I'm upset. I feel that my present wasn't properly appreciated.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

This is more than just “not being appreciative enough.” The problem wasn’t that she responded to my birthday present in an understated way. I had no problem with that, and it didn’t bother me in the least.

No, the problem occured because she calmly accepted my gift, but then positively gushed over another (lesser, more sloppily prepared, and less thoroughly researched) pair of presents. Heck, she even asked for a photograph to be taken, so that this memory could be preserved for all time. That’s pretty much a slap in the face to the other gift-giver, especially since I made a special effort to find out what she liked.

And that’s the key. It’s poor form to gush over one person’s present, while practically ignoring a similar gift from someone else – especially when a great deal more effort went into the latter.

22

I think your response indicates that her response was perfectly appropriate. Your gift was designed to get you the maximum plaudits, but didn’t work, the other gifts were sincere attempts to please her.

23

No, it wasn’t. As I said, I was perfectly fine with her quiet, understated response to my present. As I’ve repeatedly pointed out, I did NOT expect her to gush over what I gave her. Heck, I didn’t expect much of a response at all.

Rather, the issue is one of basic graces. It’s poor form to specifically gush over one person’s gift while basically ignoring a comparable present that someone else gave. It amounts to saying, “I appreciate this gift, but not that one.” And when the other present requires a great deal more effort, it’s hard not to feel slighted.

24

On that, I gotta agree.

25

WTF? No whining! Cowboy up dude.

26

bold added by me

Who’s to say which took more effort? Being adult and gentlemanly is second nature to you, but is a rather foreign concept to the other guys. She is lavish in her praise to them for being surprisingly thoughtful. Similar to how she might praise a child’s crudely drawn card more than a skillfully made card by an adult, even if the adult put in more time and thought.

27

I understand that. When I say that my present required more effort, I’m talking about the fact that I researched her preferences, went to a florist and requested a specific arrangement. In contrast, they picked up a couple of bouquets at a grocery store.

As I said earlier though, I do understand her explanation that this gesture was more surprising, coming from them. I just think it was rather impolite of her to sing the praises of their gifts, while saying nothing about my gesture. Why not make an effort to acknowledge all gifts in similar ways, especially when the gifts are similar?

Remember, I had no way of knowing that this was her rationale. To any casual observer, it would simply look as though she loved their efforts, but didn’t care about what I gave.

Do you know what I’d do in that situation? After posing for a photo with their bouquets, I would have said, “Oh, and I’d also like to get my picture taken with JThunder’s flowers as well!” That way, everybody would know that all of these presents were deeply appreciated. I think that’s pretty much just common sense and basic social grace.

28

Given the quality of flower bouquets in a lot of supermarkets, they might actually have had to make a real effort to find two that were totally presentable. :stuck_out_tongue:

Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone’s gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment… and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn’t received with as much hype.

But honestly, the way you are harping on the flowers here is a bit much. So you two chatted once upon a time, and she told you that she liked red roses. How does translate into extensive research, etc. into her tastes? Maybe she just never had a conversation with the other two guys about the flowers she likes. Are you taking credit then for a happenstance?

IMO, sounds to me like the other supposedly hurtful things she did bother you much more, only you don’t want to discuss those here, so you make a bigger fuss over the flowers that would seem to be called for.

29

When you told her how your feelings had been hurt did she suggest that next year you just stick the gift up your ass? Cause that would solve the problem.

30

Yes, and thank you for understanding. That’s exactly how I felt.

Well, first of all, I didn’t say that I conducted “extensive” research. I simply said that I made an effort to find out what kind of flowers she liked.

This was a deliberate effort, which is why it wasn’t happenstance. I deliberately steered our conversation in an attempt to find out what kinds of things she liked. This happened to include the kind of flowers she preferred.

So yes, while I think that these gents were sweet and thoughtful, I also think that I invested considerably more effort into this gesture. I invested more effort in every possible way, which is why the stark contrast between her responses was a bit jarring.

31

How anyone could think of you as “an adult and a gentleman” is beyond me now. Get a life!

32

Bolding mine. Did she say nothing, or did she express her thankfulness, as you mentioned in the OP?

Personally, I would be alarmed if any gift given to me came with so many strings attached. Yes, in a perfect world, all gifts would be given equal thanks, but that’s not really how it plays out in real life. Her explanation seems a little odd to me, to be honest, but I can also see how being asked for an explanation in the first place might have made her felt backed in a corner and flustered. I know I have not always responded gracefully in situations where I felt I was put on the spot.

33

That was careless phrasing on my part. She did indeed say “Thank you.” As I said, it was an understated and entirely appropriate response.

I don’t think it’s fair to paint this as having “strings attached.” There were no requirements for the gift, nor was anything expected in return. As I’ve said earlier, the problem wasn’t with the strongly contrasting responses to gifts that were essentially the same (albeit with different levels of effort required).

I think that tiger lily understands my viewpoint quite well when she says, “Yes, ideally she would have acknowledged everyone’s gifts equally. However, she appears to have been counting on you as a gentleman to understand why the difference in treatment… and maybe that was a bit presumptuous of her. I can understand feeling a little hurt when the gift you give isn’t received with as much hype.”

34

I am tentatively on the side of the OP here. I would never have said anything but I would have been hurt too if I’d given a gift to have this kind of reception. But then again, lots of inconsiderate people in life.

35

I’m a little surprised.

You felt that the response given to your gift was not as good as the responses given to other, similar gifts. You then inquired as to the difference with the lady receiving the gifts.

And she didn’t slap you upside the head? Missed a golden opportunity, there. I can see making a gentle comment if she failed to thank you at all, but saying something to her because you didn’t think her “thank you” was effusive enough or excited enough is just… I don’t have the words, but I’d be pissed about it if I were in her shoes.

If she thanked you politely and sincerely for your gift, why is her behavior being called into question here? And, really, why are you comparing her responses to various gifts anyway? Do you win a prize if you get the most effusive response?

I’m inclined to believe her explanation (and a little horrified you felt compelled to demand one). I know that I tend to be more effusive when presented with gifts I didn’t expect than ones I was expecting. Maybe she wanted her picture taken with the gifts from the other fellas because she wanted photographic evidence they actually remembered her birthday and appeared with an appropriate gift since that’s never happened before and never will again. (This is why I have a picture of myself with flowers my brother gave me - it remains, to this day, the only event my brother has managed to remember and appear at with appropriate gift since he got too old for my mother to prod him about it.) Or maybe she was extra-effusive with the other fellas to encourage them in this behavior in the future - and knew you didn’t require the extra encouragement.

She was probably counting on you to be gracious enough not to make a big deal about the difference, since she apparently considered you a gentleman.

You’ve mentioned that she did some other things you’re not happy about, but you seem fixated on this flower thing. I have to tell you that I’m not sure you’re in the right to be incensed about it, frankly. One shouldn’t give a gift in the expectation of reward (like effusive thanks and gushing).

On rereading this response is a little harsh, but I stand by the principle. Ideally, every gift giver should be identically treated, but that’s rarely the case, and being hurt about it is essentially being overly thin-skinned (in my opinion only, YMMV). Commenting to her about it is actually rude, also in my opinion only, YMMV.

36

Yes, I understand your viewpoint to a certain extent. But to emphasize a few things you said earlier:

Would you be saying the same thing if two of her female friends showed up with supermarket bouquets? If not, why not?

Honestly, it doesn’t much sound like you’re just unhappy that she didn’t show more outward enthusiasm - it sounds much more like you do have a romantic interest in her, and you feel rebuffed. The reason why I say this, and that other people have said this, is because it’s really not very common at all for the average male platonic friend to steer conversation in the direction of the things that a female friend likes, with a view toward figuring out what gift will best “blow her away” at the next gift-giving opportunity. It’s what guys with a romantic interest do.

It’s even possible that you when you told her how you were hurt at her reaction, she had a flashback to your conversation and she got (what you are saying is) the wrong impression about your interest. No wonder her response was awkward.

I think you need to acknowledge that trying to be iconoclastic about a popular romantic gesture is not advisable, however desirable on your part. You’re better off sticking to a box of chocolates, or even a supermarket bouquet of flowers, if you don’t want to be misunderstood. And then there is also no chance to be hurt about a disproportionate amount of time/effort spent selecting a gift. Just MHO.

37

Totally inappropriate for MPSIMS, guys. If you want to vent about, attack or insult another poster, do it in the Pit. But leave it out of the other fora.

38

Thank you. I’m so glad that you understand.

Again, that’s a misrepresentation. It’s not that her response to me wasn’t effusive enough. As I said earlier, her quiet “thank you” was perfectly reasonable and justified. It’s the difference in the response that’s jarring.

It’s like being seated at a formal dinner with a group of women. Only a lout would single out one woman and say, “You look absolutely beautiful tonight!” He’s not obligated to compliment the other women, but it’s pretty rude to single out that one woman without saying anything to the others.

And yes, I did speak to her about it. I did because there were several other things that happened that night, and I wanted to clear the air. I didn’t want any resentment to fester. The result? I found out why she acted as she did, which made it easier to keep the peace. For her part, she understood why I seemed distracted and upset, which also helped prevent any misunderstandings.

Contrary to your claim, I did not “inquired as to the difference.” Rather, I simply let her know that I was a bit hurt by the difference in her response. She volunteered an explanation, which made the whole situation easier to understand.

39

That is an excellent question. I assume that you’re talking about two women giving supermarket bouquets, and her offering the same enthusiastic response?

I’m sure that my feelings would still have been hurt, but not to the same degree. Such is the nature of male-female dynamics. I daresay that this would happen regardless of the presence or absence of any romantic desires.

Anyway, I’m glad that I cleared the air with her. We got together this morning, and things were cool between us now. This is precisely why I wanted to be honest with her regarding how I felt last night. During that discussion, it was clear that she had no intention of hurting me, and I emphasized that I knew she wasn’t the type to do so deliberately.

40

Just to reiterate… I didn’t ask for an explanation. Rather, I simply mentioned that my feelings were hurt. She’s the one who offered an explanation.

I also emphasized that I wanted to let her know because I cared about our friendship and I didn’t want to let anything fester between us. I think she now understands how this looked, but I don’t know for sure.