Last Friday night, I lost my favorite pen (my boys gave it to me for my 40th birthday - sometimes it slides out of shallow pockets) at our local baseball team’s stadium. After realizing this 15 minutes after we left, I decided to turn around and go back to get it. My wife was upset that I was postponing her sleep for another 30-45 minutes. I said, “I’ve lost this pen and found it 6 other times, I know exactly where it is, and I certainly ain’t gonna let it end up in some schmuck’s pocket.” Found it in about 2 minutes, underneath where I was sitting. My wife was still ticked off, so to lighten the situation, I muttered “At least I didn’t forget to take it out of my pocket before my shorts went into the washing machine.”
I do have friends and I do go out and do other things without my husband all the time. I ride bikes with him. He has not learned to knit yet. He does not want to go to yarn stores with me, and I don’t expect him to. Yet every time he wants me to go canoeing or kayaking and I say no thank you he acts like I’m being mean.
My point is that I realized I was getting way too upset over something that was simply a mistake. He left a pen in his pocket. I checked the pockets, as I always do, but I missed it. There is a mess which included three pairs of my pants. The worst, of course, is his shirt, which is probably ruined. The rest of the clothes may be okay. I got some stuff from my custodian here at work that I’m going to try.
Supposedly we are equals, yet I always defer to him. I have learned in the rest of my life to stand up for myself, but for some reason I defer to my husband. Not that he demands it, but I let it happen.
When we got married he had a Schwinn. Now he has four bikes (Klein, Trek, Mongoose and Daws), we have tandem, and I have my own hybrid which I hardly ever ride. So the biking was not part of my plan when we got married.
The canoe was bought with my consent and I don’t mind it that much. The day he bought the kayaks I said, “I do not want kayaks. I may or may not go out on the kayaks. Do not buy kayaks based on me.” So he got one for himself and one for our daughter. I’ve gone out on the kayaks 4-5 times.
I should have a) gone to the movie without him; b) let him figure out what to do about the ink; c) gone to the lake and had some time alone or something. Instead I went home and sat on the back porch seething. It was weird. I just couldn’t calm down. I haven’t figured it out yet.
He did make himself something to eat, because I wasn’t doing it. He also apologized about the pen, which was monumental. He almost never apologizes about anything. He also tried to get the ink out with the alcohol, but it seems to spread it out more.
Okay, I guess this is the weird part: I got really depressed about this. I just felt hopeless. I didn’t get to go to the movie. I had a mess to clean up. People wanted me to feed them. My life has no meaning. Not exactly rational.
Maybe I should quit the Straight Dope because I always post things in the wrong place and people get so nasty about it. I guess this is the arena where I’m supposed to say that I think the President of the United States is a putz? But that will make even more people mad at me!
I can totally sympathize (empathize?) with the OP. My husband coaches high-level baseball, and their play-offs were this weekend. Well, his really good team who had no business losing found a way to lose the finals, and my husband was not a happy person this weekend as a result.
Do I like it when he brings his bad times on the field home with him? No. Am I going to divorce him over it? No. Am I going to discuss it with him? Maybe. Maybe I’ll just tell him that next year I’m leaving town while his team has play-offs since he turns into such a grouch.
I can relate when you say “he always has time to do anything related to a bicycle or a kayak or a canoe, but if it’s something I want to do, well then forget it!”, Lilith. I get that vibe from my husband sometimes, too - he manages to fit all kinds of baseball into his busy schedule, but very little house or yard work. I’m not sure if this is a battle I want to fight yet, though. He’s a good man in all other ways - he’s not perfect, but neither am I.
Yeah, those little nit-picks have a way of catching up to you. Taken alone, not that big of a deal, together they can really get you steamed.
You’re gonna need to plan yourself a day. Coffee with a friend, a movie that you want to see, a nice long bath, read a book you want to, eat whatever you want for the entire day. Sounds like you need it. But be prepared for your SO to call from the kitchen asking if “we have any mayo”, if you “seen my keys?”, etc…while you sit in the tub fuming.
I was a harsh because you seemed really immature about the whole thing. Sorry. Advice: talk to your husband instead of going mental over a shirt and calling him a freak.
IANAMarriage Counselor, but I think you really need to talk to him about this in particular. Be as specific as possible- tell him exactly what he says or does that makes you feel like he thinks you’re being mean. Explain to him that you sometimes don’t want to go biking with him- maybe he doesn’t know that, a lot of men (and at least some women) are not good at picking up subtle signals that someone’s not enjoying an activity.
Tell him that his walking around to find the perfect restaurant annoys you. Again, a lot of us are not good with nonverbal signals, so we won’t know it’s bothering you unless you tell us in words. Set a numerical limit- you can look at 5 or maybe 10 restaurants, but once you’ve reached that number, you have to pick one that you’ve already looked at. Or you could set a distance limit- say, three blocks.
I have no choice but to question whether the majority of the people posting to this thread with the whole, :dubious: and :rolleyes: are actually married. If they are, I’d like to know just how they avoid any and all irrational arguments, tiffs, aggravations, or irritations living in such close quarters with their spouses. Really. These things happen. They really do. No matter how mature or self aware you are, there’s going to be an argument or something like it sooner or later. If you don’t have that, I question your integrity.
If you aren’t married, hell, even living with somebody at length, take your rolleyes and your snide ass comments about the OP being insane and…stick it in your ear.
As for the OP, a deep breath is in order, but by no means the cure. It’ll either pass, or you have to do something about it. If it becomes a habit to freak out like that, then there’s a problem that requires more action. I suspect you know that. One freak out does not make you a pariah.
Feeling this way is all part of marriage. I can totally relate and sympathize. Marriage is full of stuff that burns one’s ass but looks dumb on paper. Look at me, I’m still stewing, nearly 7 years later, about my husband having the nerve to complain to me about the price of coffee in the hospital cafeteria while I was in labor.
Better to post it here than actually call your husband a freak to his face. Later, if you want, you can discuss things calmly.
In hindsight I would have recommended posting in MPSIMS, however.
Couple of thoughts here: First, this is the Pit so it is totally Ok to tell people to stick it in their ass. Hell, it is almost expected. Second, just based on the thread, the OP sounds a bit bitchy and like one of those wives who goes around mad all of the time and pulls the “if you loved me you wouldn’t have to ask” crap when the spouse tries to find out what the problem is. Finally, did we ever get an answer to the “tits” question? That, coupled with the appropriate cite, could go a long way towards clearing some things up.
I think most people feel overwhelmed with their life from time-to-time. Sometimes it feels like all we do is take care of other people, when all we really want is for someone to take care of us for a bit.
Ignore the posts that are snide and uncaring here–it’s the Pit; people are supposed to leave their manners and compassion at the door, apparently. <shrugs>
It sounds to me like your husband feels entitled to your time and attention, no matter what your plans are. This is a big problem, and probably why you couldn’t just let it go.
IMO, you need some YOU time–but you also need to talk about this with him.
I think what would help you most is RECOGNITION by him of what is important to you.
Personal anecdote:
My husband had a “habit” of stopping at every airfield and military facility that took the public and was on the way to wherever we were going for the first 10 years of our marriage. I “tolerated” this. I found almost nothing to interest me in either type of place. To me, a small plane is a small plane etc. So, I finally told him–go for it, but I’m not coming along. He was terribly hurt (which is funny, because he was amazed that I was hurt when he stated firmly, “no art museums for me, ever”), but he got over it. Now, he toddles off and comes home with news and info about the latest plane he has seen etc.
Whatever. I smile and nod. It makes for peace in the home.
Seriously, I think there is more here than just the pen in the dryer (I once washed all my new uniforms, forgetting about the black crayon in a pocket–so much for $200 in new uniforms!). That pen looks alot like a last straw to me.
I am fast approaching my own final straw, but I do hope that you guys can work it out.
These small irritations do build up. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the other person, and it doesn’t mean you’re a manipulative woman trying to play if-you-loved-me-you’d-do-this-and-that games.
There are a few things that annoy me. Things that should be refrigerated left out overnight–milk, mayonnaise, leftovers, whatever. So does asking my husband to do something several times over the course of however long, and him not doing it when he has agreed to do it.
But you get over it. Tempers may flare, but apologies come soon. And every now and then we just need to sit down and have a talk about who needs to do what when. My husband’s initiated them with me, too. It all works out.
Oooh! Sorry 'bout that! You’re right! ASS! Stick it in your ASS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
I feel oddly better now. Not so…tightly wound? I forgot we were in the Pit. How, I don’t know, but I did. The kinder, gentler person in me keeps saying that I’ll get flamed less if I use less vitriol. Usually, I just tell it to shut the fuck up, but it won this time.
Sorry for that hijack. We now return you to your regularly scheduled pit party!
I could totally be imagining it, but are the people mocking and asking about her tits and the people empathizing and telling Lilith to go take a bath with baboons divided among gender lines here?
