In this day and age, why on earth do wives still take their husband's last name?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Wow lots of very strong opinions on this one :slight_smile:

When I was a little girl my father always told me this: Until you are married this is your family and we are your priority. On the day you get married your husband becomes your family and your priority. My father viewed me as his property and as his property he could do with me what he would. And he did. No 4 year old should ever have to perform sexual favors for her father. Ever.

The day after I got married (to a wonderful man who treats me awesome!) I went to city hall and changed my name. I gave up a name that belonged to a man who hurt me my whole life to take the name of the man who is my present and my future.

My husband and I created a family of our own the day we married and we’re busy growing our little family today. I like that we all share the same last name. We’re all in this together. I don’t like the whole hyphenating thing as in a couple of generations it would get unwieldy. Besides I want nothing that was my father’s!

Oh and I do know one guy that took his wife’s name. Whatever works for you.

I’ve seen the word feminist pop up a lot. Unfortunately in my limited experience with other women/feminists they have taken what I thought was a great idea - all women should have the choice to persue whatever future they want – and have bastardized this to mean – all women should persue a career and should view men very warily!

I chose my husband. I chose his name. I chose to stay home and raise our children. I chose a rather traditional life for myself. We are happy, the munchkin is happy! Yet many women frown on my choises and I have been told that I am setting the women’s movement back 50 years.

I think this is a personal decision and that there is no right answer. While my name is not all of who I am as a person it is connected to my identity. I should be allowed to express this identity as I want to. There are so many options out there and taking my husband’s name is one of them. I would never fault anyone’s decision on what they want their name to become. Please don’t fault mine.

Maybe if the hyphenated thing does catch on then those silly forms where you only get 12 blocks to put your last name in will have to change?! just a random thought

82

I’m posting this before I finish reading the thread, so someone may have already covered it, but my cousin (whose child’s father wanted nothing to do with her or their child) said that she had to give her daughter the father’s name in order to get him for child support.

I don’t know if this is true or not, but yours is a question I’ve asked before . . .

Any answers I had to the OP have been covered already, but I do have one other thing to say (having just scrolled down a teench and seen the last post in this thread):

Tanookie, I am truly, truly sorry to hear about the awful things your father did to you. But this and your other posts demonstrate that you have found a wonderful, loving man with whom to build a life, and for that I’m happy. :slight_smile:

83

Thanks auntie em! I’m pretty happy about it too :slight_smile: I’ve learned how life is really supposed to be lived!

84

Anoter vote for “didn’t like the last name at birth…”

When my wife and I got married, I made it very clear to her that I didn’t mind if she kept her last name, took mine, switched to HerLastName-Steinhardt, Steinhardt-HerLastName, changed it to "The Best Most Wonderful Wife In The World, " etc. In the end she took my last name because a) she didn’t like her last name and b) She did like mine (despite the clunky counter-intuitive silent ‘d’).

Zev Steinhardt

85

ELO?
REO? (Speedwagon)
REM?
ODB? (Ol’ Dirty Bastard)
BSB? (Backstreet Boys)
NKOTB?

:smiley:

86

I didn’t take Mr. Snicks last name. Why? I was one of the apparent few who did view my last name as part of my identity. I wasn’t an “x,” never had been - I was a “y” and didn’t want to change my last name to “x.” Plus, I’m practical - it’s a lot of paperwork and hassle to change it around.

Was there pressure? You bet - mostly from his family and him. Now, he’s not the type to say “change it or the wedding’s off,” and it’s no big deal to him now, but I think he would’ve rather I had. Why? Tradition, of course. However, he couldn’t fathom my explanations of why it wasn’t right for me to change - “it’s tradition,” he said. He just couldn’t see it, but of course, no one was asking him to change his name.

My mother, still legally married to Dad, changed her name back to her maiden name long ago (early 1980s). Why? She never felt she was a “y” and wanted to be her “z.” My brother and sister and I were all in school, and they never had a problem with it (it was a small town, however). We never had a problem with it - we didn’t see it as any sort of betrayal or that she wasn’t a part of the family any more at all. Neither did Dad. Kids and people are pretty resilient (sp?).

If Mr. Snicks and I ever have kids (which, right now, isn’t on the plate), they’ll probably have his name. Why? Dunno - maybe 'cuz that’s how it’s done mostly. I’m not too worried, and I think my kid’s will take it in stride.

Snicks

87

Why do I think you have issues?
Are you serious? let me bold a fe things for you:

Your post, had it been asked in a more intellegent way (Why do women still change their name?) would have been recieved better. Instead, you make blanket statements regarding men. You make men out to be lazy pigs. You also offend the mentally ill (This seems so freaking retarded to me.). Lovely.

I don’t see how keeping yor name or not keeping it is oppressive. Or, for that matter, any of your business.

I think that alone speaks volumes.
I am also curious as to what you do exactly, to promote your causes (getting rid of Burquas, spreading the word that a woman doesn’t have to be oppressed by the evil man’s last name, etc) other than posting on a message board?

I would also like to hear your views regarding getting married at all. One needn’t in 2003.

88

I meant to add:

In short, what bothers me the most about your post is that you infer that all men are basically (still) macho pigs. You then go on to call women who make certain choices stupid.

Basically, unless one agrees with your ideologies, one is a pig or stupid. This is why I think you have issues.

89

I chose (yes, chose - was not coerced, pressured, or threatened in any way) to take my husband’s name when I got married. I think your implication that I am brainwashed or like an oppressed woman who has to wear a burka is partly hilarious and partly :rolleyes:.

If it is a choice then what’s the problem? You seem to be advocating taking away the choice and pressuring women to keep thier maiden names, which is no better. The point is women can pick the name they want for themselves, and isn’t that the best option?

Marriage is about being equal partners, but that does not mean we have to constantly reciprocate evenly for each other. If I show my love and devotion to my husband by taking his name, and he shows his for me in other ways, why does it matter that they are different methods? Marriage is not about keeping score, like “I did this for you now you have to do the same equivalent for me.” In fact, sometimes I even show my love for my husband without expecting anything in return! And he does the same for me! It’s pretty sad if people start viewing marriage as a tit-for-tat exchange.

I took my husbands name, partly because I like the name, partly because he was hoping I would (but would not call off the wedding if I didn’t), and partly because of tradition. I think it’s great when other people choose otherwise, and among my married friends it’s about half-and-half who chose one name or the other. I call them what they want to be called, and don’t assume anything about their own choices.

90

Maybe this is why many women take on their husband’s last name - so that people won’t make incorrect and judgemental assumptions about their married status, the status of their children, and so forth, hmm?

For those out there who insist that hyphenation will eventually lead to descendants with 8 names in their surname, I refer you to various Central/South American countries (can’t remember which offhand, sorry), where people have two (non-hyphenated) surnames, and their children are given one from each. I’m sure most folks who run into this situation will come up with a similar compromise.

For the record, I hyphenated (making my surname even longer and harder to spell/pronounce than before, woo! :smiley: ), and my husband and I do not plan to have children.

91

This time, I’m following YOU, tanookie…

(We must have similar interests… ya think?)

I have my own name. Or, rather, my step-dad’s name. My husband’s name sounded stupid with my first name, and changing back to my birth name seemed too much a pain in the butt. I never planned to change my name, but was willing to consider it because my huband’s family has a strong family process, which I would be happy to honor by adopting the name, and by comparison, I didn’t even USE my own family name. But I wasn’t going there if it didn’t work for me, myself. And it didn’t (we both laughed when we tried out my name with his…).

So far, everyone I know who has been married recently has at least thought about the issue. Even those who are traditionalists at heart, even the ones I wouldn’t call anything like approaching feminist, have considered the implications, history, and current social practice (around here, a huge number do not change their names, especially if they have a professional presence established). Having considered the options, choosing then becomes a matter of internal process, not a matter of external trappings. And that is acceptable to me - it isn’t the trappings, it is the process that makes it appropriate.

Other points:

  1. The process of the decision says more about feminism or not than the outcome. If a woman chooses to relocate the family after her husband’s job makes a location change, does it make a difference if they discussed it as equals, determined benefits and costs to both of them, and determined the action based on the needs of the whole family, rather than him just saying ‘we’re moving for my job, and who cares about your career, you’re just a woman’? The process, not the outcome, is the issue.

  2. Knowledge is the power, here. I don’t know anyone who is unaware of the history of name changes for marriage, who doesn’t know that it was traditional for women to not have power in marriage, and most of them have been able to make the connection that the one with the power didn’t change his name. Even the most traditional women I know understand that. Knowing that and still choosing what works for them isn’t ignorance. Not knowing is ignorance.

  3. I also don’t know anyone who is unaware of the other options. Every new bride where I work is asked whether she is keeping her name, hypnenating, etc. Guys get asked this, too (though less, in part, because they’re still assumed to care less about the trappings of marriage). Choice is available, openly discussed, and issues compared. Choice is part of feminism.

  4. Cultural traditions do not carry the same meaning from one generation to the next. Each generation reinterprets for themselves. Trappings are maintained or discarded because they resonate to something in our history, personally. They reflect something, or bring a sense of continuity, nostalgia, or memory of something good. Applying tradition is a way of saying “I am connected to you” to the past. It is a way of saying “I hope to be connected to the future” as well. Name choice in particular, as it has implications for future generations. The choice isn’t a ‘whatever’ for many people for that very reason. It is chosen, with the meaning each person applies. There’s nothing bad about honoring the personal part of tradition, if it has meaning to you. Nothing wrong with dumping it if it doesn’t, too.

I did not take my husband’s name. Implying that my choice is better than tanookie’s, by the outward pattern alone, is just plain wrong. We each examined the choice at hand, and made the choice that expressed our experiences, matched our situation, and felt right and appropriate. Going with what felt right to us, regardless of what others might think of it, is the most feminist position, is it not? If the OP was raging against women being made to take someone else’s name without regard to what it meant to them, I’d be right there with you. But it seems that the outward trappings are what this OP was about, not the process, the implications, the personal meaning, or the individual freedom to choose.

92

Where, oh where is birdgirl ? Come back and play! Or have you taken your ball and gone home?

  1. As stated above: you SHOULD have stated the question more intelligently.

  2. Your age is showing (or should I say your youth ?)

  3. My husband and I had our first son before we were married and I DID give our son his father’s last name. I made this choice because with my husband, it has NEVER been about planting a seed and not owning up to his fatherly responsibilities. He is God’s gift to fatherhood and an excellent husband and PROVIDER and killer of all bugs !!! Hell, I’ve thought about taking his name TWICE.

Bottom line, I am BEYOND secure in who I am to myself and who I am to our children. No name dictates that. And, as also stated above, have a unified family name makes living in American society MUCH easier in an already difficult world.

93

I’m a little sorry to see feminism getting, for lack of a better phrase, hated on :smiley: around here. The real thing IS about choices, it’s individuals who sometimes don’t live up to that. Don’t confuse the people with the ideas, you know? As far as the origin of the custom, birdgirl isn’t wrong, and I don’t think she’s off-base to ask why women are expected to make sacrifices like these. Her tone and phrasing were way too aggressive, but the issue itself is valid and interesting to discuss. I may not have mentioned earlier that one option my girlfriend and I are considering is finding a last name we like and both taking that, so it’s led to some thoughts we’ve seen on this thread.

94

My friends, Ms Brendon and Mr Seagal, married and become the Brendalls. Kinda nice alternative

Also a friend who was asian, where it’s typical for the woman to keep her family name, married a guy from Alabama. She changed her maiden name to her first name and took his last name. So she just dropped her given name. Different, but works for her.

Changing or not changing… It only really matters to those people who are involved. It’s ultimately their choice.

95

I just have to chime back in here and say Great post hedra!

96

I’ve thought about this quite a bit over the years and two marriages.
Marriage #1: Hyphenated my last name, hyphenated the kids’ names, and changed mine back to my maiden name when we divorced. The main reason I didn’t change it to his name was his flat insistence that I must. Riiiiight.
Marriage #2: Kept my last name, no hyphenation. Hyphenated the kids’ last names. I considered that I might change my last name when we hit 10 years together.
We didn’t get there. I still use my last name exclusively.

Now: I will say that I would consider changing my last name, should I ever marry again. IF: I meet the man of my dreams, if I like his name better than mine, and if everything seems to come together to support my doing so…then sure. Why not?
I also must admit that while I once believed changing my last name meant giving up my identity, etc–now it has become fairly clear to me that my father’s surname doesn’t MEAN anything to me. He hasn’t spoken to me in over two years, hasn’t seen my kids in that long, and basically has nothing good to say about me…why on EARTH am I carrying his last name around?

Shoot! I’m a poet, aren’t I? Maybe I should just invent a new name for myself!

97

I kept my birth name when I married Mr. S. He actually preferred this, since he had dated another “Scarlett” briefly and didn’t want people to think he had married THAT bitch. :smiley:

It surprised some people, especially those who know that I don’t particularly care for my father. “Why would you keep his name if you don’t like him?”

News flash: It’s not HIS name. It’s MY name, given to me when I was born. It just happens to be the same. And quite frankly, I feel that I have more in common with his family (my aunts and uncles) than with my mother’s side.

To the people who say, “But don’t you LOVE your husband enough to take his name?” I say, “Uh, no, not really.” The looks on their faces are priceless.

We do occasionally use a combination of our surnames for fun (on invitations, labeling potluck dishes, etc.) but never in public, as it’s too long to be practical.

I do wish more women would join my little club, but names are so personal that I would never dream of judging someone for her choice of name.

98

And another thing:

Not in my case. I don’t mean my dad carried my sister or me, but he was always there, and my parents BOTH raised us together. Neither of them did more work than the other.

Plus, I know men who cared more for their children than their wives. My neighbor is one of them-their mother is out of their lives and it’s probably for the best.

99

Thinking this over, I would be overjoyed to meet an accomplished, busy, wealthy woman and change my last name to hers. Yeah, my buddies can call me Mr. HerLastName if they ever want to get invited to my parties at her estate.

The idea of supporting a woman in her career sounds okay to me.

100

hedra, great post. I agree entirely that it’s the process, not the outcome, that’s important.

Incidentally, our unusual name decision has led to some interesting attempts at addressing envelopes. I just got a wedding invite addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname/Mylastname.” There was actually a slash in our names! Well, it’s the thought that counts. :slight_smile:

FWIW, the most proper way to address something to us would be “Mr. Hisfirstname Hislastname-Mylastname and Ms. Myfirstname Mylastname,” either on one line or two. But I don’t really care, as long as things aren’t addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. That drives me batty! (unless it comes from someone elderly.)