I'm very tired (hospital capers)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

His parents are in England and I’m mortified to admit I didn’t even think about them.

Really they’re not part of our lives, not for any horrible reasons. Just that hubby’s not that close to them and they’re not that close to him. I’ve tried to get him to bring them a bit more into our lives, but sometimes they’re hard to get in touch with, especially with the time difference.

But I didn’t even think about them in all of this. Thank you for reminding me, Ivylass. I’ll have to make sure mum can stop off at home with me so I can get their phone number and try to call them.

42

Close or not, I’m sure they’d appreciate a phone call. Do you need to call any of his friends or his work?

43

Damn. Sorry to hear that it got that bad. Hopefully the endo will show something. I know the machines are scary and you are terrified but he will be taken care of. BTW, when you said he had an X-ray you didn’t mention if they had used any kind of contrast (Barium). If all they did was a standard x-ray they might have missed something.

Be there for him, hold his hand (at least the one without an IV) and tell him you love him and then threaten to kick his ass when he is healthy for not being more forceful with his GP. My wife gave me all kinds of hell when I was having chest pains (turns out to be a heart murmur) and wound up going to the ER. She said, “I love you, you’re going to get better, but if you ever let some symptom slide because you’re a “tough man”, I’m going to rip your balls off.” :smiley:

Good luck to both of you. You are in my thoughts and prayers (if you want them).

44

Keerap!!! That sounds a helluva lot more serious than a simple food allergy / intolerance thing going on. But at least this will bump him up in the priority of the gastroenterologist and other specialists!

45

Good god. That’s horrible! I hope you have some good news soon…

46

It’s not a food allergy.

I’d hoped it was, even though I knew it wasn’t.

He’s addicted to codeine. Except codeine over here is only available OTC bound with ibuprofen. He’s been taking insane amounts every day for the last four or so years.

He’s said to me in the past that he was trying to cut down. But you can take an addict to counselling, you can’t make him quit. So all I could do was stand by and watch whilst my husband slowly poisoned himself. I tried to help him as much as I could with giving up, but ultimately he has to take that last step on his own - and he didn’t.

We’ve been keeping it secret from my family for two years. That’s how long I’ve known. But my stepdad is an ex meth-head. He knew something was up, but because he couldn’t see any tells he didn’t bring it to anyone. But I knew. And my family found the packets. So they know now.

The doctors tell me he’s got quite a severe ulcer at the top of his intestine, that hit a blood vessel. That’s where all the blood came from. He’s had at least three units of blood, and when I went in to see him he was still under the general they’d put him under for the endoscopy. The doctors are hopeful. Even after I told them of his addiction, they said the physical issues he’s got right now are easily rectifiable but then after that he has to be ready to go into counselling on his own.

He said he doesn’t want help.

He was under so many drugs when I went in there, I’m just hoping, I’m praying he was talking from a position where he doesn’t know what he’s saying. I’m hoping once he wakes up he’ll want to try and help himself for me. For us.

The alternative is something too terrible to bear right now.

I spent last night at mum’s place. I just want to spend tonight at home with the cat. Even though I’ll be alone. I don’t sleep well in other beds, I don’t want to be away from home. Mum’s place isn’t my house any more, it smells funny and I don’t have my cat.

I saw my GP this morning. They gave me a valium-thing, so I can hold myself together enough to cope with this.

He’s just called me, he’s awake from the drugs now. Mostly awake at least. He’s lucid.

I told him my family know about the tablets. He says he doesn’t care. He’s sounding very flat, like he really doesn’t care. I’m going back to the hospital now to see him. I want to tell him to his face that I love him. I just hope that deep down he understands that, and he finds the need inside to ask for the help that he needs to get.

I’m scared.

47

{{{hug}}}

48

gives lots of super-tight hugs to Sierra
I’m sure he does care; at least, I’m hoping he does. At least now you know what it is, and can focus on really fighting it now. Here’s lots of prayers and support to you and your trials. Remember to take care of yourself too, you can’t help him if you don’t have the gusto to back yourself up as well.
I know deep down he knows you love him. If you didn’t, you never would have gotten him help in the first place. Can’t argue that.

49

Sierra,

Please know that these are not flat words on a computer screen. I am a real person with a real heart.

I went through a similar experience about 7 years ago. I was also given some meds to cope with a devastating situation. They really did help. However, when I went off them, it was like I had to go through the whole situation again. I had to work through it all without the meds because I couldn’t be on them forever.

In some ways it was harder dealing with it all after, without the meds, than dealing with it during, with the meds. So that is just a word of caution. Of course, do what’s best for you.

My life is nothing, absolutely nothing, like it was before. Different part of the country, home, job, friends, pets, everything. But you know what? It’s better than it was before. And I am much stronger than I was before as well. And now I know, there is nothing that can happen in my life that I can’t make it through, because I made it through utter hell.

Love yourself, take care of yourself, and know that you are only one person. You can only take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

FloatyGimpy

50

I’m crying for you. How weird is it to be so worried about a stranger you’ve never met?

Time for a shift. If you don’t get any satisfaction from his answers or demeanor soon, then it’s time to worry about yourself and make his needs secondary. That’s the cold, hard truth. Others here have more experience with addicted spouses, so I have no good advice.

Still pulling for you. You have a little collection of people who give a shit.

51

Thanks for the well-wishes and support everyone. It means so much to me to know that there are others out there praying for us. I’m praying for us right now.

I’ve gotten back from my second visit with him. He seemed a lot less hopeless and “dead” this time. He engaged with me, was smiling and making a few lame jokes. He told me he loved me and said he was sorry.

I’ve told him about the Drug & Alcohol counselling that the hospital offered me, but he has to call them himself, I can’t do it for him. Right now I just want him to concentrate on getting better - he can’t get his hands on the tablets whilst he’s in the hospital, so we’ll deal with that when he comes out.

I’ve booked my own counselling session with the D&A people - if nothing else, I want more options for how to handle this, how to try and help him if he wants to change, what to do to look after myself if he doesn’t want to.

The one thing I keep thanking myself for during this whole thing is that we don’t have children. Regardless of how this turns out, it’s only him and myself I have to worry about. It’s a small mercy.

I found out that he’s had five units of blood in the last 24 hours. That’s scared me more than anything else - how close he came to losing enough blood to actually die. I never want to see that happen again.

But I’m trying to keep my outlook positive. Realistically I’m aware he may not make the changes he needs to make, and I’ll deal with that, but I’m keeping the hope in my heart that this has scared him enough to know that he needs to change, and that he will make the effort to change.

He’s staying in the ICU for at least another 24 hours, if he’s stabilised fully after that time they’ll move him to a ward, but due to the nature of the injury and his addiction, they’re probably looking at keeping him in the ward for a few days. And if I have to take that time off work myself to sit at his bedside and keep him in that damned ward, so be it. I’m not letting him release himself early this time.

Thank you all again for the well-wishes and support. It’s just a godsend having somewhere that I can let this all out, but where I know that someone will be listening. Thank you.

52

Sierra thank god you now know what was causing the pain and can work to get him better. I hope your husband makes the call for help. Also find out about a support group for you to join so you can find other people in similar situations. I have never been through this but I think that Narcotics Anonymous has something like that. Stay away from Narconon! They are a Scientology front!

Good luck to both of you. Remind him that you love him and that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You made vows to love each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. Together you can get through the hard times. I hope he works with you to help himself.

Again, my thoughts and prayers to the both of you.

53

Sierra Indigo, that’s a lot like how we learned my brother-in-law was a closeted alcoholic - we got a call that he was in the ER of Chicago’s “public health” hospital (where the uninsured and underinsured go, mostly) with liver failure and they weren’t sure how long he was going to live.

There were signs ahead of time, but he didn’t really drink around anyone (or not more than a glass of wine or beer), so that was the major thing that threw us off. He had psoriasis on his face, leading to a swollen red nose - but that’s aggravated by alcoholism too. He had an oddly bulging gut but my sister-in-law told us about his stomach troubles and how they were going to see if maybe he had inflammatory bowel disease or something at an upcoming doctor’s appointment. And his preferred drink was vodka, never provided at family get-togethers, so he would drink vodka when hidden away from everyone, including our SIL.

He had a failing liver and wouldn’t be eligible for transplant because he was an active alcoholic. His kidneys began shutting down. He had a stroke, got pneumonia, had a tracheotomy done and a breathing tube inserted. And then he began to get better. His kidneys and liver started to work again. He was hospitalized for months and then sent to a physical rehabilitation center for a couple of months. He’s basically disabled these days, though he can walk, talk, and so forth. Oh yes, and he doesn’t drink.

Don’t put too much stock in what your guy says or does right now. My BIL doesn’t even remember waking up from his semi-comatose state and recognizing his mother and me. Meds, pain, all sorts of stuff can mess with your head in situations like this. He does have to figure out if this is “hitting bottom” for him, and if so, what to do about it. I know you want him to kick this for you and for the both of you, but first he has to do it for himself. He has to believe that he’s worth it. He’s probably feeling “weak” and ashamed about his addiction which is perhaps why he said he doesn’t want help - maybe he thinks he can kick it on his own. Hopefully he’ll realize that asking for help isn’t a bad thing, and might prevent worse in the future, might save his life.

54

Not weird. When I read her post I got sick to my stomach. Wow, Sierra Indigo. I hurt for you and him.

55

{{{{{Sierra Indigo}}}}}

Hang in there. I think it’s a very good idea for you to talk to the counseling people, no matter what else happens, because they should be able to help you know what to do and, more importantly, what not to do.

I hope he’ll be ready to get help once he gets past the immediate medical stuff. I really do.

56

I was horrified, too.

Sierra, I’m giving you huge Orlando(ish) hugs right now. Please know, everything you’re feeling right now is normal. Let me guess, you’re scared that he’s so sick and pissed off as hell because he basically did this to himself?

Only you can decide if it’s time to continue fishing or cut bait. If he know you’re still there and will be there to help him recover, it may be just what he needs to kick this thing.

And if he decides he’s fine, he can handle this on his own, well, then, you have another decision to make.

I am hoping he will poke his head out of the River of Denial and realize he needs help.

Keep posting, sweetie…you may be on the other side of the world, but you are not alone. You need to get more family members there…your mom, his parents, friends, family, hell…the guy he buys his coffee and Danish from. The more people who can get in his face, the better.

57

It’s our wedding anniversary next week, three years.

We were going to be staying in a fancy hotel in town tonight, because next week everything’s booked out due to the tour down under. But I’ve cancelled that. It’ll be enough of an anniversary present for him to tell me he wants the help, and take those first steps to get the help he needs.

He’s forbidden me from telling his parents anything. And I’m conflicted about that. On the one hand, they’re his parents. They should know their only son is in this trouble, even if they are in England. But on the other hand, I really don’t want to push my luck with him at the moment. I feel to keep him on the right track, it’s going to have to be softly-softly around a few areas, at least until he’s better, and his parents are one of them.

It’s not that there’s bad blood between them. It’s more that he just doesn’t feel that close to them. Which bothers me, because I really do want to tell them. But I don’t want to take the chance that he’ll shut down on me if I do.

Unfortunately, we don’t really have any external friends. Our support structure is pretty much limited to my maternal family. But his bosses know, and they know which hospital he’s in, and one said something about possibly sending a fruit basket or something. So I’m hoping he’ll realise that more people are pulling for him to get through this.

Being in ICU right now, it’s not like he can go anywhere. But once he’s on the ward, I’m worried. He has a habit of going walkabout when he gets bored, and I’m scared he’s going to check himself out one day when HE decides he’s better (at least physically). So I’m going to call my work on Monday, and tell them I’m staying in the hospital with him. Then I’m going to plant myself at his bedside and if necessary I’m going to pin him to the bed until he’s told he can leave.

Like you say ivylass, I’m scared that he’s sick but I’m pissed off because it is something he’s done to himself. He’s not unintelligent, he knows what ibuprofen does to the body. He’s lucky it was (just) an ulcer, and not renal shutdown, which is another possible result of extended abuse of this drug.

It’s doing the normal things that are killing me at the moment. I had to come home last night to feed the cat. I’ve got to go shopping this morning, to pick up his contacts and a few other household things. If I eat at home, I’ve got to do the dishes. I’ve got to do the laundry. My grandparents actually cleaned the house for us on Thursday night after I’d left with him to go to the hospital. They’d had to clean up the mess anyway, and stayed on to clean the rest of the house. But it’s just a relief to come home and not have the untidy living room or kitchen to deal with.

Also - it’s That Time of The Month. Thank you hormones. No, I mean really.

He wants me to come back and spend as much time as possible in the hospital with him. I’m hoping this will mean that he will then ask me for the details of the drug & alcohol counselling service so that he can go.

But right now it’s one day at a time.

58

As long as he’s in the ICU, he’s not going anywhere, so go ahead and do what you need to do.

I really can’t advise you on what to do with his parents. If it were my kid, I’d want to know. But if you think telling them will hurt more than help, then I’d respect his wishes. When was the last time he spoke to them? Does he have any brothers or sisters?

You’re right, one day at a time. When he’s out of the woods you can lay down the law, and the consequences thereof if he doesn’t get the help he needs.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

59

I honestly do think telling his parents will lead to him shutting down on me, because he has expressly told me not to tell them. It wasn’t a hint, it was “Do not call my parents”

He’s got a younger sister who’s about nineteen, nearly twenty. He’s really, really not close to her. The seven year age gap meant they never really got on, and she’s always been a little princess to their parents whilst he’s always felt tolerated but not really loved.

I’m hoping the time in hospital will help him get the junk out of his system, so that when he comes home, he’ll find it easier to keep off it. That means, however, that I’m going to have to go through the house before he comes home and find all of it and get rid of it.

60

I mean this question gently: Did he (or you) tell the hospital how much ibuprofen he was taking during those previous admissions?