It is my understanding that in any marriage or any relationship there comes a time when one of you must carry your mate emotionally. If you have been with someone for any length of time you will know what I am talking about. It happens in just about all relationships at one time or another. When one of you feels like everything is going wrong and the rain doesn’t seem to be stopping.
I see marriages and longterm relationships as being a partnership in life. The person standing next to you is the one you share your inner most being with and the one who knows everything about you. There is comfort in this person, they know just what makes you happy and just what can hurt you the most.
I think marriages and relationships ebb and flow like a mountain stream when it touches the ocean…sometimes they travel along smooth as ever not a hitch or confusion to mar the way just pure and simple. Then there are times when the elevation changes in the river and a waterfall forms and the way changes.
Sometimes people deal very nicely with change other times they resist it like the plague. When one of you is down in the pits of dispair how does the other pick you up? How long do they carry you? I’ve had long periods of time in my marriage where things are progressing just fine. Work, home, health, happiness all in synch. And other times - like when I left a career in academia - when things just don’t go as planned. My wife was there for me every step of the way when I made the transition.
We had some tense times but in all everything went nicely. The tables happen to be turning and life is stepping in yet again with some confusion and disarray. My wife is in a high paying position that she absolutley hates, and for this woman that is not a normal occurance. I feel so bad because I know she worked her ass off for this position, she is a regional director for Large Corporation X. She fought to not have to travel and the company said fine…she fought to get the position she is in and the company gave it to her, and now she hates it and this hatred is spilling into our lives. It’s tough because I respect her and her decision to the highest degree, right now in life I have to be her rock. The stone that doesn’t waver and will not change. But dag nabbit this isn’t easy.
Take a strong career woman, add a pinch of hormones, a large solid oak biological clock and mix in some good old fashioned raw New Foundland ancestry and you get a woman who can knock down mountains… Did I say hormones were involved?
So what do you do when you have to hold up your SO?
It depends on the partner, choices that you or she has made, and dumb luck. In my last relationship, I had to be a rock pretty much all of the time. Dealing with her stalker, her very stressful job, her verbally abusive sister, and her slowly dying mother pretty much became a full time job. I helped out by just being there, listening, and not being a whiny pussy.
He calms me down when my parents have me about ready to scream.
I make all the calming clucking noises and ask the leading questions when he is waffling and stressing over the idea of accepting a new job offer.
He calms me down (see a trend?) when the whirlwind of putting the house up for sale, because of said job offer, drives me to distraction.
A mug of hot chocolate and a neck rub, and I’m ready to meet the world again.
Just a personal anecdote/suggestion about supporting each other and family planning from a totally recovered type-A woman. (My daughter gave me a card last year that states “I’m thinking of becoming a mentor for people who want to be less responsible”).
Maybe now is the time to bite the bullet and start a family. Recognize, that it is never going to be the “right” time. I got preggers when I had a job I loved and planned to go right back to work after sinkid number 1 was born. At the time MrSin and I, both professionals, made almost exactly the same amount of money. After the sinkid was born I found I couldn’t leave him with a sitter and called Mrsin in tears and told him I had to quit working. He responded that if I wasn’t quitting he was. He totally supported me thru the rough times I had losing my sense of identity as a career professional. And our income was reduced by 1/2.
Several months later Mrsin said he wanted to change jobs because he traveled so much the sinkid didn’t know him. I supported him and we ended up moving across the country and our income was reduced by at least another 1/3. Within one year we went from taking great vacations, buying whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it and having sports cars to living week to week, one Datsun 310 and Mrsin taking the bus to work. But life was good.
Several years and another sinkid later I went back to school, at Mrsin’s suggestion, got a PhD and got into academia. Life was even better. No regrets.
My advice is–Don’t wait too long to do the family thing if that’s what you both want. Maybe your wife just needs to know that it’s ok to take a detour off the career track and live life. Sometimes I think we A-type women think we have to keep doing it all or we’re some type of failure. It’s ok to be less responsible!! I could be her mentor.
Wow sounds familiar Sinjin… Do you two know each other?
She has toyed with the idea of completely getting out of the career schtick and just settling down. I can support us both right now but we were/are making the same types od decisions - Nice house, toys etc…etc… It’s nice to hear others anecdotes though.
My husband pretty carried me emotionally (and financially, to be honest) for years. Let’s say between the ages of 19 and 23. Now, I’m doing all right, and a lot of that is because of his strength. I said on our wedding day, ‘‘Because you have accepted me at my very worst, I vow to give you my very best.’’ And I think I have succeeded in that vow so far. Only people very close to me truly understand the depth of his support for me. I was a very sick girl, and sometimes I’m still a little nutty, let’s be honest.
Currently, he is the one needing a lot of support, as he is going through the graduate school applications process, tearing his hair out daily and frankly becoming as neurotic as myself in the process. I have been really stressed out myself with my new job which has a high demand on my time and emotional energy. I have managed to support him, though. One particularly stressful night recently I went grocery shopping for him while he stayed home to work on his applications, then I gave him a long back rub. What is meaningful about this, to me, is how much I didn’t really want to do it due to my own exhaustion. But once I did it, it felt good and right, and it was restorative to me.
And that’s exactly what love is – action, not feelings. So I’m proud of us. We’ve really figured out how to be supportive to one another even when we’re both going through a hard time. Sometimes it helps to realize it’s not something you’re facing alone… this grad school thing, while his responsibility, is something we’re facing together.
I love the OP because you clearly care so much about your wife and have a clear understanding of what she’s going through as well as her emotional needs. Relationships are give-and-take… but it really is an honor and a pleasure once you’ve got it all figured out.
Just remember that you can get off the treadmill for a couple of years and then get back on it, or choose to get on a totally different one. Life may be thermodynamically irreversible but it’s infinitely changable. We did another life change six years ago and both stopped working/researching during the summer. Less money, less chance of promotion and glory but way more satisfaction.
We have picked each other up by standing by each other, never turning against one another, and helping in any way possible for the other person to get past the particular issue.
How long do they carry you? As long as it takes. If help from someone else is needed, you get it. (To me), the part of marriage I love and trust is that I have someone here that is there for me (and I for him) no matter what the situation is. I’m never alone, ever. There is always someone there that I can rely on to get through tough times and celebrate good times and he has the same.
In case anyone comes in and says “OMG you must be honeymooners!” as I’ve heard people say before when I’ve expressed sentiments like this, we’ll be married for 10 years in March and have been together for 14 years. And have had some extremely difficult times. Marriage is hard but it’s worth it, IMHO.
Fortunately neither of us need it too often, but it’s nice to know we’ve got each other’s backs.
