Blalron, you remind me so much of myself at your age that it gives me the willies. All I could do was interminably whine about how “no one could/would ever love” me, too. You could seriously be my eighteen-year-old self posting through some kind of time warp, the things I said were so similar (in other words, I too was a completely self-absorbed walking hormone hurricane)–and that being the case, there are a few choice things I’ve always wished I could go back seven years and tell that version of me, to help him through that, shall we say, “emotionally turbulent” period. Maybe you’ll choose to listen; maybe you won’t. Regardless, here you go:
First of all, you need to forget about even the possibility of finding a girlfriend in the near future. You simply aren’t ready for any sort of meaningful romantic relationship yet. Period. Sounds harsh, I know, but it was that revelation that started me out of my own self-defeating cycle (and I didn’t catch on to it until I was about nineteen, so learn from my mistakes and start early). You see, just like you, I based almost all of my sense of self-worth on my ability to get a girlfriend and/or sex. And–surprise, surprise!–as a result I remained just as lonely and sexually frustrated as you are now.
Here’s the heart of the matter, Blalron, as plain as I can make it for you: Your problem isn’t that girls don’t like you, it’s that you don’t like yourself. You’ve got the cause and the effect ass-backwards, just like I did at your age. Right now, you need to work on becoming someone you’re satisfied with being–and that will not (in fact, it cannot) come from anyone but you. It’s up to you, and you alone. Work on developing your talents and abilities. Try and get some sense of direction in your life. If you don’t think of yourself as a worthwhile person (and you don’t–if you did, you wouldn’t be torturing yourself about this whole “girlfriend” thing the way you are), how can you expect anyone else to? You can’t.
And just for the record: no, this will not be easy. It will not happen overnight. For me, it was like watching the hour hand of a clock–it happened so slowly as to be imperceptible, but over the next couple of years, when I sort of stepped back and thought about who I was, and how I was different from the self-absorbed whiner I had been, I found myself becoming more confident and mature. When I was twenty-two, I met a girl online through a mutual interest, we started e-mailing, then calling, and eventually we fell in love. Alas, it didn’t end up working out (due to distance factors), but the experience drove home for me how far I had come as a person–I learned not only that I could love someone and be loved in return, but that I was able to take our relationship falling apart without beating myself up or getting all dramatic and bemoaning my cruel “fate.” Though I often regret that things didn’t work out, I still look at it as a positive experience: if nothing else, it proved that I wasn’t the person I used to be (the one who you, no offense, still are). While I haven’t been in a relationship since, I haven’t felt the need to. For the time being, I’m perfectly happy flying solo; maybe that will change, maybe it won’t. I’m fine either way, because I know that I’m a good person with positive qualities. And that’s how you’ve gotta’ feel, too.
Anyway, I’m not meaning to bore you with my life story… I just thought it might help illustrate that it is fully possible for someone in your position to… well, get out of your position. But searching desperately for a girlfriend is not going to help you–nor would finding one, at this point; if anything, it would only compound your deeper issues. That’s the informed opinion of someone who’s felt exactly like you feel now, and overcame those feelings to become a stronger, better person. Do yourself a favor and listen to me–if anyone understands how you feel, it’s me. That’s about all I can say, really. The rest is all up to you. Be strong, and don’t give up.
