On the subject of tormenting cats, when the fuzzy black land shark is within arm’s reach, and I see him squinch his eyes, put his ears back, and open his mouth in a huge yawn, I will occasionally stick my finger in his mouth. To be specific, across his mouth, like a bit for a horse, so when he finishes his yawn and closes his mouth he finds a finger in it. He makes this hilarious little urk noise and then glares at me. Heh heh.
[/QUOTE]
Ahhhhhhh, yes, I did forget that little trick, I’m going to hell for that, too. Sometimes I do the “bit” thing, but sometimes I wait until their little mouths are open as wiiiiiiide as they can get them… then reach in quickly and just barely touch the tip of their tongue. They slam their mouths shut and make a funny “nyeh nyeh nyeh” chewing sound for a couple of seconds, lick their noses and give me the evil eye.
It’s a wonder they still talk to me. I’m such a jerk to those poor cats. They get me back quite often, however… I’ve been beaned by toy mice, hit by doors being pushed open by the oldest one believing herself to be a great jack-in-the-box, have my ice cream eaten (and bowl licked clean) if I dare leave it for a moment, been tripped, scratched, poked, rudely awoken, howled at, scared to death, walked in on in the bathroom, clothes ruined, sofas ruined, dinnerware broken, plants killed…
At work, there’s a chaplain. He plays the guitar. I asked if he takes requests, so I told him to play “Respect” by Aretha Franklin. He looked puzzled, so I explained that a nun in the movie Airplane! plays that song and it’d be funny if he did. He seemed excited about the prospect of learning a new song.
DANCE FOR ME, PUPPET! DO MY BIDDING! MAKE WITH THE MUSIC AND GIVE ME THE HAPPY! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
[QUOTE=Martini Enfield]
As I read this, I had a mental image of a Western Saloon bar in a movie:
INT: A typical Western Saloon, c.1889. A honky tonk piano is playing in the background, and several patrons are enjoying drinks at tables.
Enter Cerberus, who take a seat at the bar
Bartender: What can I get for you?
Cerberus: A tumbler of your finest sippin’ whiskey, thanks.
Bartender: Coming right up.
Bartender produces tumbler and bottle of whiskey, and pours a drink for Cerberus
Bartender: There you are. So, what brings you to town?
Cerberus: Well, I’m a Mathematics teacher. Thought I might see if the schoolmarm needed help teaching the kids mathematics.
Other people in the saloon recoil in horror. One of the saloon girls faints. The piano music suddenly stops. Sound of chairs scraping as several men suddenly stand up from their tables and draw revolvers
Cerberus: What? Was it something I said?
[/QUOTE]
Gunfighter: Mathematics, huh? Well… spit … lemme show you some [i
triggernometry*.
[QUOTE=Cervaise]
On the subject of tormenting cats, when the fuzzy black land shark is within arm’s reach, and I see him squinch his eyes, put his ears back, and open his mouth in a huge yawn, I will occasionally stick my finger in his mouth. To be specific, across his mouth, like a bit for a horse, so when he finishes his yawn and closes his mouth he finds a finger in it. He makes this hilarious little urk noise and then glares at me. Heh heh.
[/QUOTE]
Look of surprise, yeah. When my cat is power sleeping I sneak up a wave a piece of tunafish under his nose. By the time he wakes up in bewilderment, I and the tuna are across the room: “What?”
We had a dog who could roll over on command, but he always rolled to the same side. So I’d take him out on the hill…
Once in the restaurant kitchen I threatened to throw a dinner plate frisbee style at a coworker. He knew I was bluffing, but as soon as he glanced away, I picked a plastic lid of the same size and color and flung that.
I did the same thing with a busboy, threatening to smash a raw egg on his head and substituting a boiled one at the last second.
