When I’m single, I hate being single. I don’t like dating. I hate trying to figure out who people really are, because it seems like everyone is on their best (ie fake) behavior for the first 3-6 months. But when I’m in a relationship, I hate being in a relationship. I don’t like having to answer to someone else, I don’t like compromise, and I definitely need “alone time.”
That said, I’ve been working my ass off trying to overcome my own issues with relationships. I just moved in with a guy I’ve been seeing for about a year. He is generally a very nice guy, but there are things about him that are starting to grate on my nerves, things that I probably knew about since Day One but seemed so minor before we moved in together.
He’s a slob. This is something I truly did not know at first, because he worked so hard to keep his apartment clean when we started dating. Now there’s dirty dishes, dirty clothes, pet hair EVERYWHERE and he acts like it’s my job to keep things in order (note that he does not directly ask me to clean for him, he just ignores the mess until it becomes overwhelming)
He doesn’t listen. This one is totally stupid and minor, but it drives me up a wall. I hate onions, but he continues to put onions in everything and then acts like I’m crazy when I don’t want to eat it. He thinks it’s funny to teasingly pinch my arm and I’ve expressed my distaste for this “game” but he keeps doing it anyway (and then denies it).
He’s not emotionally demonstrative. This I feel is becoming the biggest problem, because he used to be very touchy-feely and now it’s almost completely dried up. I understand moving in together “changes” things, but I can’t accept that this is the life I may have signed up for, after only a year!
So those are some of the bad things, they’re all somewhat silly, and there are lots of good things about him too. But I’m starting to feel like it would be easier to just be single. Not that I want to date someone else, but just that dating in and of itself is too much trouble. Please note that I’ve felt this same thing with pretty much every guy I’ve ever gone out with for any length of time, so I don’t know if it’s that the relationship isn’t right or if it’s my neuroses at work.
Ultimately I guess I don’t know what I want. I feel like I might be making a huge mistake if I tossed him back in the sea-- he is a good person and he makes me laugh and we usually have a good time just hanging out, and that is NOT EASY to find. But is that all there is? I’m only in my early 30s and I can’t believe there’s no passion in this relationship at all anymore.
You say you hate being single, but go on to complain about how much you hate dating. How do you feel about being single and not actively looking for a relationship?
What you describe is pretty common, but not in a healthy relationship (at least not to that degree… or that early on). There’s even a great quote to describe the feeling, which I’ve always found appropriate: ‘If you don’t like someone, the way he holds his spoon makes you furious; if you like him, he can turn his plate over into your lap and you won’t mind.’
This may just be a settling in period. Even people who spend every minute together are in for some surprises when they move in together, but usually the good outweighs the bad and they can talk about the rest.
Have a lame, really literal talk with him – I don’t like your pinching game. I feel like you’re taking my cleaning for granted. I do. Not. Like. Onions. If he can’t stand to even discuss this all, then you have a real problem.
A couple of observations, and a couple of questions:
Observation #1: It sounds like you and he are a good match as friends, but not as rommmates or as romantic/dating partners.
Observation #2: You don’t mention the L-word. But his behavior toward you doesn’t sound very loving. And by love I don’t mean mainly passion or warm fuzzy feelings, but caring about the other person’s well-being and wanting them to be happy.
Question #1: What is it you hate about being single?
Question #2: Do you love him? Does he love you? Do you want a relationship based on love (whether with him or with someone else)?
As a messy person, I want to say that we honestly do have a higher tolerance for mess than you neat people (or at least some of us do). We don’t clean because the mess really does not bother us, not because we’re passive-aggressively (is that a word?) trying to get you to clean it for us. Really. I don’t understand people who “can’t relax when the house is a mess”. It’s easy- you just go sit or lie down and do something interesting. I’m not ignoring the mess even though it actually does bother me- it really doesn’t, unless I’m looking for something and can’t find it, or I want to eat and there are no clean dishes.
How old is he? I had this problem in high school, as did a lot of people I knew, but it got less common as my friends and I got older and were dating more mature guys. This strikes me as a very immature thing to do. Remember also that growing older is mandatory, but growing up is optional- some guys never will do it.
Or he may be one of those people who think there’s something morally wrong about not liking some food. Some of these people seem to think it’s their duty to sneak whatever you say you don’t like into your food, to prove to you that you really do like it. They might justify it by saying “starving people in insert name of country or continent here would love to have this.” I’ve got news for them, though- your eating or not eating something is in no way going to make one bit of difference to a starving person on the other side of the world. At any rate, he needs to learn that he doesn’t get to dictate what other adults will eat.