JThunder–You’re posting to this thread a lot, either to defend yourself or to clarify points you think other posters have misunderstood.
You’re obviously pretty upset about the way this woman treated you. I don’t know why she acted the way she did, or what else happened at this party that you’re so upset about. But I get the feeling that it would be best for you to just acknowledge the way she treated you and stop being upset at her having acted in ways you found thoughtless or rude.
Obviously, telling her that you’re upset didn’t give you the response you want. Neither is stewing about what she did and spending lots of time writing about it on a message board. Rather than rehashing the problem, either in your head, with her, or with us, you might want to decide to not give her gifts or go to parties with her. You can’t change how she acts towards you, but you can decide what behavior you’re willing to accept from her. You can also decide how much of yourself you want to invest in someone who doesn’t reciprocate in the way you’d like.
Your actions essentially required her to make some excuse. And since her actions were probably not pre-planned, she didn’t have an excuse except “Their gifts surprised and delighted me more than yours.”
Certainly. It’ll happen in due time. Right now, the wounds are still fresh.
That’s right. As I said, I’ll get over it… but right now, it still chafes a bit.
At least I do have a better understanding of why her responses were so vastly different. I don’t think that this justifies being so careless, but it does explain something.
I read the OP last night before there was a response to the thread. The above is what I immediately thought. Judging by the responses since, I’m even more suspicious that this is the case.
I don’t think her response was necessarily the most tactful thing to do, but I don’t think it was wrong by any stretch, either. I also think confronting her afterwards about it comes off as a bit needy and creepy. IMHO, of course. There’s plenty of reasons she might have accepted your gift with a cool “thank you.” My guess is she didn’t want to lead you on. She could also have, just as well, not been completely loosened up and in the spirit of the party yet to give a gushing display of appreciation. Yet another explanation is that people act differently around different sets of people. I act more serious and formal around some people, and like a goofy little schoolboy around others. I could certainly envision a situation in which the same gift, depending on the giver, would elicit two very different response, even though I may appreciate the gift equally.
In other words, I think a gracious gentleman would have let this go. I’m sorry it stings, but I think you’re dwelling on this way more than is reasonable.
He probably should let it go at this point but I don’t think it was entirely wrong to mention it to her. Yeah, part seems a little weird…but it also shows a good friendship and an honest person IMO. I would rather have someone say it than let it fester.
I’m also not sure why people are complaining he’s posting a lot. Should he not? Should he just sit back and let the responses roll over him? I prefer an active OP!
However now that she has given her answer the OP needs to decide what he wants out of this friendship. Obviously they have different expectations. And yes, a response like this to a gift would simply mean next time it wou;dn’t be hand-selected roses but a generic bouquet bought from the grocery store. Why not, if she’s going to be just as happy or happier about the others?
Sounds like you’ve got her expectations of you set too high. You need to start ignoring her and giving her crap, so that on those rare occasions when you do do something nice or extravagant, she’ll be pleasantly surprised instead of just taking it for granted.
There’s a big difference between feeling hurt and telling her that she has hurt you.
Like others, I would have felt hurt too (especially if, as the subtext here strongly suggests, I had a romantic interest in her). I’m a sensitive guy like that. However, not every injury needs to be pointed out to the injurer. Some are too small to mention. Some are too difficult to describe within the bounds of tact. Some might be appropriate to describe, but at a different time and place. (And, as a purely tactical matter, if you do indeed have romantic interest, I don’t think your reaction furthered your cause.)
My reaction to the story is that I understand the pain you felt, but I don’t understand why you felt the need to point it out. In the grand scheme of things, and even in the little scheme of things, this was an awfully minor slight. You may have imbued it with greater significance because you have some invisible dogs in the fight (i.e., romantic interest), but your invisible dogs don’t make your outward conduct look any more appropriate.
JT you must be a consistently thoughtful gift giver since she was not surprised by your wonderful gift. It sounds like she knows you well and expects great things from you. That right there is awesome praise.
Perhaps she wanted a photo with the other bouquets because she didn’t think she’d ever see a gift from those people again.
Not necessarily, but it’s entirely dependent on how close the relationship is. Personally, if anybody but the closest of my close friends or family reacted in this way to me, I’d find it a bit weird, especially if nothing was meant by my actions. I mean, what, am I supposed to keep my emotions in check and portion out exactly the right amount based on the gift received?
I can tell this much from the thread and **JThunder’**s responses so far, and I would like some clarification if not detailed acceptance/denial of the following assumptions, on all of which I would make positive wagers if this was presented to me as a blind test:
JThunder is romantically interested in the woman.
**JThunder **has certain insecurities with regard to the other gift-givers, and may feel in “competition” with them.
JThunder’s gift, as compared to the average gift given, was a bit over-the-top.
**JThunder **perceives a connection to this woman based on certain encounters that he has had with her, encounters that he would consider important, yet she would be hard-pressed to remember.
And I think I speak for the entire thread when I say that I am INSANELY curious as to the content of the “other things” that came out, even if we only have them through your lens.
I’m not trying to bag on you here, dude, but your reaction is WAY out of line for someone who is invested in only a friendship. You need to be a bit more honest with yourself about the root of these reactions, which are wholly inconsistent with your description of the relationship.
I hate to keep harping on the red roses thing, but I can’t shake the feeling that was a factor in this. Maybe you know it was a thoughtful (if passionate) expression of a platonic friendship, and maybe she understood that too, but did everyone else at the party?
She may have been overcompensating. It came across as tactless and hurtful, but she may have been trying to make it clear to everyone at the party the expensive & lavish vase of red roses doesn’t mean what everyone might be thinking it means. I kinda can’t blame her for that.
But, asking you to hold the camera and take a picture with the other two unsophisticated boors and their stupid old flowers was definitely tactless, hurtful and really kind of rude, especially if she didn’t ask for a picture with you. I’d be hurt. But if there was any sort of tension about the value and meaning of your gift vs. theirs, what could she do? Call more attention to it?
It was her birthday though, so I’d have tried to do my best to smile and hope she had a good time. I’d probably also have come up with an excuse to leave early, and wouldn’t have brought up my feelings until the next day.
Is this the same girl you were talking about in this thread?
If so, it really sounds like you want more than being “just friends” with her.
If that is the case, yes, I totally understand why you felt hurt by how she reacted to your present. I’d be hurt too if someone I was attracted to showed that they weren’t as interested in me in return.
I do think levdrakon is onto something here. Even if you truly don’t have any romantic interest, it wouldn’t surprise me if she thinks you do. I definitely think it’s a plausible theory that her lack of enthusiasm was the result of overcompensation, in an effort to avoid “leading you on”. I certainly don’t think she meant to hurt your feelings. The flowers you picked out do sound beautiful, but also with very romantic implications. I’d be totally thrilled to get such a nice present from a boyfriend. But for a friend, I really think it’s safer to stick with flowers that have a less romantic connotation than red roses.
