I might get flamed for this, but I feel I must speak up.
I wholeheartedly agree with the response of “It’s not misogynistic because it’s a choice”. Here’s my choice: I am a Daddy’s girl - an only child. You know, one of those girls who is extremely close to her mother, who screams at her but cries in her arms, etc., but who also loves her daddy just because he’s her daddy, and they have a connection. I don’t understand it, but that’s the way a lot of girls work - and there’s nothing wrong with that. My father passed away a couple of years ago, and my mother remarried. So you’d think I’d want to keep my name, just for those reasons alone.
But I don’t. When I get married, I’m not submitting myself to my husband, but I am submitting myself to my family, and to my future children. If the future husband despises his name and wants to change it to mine, sure. Either way, I want to have the same last name. I have no problem giving up my daddy’s name, because to me, it’s like a passing of the torch. Whose name is given up is irrelevant. “I once was a member of this family, and my husband was a member of that family, and now we have moved into a new family.” As to why my preference is with his name, it’s an issue of both tradition and an uncomplicated lineage.
To me, this gives any future daughters their chance to be Daddy’s girls, too. And besides, my current last name is a boy’s first name - Anthony. There will be no question what the first son’s name will be.
This may very well be the case, but I honestly would like to see some backup, to know how/if we know this for a fact. I don’t necessarily see the connection between giving someone your name and considering them your property. I mean, I don’t go around gving all my property my last name.
Bye now, I’m feeling a bit hungry. I’m going to go look in Refrigerator Boink and see if I can find Sandwich Boink.
For us,
it was a discussion, then a choice. She could choose to be a godless heathen bearing bastard children, or take my name and have some respect.
so, it’s all about choices.
Kidding, kidding.
We did have a discussion, shared opinions, in the end I left it up to her, she went with what felt most comfortable, a mexican prayer series of last names in her own tradition. Like: Maria Conchita De rapppatatipipatapatarito y sanchez, amen.
When I’m out with Mr. Reckon and we’re intorduced with the same last name, no one hits on me. But this happens all the time to my “Married but using my single name” friends, even when they are wearing wedding rings. It’s a question of whether you are committed to the marriage.
I notice that some people want to see this whole question in terms of power and oppression. But there is another perspective.
Personality theory often identifies people who are “traditionalists”. They like the status quo, and prefer to do things the way their parents and community have always done them. They are not explorers or rebels.
There may be a genetic component of such personality traits, and there is even some speculation that first-born children tend to be more traditional in temperment than the second or third child in a family.
Such personality traits may have nothing to do with brainwashing, being retarded, or unfair oppression.
Being married but continuing to use my maiden name, and all that.
I even started a business with my maiden name, even though I’m married.
In some cases, sure, it’s a matter of commitment.
In other cases, it’s not. In any way, shape, or form. I’m utterly committed to my marriage, and there’s no reason that I should change my name just to prove it.
Either Mr Wolf believes me, or he doesn’t. I, frankly, don’t give a damn whether anyone else believes that commitment or not. After all, it’s Mr Wolf I married. Not anyone else.
It’s a choice about what you want your name to be. Maybe for you it’s a question of whether you are committed. If someone is getting hit on, maybe it’s not their fault, but the fault of the idiot who is ignoring the wedding ring and the partner by their side?
If someone is planning to cheat on their spouse and deliberately does not take his name to make it easier to get hit on, well, there’s other problems with that marriage. I have a hard time believing that is the reason why most (or any) women make that choice.
Hmmmm. Sounds like what you’re saying here is that the type of woman who wouldn’t change her last name after marriage is somehow destined to become old, bitter and alone, or that they deserve to become old, bitter and alone.
This is precisely the attitude I am complaining about. Thanks for illustrating it for me.
And what about all the other attitudes expressed here? It looks like you’re so determined to be angry about this that you’re ignoring any information that doesn’t fit your preconceptions.
Why has this “tradition” developed for a woman take the man’s name? Please explain this to me. What is the reason behind this? Why do we still go along with it?
Once we know this, then we can begin the type of philosophical discussion I was hoping to have.
Up until now, all I have gotten are lame arguments like:
“Because they want to. They have a choice.”
'It’s tradition."
“No one is holding a gun to their head.”
“Why do you care what other people do?”
“For the sake of family unity.”
These answers aren’t really getting to the heart of the matter. Let’s dig a little deeper.
Actually I have considered changing my name to include my mother’s maiden name.
This is not my big issue. It’s just something that always bothered me that I thought I would put forth for discussion. In and of itself, it may not be a huge deal. But it is what the practice is illustrative of that bothers me.
HORSESHIT. The enitre post. The phrase “married but using my single name,” the commitment comment, the whole thing.
[deletes unflattering speculation as to real reason poster isn’t hit on]
Your friends are married, therefore whatever name they go by is, in fact, their married name. To say they are using their “single name” is judgemental and incredibly disrespectful, as was your little dig about the commitment level of their marriages.
I started a thread about just this subject right after Christmas, when I couldn’t make people quit addressing me by Dr.J’s last name. Trust me, not changing your name when you marry can be enough to make you feel like Rodney Dangerfield; you get no respect for your choice except from your husband. Horrified little gasps, people “forgetting” that you aren’t changing your name, “helpful” suggestions that you keep your name legally but use his socially, it’s enough to drive someone insane, it really is.
I never understood why everyone else got so bent out of shape over my choice. I mean, no one cared what my name was a year before that, and we were just as connected and committed to one another then as we are now. We were spiritually and emotionally and physically married years before we were legally married, but somehow a piece of paper makes it necessary for me to “prove” my commitment to him? Give me a break.
I did briefly consider changing my last name to his so everyone would know that we were a unit, but he wasn’t willing to have “Property of CrazyCatJ” tattooed on his forehead so everyone would know we were a unit, so the negotiations kind of fell through.
This thread belongs in Great Debates, because you are neither humble in your opinion, nor are you in the least bit interested in anyone else’s opinion. If you have any intellectual integrity (and I see no evidence yet that you do) you will clearly proclaim what you do believe, and allow your views to be x-rayed by the Great Debaters.
Post your views there and end this charade of pretending to seek other people’s opinions.
The guy gets the glory so he’ll stick around. You may have missed this but the whole point of marriage is to raise a family. (Debatable? Maybe.) You see guys don’t have to be around for gals to actually give birth or raise the kids. Seems like a small price to pay to avoid the court costs for child support. And, hey, you might get lucky and he’ll actually be around when the kids are growing up. Oddly, I’ve heard some kids like that.
Ok, BNB, let me try to explain. I didn’t use the term "retarded’ to mean a mentally-challenged person, or whatever the PC term is that is used today. The definition of “retarded” is: A slowing down or hindering of progress; a delay. This term fits the practice perfectly, IMHO. That should have been clear from the context of my post. And by the way, I never said anything about men being lazy pigs. I did not say this and I do not believe this, so please don’t put words into my mouth.
Who says that I have to do anything? When did it become a requirement that in order to post a complaint on the SDMB, that you have to be somehow actively involved in promoting your cause." Or that you have no right to speak out over something unless you have some sort of activism on your resume? And once again, I never said anything about men being evil. What posts are you reading?
I’m all for marriage. It’s a show of love and unity that does not involve one party having to give up something of value to them. To me, my family heritage is something of immense value. Husbands may come and go, but your family remains, and I am proud of my family.
You’re right Marley23, maybe I was a little too agressive in my tone. And I guess I am not really sure why this thing gets me riled up. I am not a feminist. It just reeks to me. Besides, I gotta admit, maybe my “agressive tone” is what has helped this thread be so busy and get so long! Which I think is good. I am enjoying reading the points of view.
Anecdote: My 10-year high school reunion is coming up. So I was looking at the classmates.com web site, looking up all my old classmates, etc. And I found myself shocked that all these girls I went to school with had changed their names. It saddened me because to me, it’s like they are giving up their identities. Maybe it’s because a lot of women I know who get married young, they really do give up their identity and their whole life starts to revolve around that fact that they have a husband. They seem to give up their independence and strength and the whole name changing is one illustration of this.
I just feel it would be so disrespectful of me to my parents if I have up my last name. I want to honor my family, and keep my family identity.
I have had three last names since I was born. I am still me, regardless of those last names – one was from my father (who is no father), one is from my step-father who adopted me, and one is from my ex-husband.
I am so much more than a last name, and my family connections are so much more than a last name.
I am not sure either, birdgirl, why you get so riled up. You might want to do some exploring on that, and also the notion of respect/disrepect to your family in terms of your last name. I’d be curious what you come up with for the extreme reaction you experience.
