I'm wanted by the FBI!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Got this in my spambox today:

*Federal Bureau of Investigation
Intelligence Field Unit
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.

URGENT ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY

I AM SPECIAL AGENT JOHN EDWARD FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) INTELLIGENCE UNIT, WE HAVE JUST INTERCEPTED AND CONFISCATED TWO (2) TRUNK BOXES AT JFK AIRPORT IN NEW YORK, AND ARE ON THE VERGE OF MOVING IT TO OUR BUREAU HEAD QUARTERS.

WE HAVE SCANNED THE SAID BOXES, AND HAVE FOUND IT TO CONTAIN A TOTAL SUM OF $4.1 MILLION AND ALSO BACKUP DOCUMENT WHICH BEARS YOUR NAME AS THE RECEIVER OF THE MONEY CONTAINED IN THE BOXES, INVESTIGATIONS CARRIED OUT ON THE DIPLOMAT WHICH ACCOMPANIED THE BOXES INTO THE UNITED STATES HAS IT THAT HE WAS TO DELIVER THIS FUNDS TO YOUR RESIDENCE AS PAYMENT WHICH WAS DUE YOU FROM THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN NIGERIA FROM UNPAID CONTRACT SUMS.

WE CROSS-CHECKED ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTATION IN THE BOXES, AND WERE ABOUT TO RELEASE THE CONSIGNMENT TO THE DIPLOMAT,WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THE BOXES IS LACKING ONE VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTATION WHICH AS A RESULT, THE BOXES HAS BEEN CONFISCATED.

ACCORDING TO SECTION 229 SUBSECTION 31 OF THE 1991 CONSTITUTION IN TAX PAYMENT, YOUR CONSIGNMENT LACKS PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM THE JOINT TEAM OF THE IRS AND HOMELAND SECURITY, AND THERE FOR, YOU MUST CONTACT US FOR DIRECTION ON HOW TO PROCURE THIS CERTIFICATE, SO THAT YOU CAN BE RELIEVED OF THE CHARGES OF EVADING TAX WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE UNDER SECTION 12 SUBSECTION 441 OF CONSTITUTION ON TAX EVASION.

YOU ARE THEREFORE REQUIRED TO GET BACK TO ME ON THIS EMAIL WITHIN 72HOURS, SO THAT I WILL GUIDE YOU ON HOW TO GET THE NEEDED DOCUMENT. FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH OUR DIRECTIVE MAY LEAD YOU INTO PROBLEM, YOU WILL BE ARRESTED, INTERROGATED AND PROSECUTED IN THE COURT OF LAW FOR MONEY LAUNDRY.

WE MAY ALSO GET THE FINANCIAL ACTION TASK FORCE ON MONEY LAUNDERING (FATF) INVOLVED IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTIONS. YOU ARE ALSO ADVISED NOT TO GET IN CONTACT WITH ANY BANK IN AFRICA, EUROPE OR ANY OTHER INSTITUTION, AS YOUR FUND ARE HERE NOW IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

YOURS IN SERVICE

Agent John Edward
Regional Director
Federal Bureau of Investigation
*

(I removed the spammer’s email address–think there’s a board rule about that.)

I’m guessing budget cuts have forced the FBI to conduct criminal investigations by Hotmail, and that the CONSTITUTION IN TAX PAYMENT must be part of the Patriot Act.

This sounds serious. I’m charged with Money Laundry. Whatever shall I do?
:smiley:

2

Wait - John Edward isn’t a psychic any longer? He’s working for the FBI? Or he’s now a psychic working for the FBI. That should save them a fortune in investigating costs - he can just tell them where the bad guys are! Very cool.

3

Holy shit! I’d contact then immediately; be sure to have your bank information and passport handy!

4

What are trunk boxes? Are they boxes that trunks come in? This is truly a mystery.

5

Go for it!
How often do you have a diplomat deliver 4.1 million dollars to your house?

6

That money is supposed to be mine. Give it to me immediately or you will be charged with even more bad things.

7

Indeed.

8

Hey I got one of those too. I guess they’re on to us

9

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders.
Cases of Diplomatic Smuggling from Nigeria, however, are settled by “THE COURT OF LAW FOR MONEY LAUNDRY”. These are their stories…
doink doink

10

Get the SOAP our for god’s sake.

11

Well, if you wait another month or so, I can totally help you out. See, I have this uncle I never knew and he left me $5 million dollars in his will. The money is tied up in probate, but I have this awesome lawyer (barrister, actually) from Nigeria who is helping me out.

12

Earlier today I saw a guy walking around who was disguised as a construction worker, but his t-shirt that said FBI blew his cover. You want me to ask him about this?

13

That sounds likes just the guy I need to help me put a positive spin cycle on this money laundry charge.

14

Be sure to get all your documentations from OFFICE OF FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN NIGERIA ready in case you have to prove ownership.

15

You surely don’t want to tangle with the FINANCIAL ACTION TASK FORCE ON MONEY LAUNDERING (FATF). Especially the French Fry guy.

16

Flee the country! It’s your only hope!!

17

Fear not, Oakminster. Robert Mueller himself just recently contacted me to assure me that some financial transactions that I don’t recall initiating are, in fact, totally legit. Once I have secured my $8 million, I will bring your current troubles to his attention. Based on his belief that “this notification met you in a very good present state of mind and health” he seems like quite the caring fellow and I am sure we can work something out.

18

Ya know, periodically I wonder at the continued existence of these things. I say to myself, who would possibly fall for such poorly worded and plotted scams?

Then it hit me. They’re constructed this way on purpose. It’s a way of qualifying people. If you are so ignorant and feeble minded that this seems plausible to you, you’re the one they want to talk to. They make it so that anyone with the least amount of intelligence will instantly dismiss the message and they don’t run the risk of being contacted by someone above the minimum intelligence threshold. They would just be a waste of time and a possible source of trouble.

Now it all makes perfect sense.

19

Typical FBI bullshit… italicizing threats in capital letters.

20

Hell, they called me. Now, I’m not 100% why the US Government would call me, particularly from the agency of <mumble mumble thick accent> Revenue Investigation to handle my unclaimed grant money for college (I graduated last year and did have several FAFSAs and grants and scholarships in the last three years).

But heck, free money, amirite? I had to repeat my social security number and bank account numbers a few times because it was hard to understand. I’m not sure if it was a problem not understanding each other’s accents or that it was a call originating from what appeared to be Italy, but he was really nice.