I simply have to get some of this out, as it is festering inside me. My boyfriend of six months and I just broke up, and it is shredding my insides. I am counseling myself by writing this all out.
A little background: I am a single mother of two wonderful, young children (2 and 4.5). Their father decided to have nothing to do with any of us, and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of him for over nine months. I have been divorced for over a year, but alone for all of my life.
Enter “Blaze,” the man who was simply meant to be a diversion for a couple of months before I moved, but who turned in to the best friend I have ever had.
It was a perfect romance. He treats me like a queen, adores my children. He takes us on mini-vacations, to places we have never been. While canoeing, he caught a baby soft shell turtle and showed it to my daughter. While having breakfast at a cafe one morning, I ordered hot chocolate only to be told they were out. A couple of minutes later, Blaze excuses himself, walks across the parking lot to a convenience store, and brings me back a hot chocolate. I could go on and on about the hundreds of tiny things, words, deeds he has done for me and my children. And I know he loves us.
So why the breakup? He is not sure what path his life is meant to take. He’s thought about being a husband and a father, but he isn’t sure if he is meant to live a single life and just help others.
His father, a minister, had this to say: He was not happy with his travelling job. Now, he isn’t happy with the job he has. He is searching for something that cannot be found in a job, nor can it be found in a relationship with a woman. He needs to find his way back to a relationship with God. Something along those lines. And his advice to me is to be friendly when he calls, but be busy. Brush him off a bit, and let him see what life is like without me at all.
It all is so very painful, but I think his father is right. If I am not completely out of his life, he won’t know what it is to be without me and the kids. And, I might as well start looking for someone else to fill the spot in my life that he obviously does not want to fill right now.
Well, enough ramblings. Lord knows I have written page after page these last few days. If I could put as much energy into creative fiction writing as I do into my own crazy psyche, I might have a best seller yet…