolithic set of people–all with virtually identical agendas, dreams, desires, and fashion sense! Must be nice and simple. By the way, could you tell me about my husband? After all, I’ve only spent five years living with him, talking to him, whereas you two share a set of genitals. What should I get him for his birthday?
Gobear, if there is any benefit to being inclined towards your own gender, I’d suggest it has more to do with the fact that we know people of our own gender are individuals—afterall, we know htat we, ourselves, differ from the stereotypical “man’” and “woman”, and so we tend to take each individual as a person. The problem I see people have with the opposite sex is that they’ve heard “Men like . . .” or "women like . . ", and so assume that someone is like whatever version of the stereotype they were raised with without paying attention to the actual person they are actually dealing with.
Forgive me for giving you a hard time, but this is an issue I feel really strongly about. I’m nothing like many women I know. My husband is nothinglike many men that I know. If I’d assumed he was, or he’d assumed i was, we wouldn’t be enjoying what we have right now.
A couple thoughts:
First, don’t be ashamed at having certain standards of physical attractiveness for potential girlfriends. Let’s face reality: everyone has such standards. Part of the point of having a girlfriend/boyfriend is that they appeal to you sexually.
Second, getting girls is actually shockingly easy. But like anything else, it takes practice & persistence. Check out the following website: http://www.fastseduction.com
Third, I realize this is the Pit and not the Advice Forum. So yeah, it sucks to be lonely.
Fourth, don’t waste time learning how be happy alone. That’s a bunch of BS. Learn how to freaking pick up girls. You’ll be a lot happier alone if you know that you could have as many girls as you want.
Sex.
Really.
As much truth as there is to your point that people are individuals who have their own unique quirks and traits, it is also true that men and women in general have certain traits in common with members. When I was single, I never had to court a guy, buy him flowers, or woo him in order to get laid. I never had to worry about menstruation or the risks of pregnancy. Moreover, getting head was absolutely guaranteed in every sexual encounter–tell me a straight man can equal that!
That should read ** it is also true that men and women in general have certain traits in common with members of their own gender that the other gender does not share.**
Human beings need touch, and Juniper beat me to my advice about a massage.
As for future dates or blind dates–I think one date is too short a time to determine whether nor not you like someone. She’s nervous, you’re nervous–neither of you are at your best or are bringing out the best in your date.
This particular guy and I had ONE date, and he decided he wasn’t interested and never called me again. When our paths crossed several years later, he decided to give it/me another go.
A marriage, a mortgage, a dog, a cat, and a child later, I think this fellow – aka Mr Cranky–would be the first to tell you that you shouldn’t rule someone out after one date.
You’re wrong. Really. My sex drive is much higher than his. Sorry.
I’d be freaked out and turned off by a guy who did such a thing.
Right, but nobody dates “women in general” or 'men in general": we date Sally and Paul and Micky and Lynn and Frank. We date individuals. Generalizations about gender are useful when you don’t have any other information: when you are dealing with the public or introducing yourself to a stranger, or designing advertising. But within these broad trends there is so much variation that the behavoir that is productive in very general, superficial situations becomes counterproductive when dealing with an individul who you have the chance to gather specific information about.
Case in point: the first year I was with my husband I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, that he really didn’t like me, because I wanted to have sex wiht him more than he wanted to have sex with me. I had heard wheat you just told me all my life “men want sex all the time” and instead of paying attention to him, instead of trusting him, I trusted that generalization. Since he didn’t want to have sex with me all the time, I was plagued with self-doubt–if all men want to have sex all the time with about anything, what the hell is wrong with me? I must be a syphilitc goat in his eyes!
So he wants a syphilitic goat for his birthday?
Crikey, what a morass.
I have a point on the passive aggressive woman thing. It’s true, there are some girls out there who do that. Can you guess why?
Because the media gives us a picture of what guys want “sexy flirty ‘good’ girls”. You’re supposed to look like sex on wheels and still be a virgin. Brittney Spears could simulate sex on a stage, but she was a rolemodel because she was sexy and she didn’t have sex.
You don’t like girls like that? Fine. There’s pleanty of girls who don’t buy into that crap. You want to stop girls from acting like that? Fine. Rail against media and society, not women as a whole.
I envy you.
So can I counter your anecdote with same? good
My former friend John (jerk) never courted a girl to get laid,
it was so easy for him, it pissed me off to no end.
His current georgous GF courted him fercrissakes.
I once cought the guy in bed with two giggling cuties,the girls just seemed to fall into bed with him at an alarming rate.
And if there wasn’t a bed immediatly available he/they made do,once he “did” a girl under a semi-truck (yeah classy huh?)
Neither have myself and my GF(I dont worry 'bout her menstruation)
I can , his name is John(asshole)…
At the risk of turning this into “Ask the Gay Guy XVI”…
But gobear, surely the sexual desires of yourself and your partner vary? Do gay guys always want to have sex?
I’m a hetro male. Was with my SO for about a year. We split, then got back together just recently.
When we first hooked up we both couldn’t get enough sex, morning, night, before work, anyplace, anytime. After a while my sexual appetite lessened slightly, but I still wanted sex pretty much any time. For her it was different, somedays she could keep her hands off me, somedays she wanted no more than a cuddle and kiss.
For guys and gals I think this has to do with hormones and menstruation, but I really don’t understand it.
Do gay guys relationships bear any resemblance to this?
Whilst I don’t have experience in this area myself, I know some gay men who would take strenuous exception to that thought.
<shrugs> All I can tell you is that this is what I have found to be true in my 20+ plus years of being a sexually active gay guy. If other people disagree, good for them.
What you have discovered is that guys are all pretty much the same? Either you have a really weird sample set, or you haven’t been paying attention.
I thought of an analogy that applies to what I am trying to say.
I’m looking to buy a house right now. There are a bunch of generalizations that can be made about houses in my area: that they are a certain size, have a certain type of foundation, don’t have basements, have two car garages, were built in certain years, etc. If I am just visiting a friends house, or writing an essay on Housing in America in the Early 21st Century, there’s nothing wrong with making these assumptions about their house, since a) they are probably right and b) if i am wrong, the consequences are not likely to be too dire.
On the other hand, when i am considering buying a house, I don’t make any assumptions, because I’ve discovered that every individual house varies from the norm in at least one important way, and before I commit to that house for possiblythe next 50 years, I’d like to be familiar with it, not just with houses in general.
In the same way, everyone I know with any degree of intimacy differs form gender “norms” in at least one signifigant way, and most people differ from gender norms in many different ways, even if, overall, they fit within the pattern expected for their gender. Casual aquaintances making gender-based assumptions are likey to never rn into a problem, but long-term partners best be paying attention to the person they are actually with, not to their idea of how 'women" are or “men” are.
Hmm? And you know what it is like to be gay, how?
Speaking for myself, I have no idea what it’s like. I was asking you what one aspect of it is like in my previous post. I know it’s a personal issue, and you may want to keep that kind of thing private, I’m just curious.
I know what it is like to be human, and to be human is to vary. Individuals–male and female–have different tastes, differnt hopes, different dreams, different quirks, different desires, different hormone levels, differnet fantasies, different insecurities. If that wasn’t the case, why date at all? Why not jsut be paired up in kindergarden? Does your partner know you consider him pretty much the same as everyone else you’ve ever dated?
That’s not what I said, and you know it. He knows that we are men, and that our relationship is different from what it would be if we were hetero. There is a great deal more guesswork in male-female relationships than in male-male relationships.
More to the point, examine the differences in lesbian relationships and gay male relationships. Women are much less driven by the “need to get fucked” imperative than men are. Not to say that there are not exceptions, but they are, after all exceptions.
More to the point, men, by and large, need sex more than women do, if only because women do not wake up to throbbing erections that must be satisfied.