So my girlfriend and I broke up.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Most of y’all don’t know me or even recognize my username, I’m sure, so please don’t feel like you have to respond or send hugs or anything just because you read this. I’m posting this because I want to tell someone all this stuff and I don’t really know who; so, thanks to the quasi-anonymity here, I’m posting here.

So my girlfriend and I broke up.

She’s smart and brave and funny and amazingly pretty. Her hair’s long and she’d work for an hour each morning to get it to curl just right. She used to dance like she didn’t care if the world watched. She loves Buffy and Angel and Firefly and just about anything to do with vampires. She would try to take care of me when I wasn’t feeling well, even though I’m even more an ass then. She’s a champion shopper, too; she more than once wore me slick while out on a buying excursion. And she could kiss, too; I’ve never before kissed a woman that made me feel like I could lose myself in the kissing (I think Bill Cosby did a bit on kissing until your mouth was raw - we did that. Often.). She always laid out a big spread for the holidays and welcomed my family over, even though their beliefs (mormon) were markedly different from her family’s. She was great at her job (which looks like it will be going away - thanks, BRAC) and cared about doing it right and timely (which was pretty unusual in the group of people she works with). She loves her children and her grandbabies whole-heartedly. We’d been together for a little over six years. We used to hold hands like teenagers when we went out. And, god, could she laugh; she’d laugh so that you couldn’t help laughing with her. She’d laugh at the stupid jokes I’d tell her, not because they were funny, but because she liked to see me act goofy.

And about a month and a half ago, everything fell apart for us. We had a big fight that we just couldn?t get past (about the kids (hers, if it matters - I don’t have any of my own)). It got nasty and went on for about two weeks, at the end of which, I found myself living somewhere else. Up until that last day, I really thought we were going to find a way to make things work out. She was always so good at fixing whatever was wrong with us - much better than I. But we were both angry and hurt. She used to give in to me years ago when we fought, but she’s so much stronger now and much more sure of herself. I’d told her that she oughtn’t do that (give in because she was scared); that she should stand her ground. I can still picture her, beautiful and angry (and glaring at me, and while that still hurts, I was so proud of her for not backing down).

I still have a tough time thinking that I’m not going home to her tonight, or any other night. I miss her all the time and, despite conventional wisdom, it hasn’t gotten any better since we split up. She called me last night, and, among other things, told me that she isn’t doing any better. I wish I could have the last three months back to change things and fix what was broken with us before we ended up here, but that’s not really an option. Neither of us is really sure what went wrong or how we ended up here. I always thought she was The One (well, okay, maybe not right off, but after the first year or two, I was convinced). She was sure long before I, though.

She told me I didn’t make her feel important. I don’t know how that happened. Maybe it would have been more accurate to say I took her for granted, which I didn’t mean to do, but there’s no way that I wouldn’t have thought of her as the most important person in my life. I guess i should have found a way to let her know that.

I still worry about her, if she’s able to make ends meet or how the kids are doing (especially the grandbabies). I want to make sure that her house is in good shape (not that I’m much of a handyman, but I fixed most things there). I want to make sure she’s all right. I mostly want to call her and tell her that I miss her and that I love her and that I’d do anything to make this right. But things are too far gone for that.

I wish I had a point to this, but I don’t (and I’m sure that to just about everyone but me, this is pretty mundane, too). There doesn’t seem to be a point to much right now. I just wanted to get this out and see if it would help any.

2

Okay, let’s make sure I have this right - you love her, and want to be with her. She loves you, and wants to be with you. Neither of you are sure why you broke up. Seriously, dude, if there ever was a relationship posted about on these boards where the people involved should roll up their sleeves and try to make it work, it sounds like yours is it.

Would it be possible for the two of you to try couple’s counselling? It doesn’t sound like you two should give up just yet. I can just hear Dr. Phil - “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

3

Give it another shot. Please, for the sake of all us romantics out here.

4

Well what is the worst thing that could happen now if you were to do that? She might say, “too late.” And you are still in the same situation. But what if saying that now made a difference to her. What if that changed things?

And what is the worst thing that could happen if you don’t tell her again? You’ll always wonder if maybe you had made the effort one more time, it might have been different.

Just make sure you have really tried everything you could, so you won’t have that “what if” haunting you.

Good luck, I know what a rough time it is.

5

If these are adult kids you’re fighting about, there has to be a way to work through it. You need to revisit it. Give it another shot. At least get together and discuss it.

6

There seem to be several reasons we can’t make this work out, many of which revolve around me not being the person she needed me to be. I’m reminded that sometimes things just don’t work out.

The kids referenced are 15 (she’s got five kids, from 15 to 31). And one of the major issues we had was with child rearing (I guess the particulars of that aren’t important any longer). Not that we never fought about her adult kids. I suppose we had our share of fights; but we managed to fix all but one of them.

I’ve thought that maybe after her kids are grown, we might try again, but that’s at least four years away and the realist/cynic in me says that it just won’t happen.

7

Please try to work things out, especially around the holidays. I hate to see things come to an end when Christmas time is around because it involves so much family time together. I feel bad that you might be alone during the holidays without the one you love.

8

You will never find another like her.
You will never feel about another the way you feel about her.
You will never be happy that this is the way it ended up.
Period

Call her and do what you must to save this or you will carry the regret in your heart for the rest of your life.
Do it now.

9

She called me tonight. She was drunk. Well beyond the “fun drunk” stage. I know she wanted me to tell her all sorts of things, but I just couldn’t. She’s kind of mean when she drinks and I don’t think she’ll remember this tomorrow. She said I was never emotional enough, always too logical (more truth there than not). She also said she wanted me to come sleep with her. I told her that she was drunk (very drunk) and that she needed to sleep it off. I knew it was wrong when I said it, but it just sort of came out. I called her cell later (partly so I wouldn’t have to talk to the kids and partly so I wouldn’t have to talk to her) and left a message. I told her that I miss her all the time and that I love her still and that of course I still wanted to sleep with her, but that it would hurt too much. I’m thinking right now that whatever dim chance we had, I squashed tonight.

I’ll try to talk to her tomorrow, after she’s sobered up.

10

I think you actually handled that pretty well. The time to be having deep, intense discussions about relationships is not when one party is falling-down drunk.

I don’t understand why you are fighting over her kids. Are you in a parental role for them? Do they come between you and her? With the youngest at 15, it’s not like they are extremely demanding of her time. She should have time for a committed relationship as well as relationships with adult children.

11

OK, the romantic in me is wanting to grab you by the collar, shake you a little, and tell you not to let her go.
Think about it this way: Four years is an awful long way down the road. If she’s as good of a catch as you say, what makes you think that either of you will still be single by then?
Not to mention the fact that whether or not the kids are around, unless you get it straightened out now, the same problem will be hanging over your head…whether it’s 4 years or 4 decades.

From everything you’ve told us, you really did appreciate everything she did; you just had a hard time letting her know how much you did notice. IMHO, when she called last night and told you that you weren’t emotional enough, that’s a small hint on how to get back on track to working this out. Talk to her and tell her the same way you wrote to us…tell her about how she always got it right. Tell her about how you liked kissing her until your mouth was raw. Tell her everything you told us. Heck, if you even want to score some points, show her the post you put on here…

Bottom line is that now is the time to lay your emotions bare for her to see. Go and have a nice long talk about everything you talked to us about. Let her know you do appreciate everything she’s done…but most of all, let her know how much you appreciate her

Good luck!

12

Well said. Good advice and WELCOME to the SDMB! We’re glad you’re here.

13

You guys are in the middle of a seriously ugly fight – but you haven’t broken up, and unless you’re a total jerk, you won’t force it to be about that.

She sounds like she’s worth putting forth the effort to stay with – and if that means you have to talk once in a while, so be it. As the song says, “Tell her you love her.”

14

Or somebody else will.

15

One more request that you two give it another chance, please?

Let me ask one few question, though.

You’ve been together for six years and her youngest child is (are?) 15. That means her kids have known you for a fair amount of their lives and you’ve been part of their lives for some pretty important stuff. What do they think of you and have you considered the notion that they might miss you, too?

Look, I’m in love with a hyperlogical man who doesn’t show his emotions much and who’s no good with words. It can be frustrating, especially when I need to hear the words, “I love you” and he doesn’t understand why because I already do. No matter how strong, tough, and competent some of us can appear, it’s still a big, old, frightening world out there sometimes and I could use some reassurance sometimes. No, it isn’t strictly rational or logical; it’s human. Yes, I have doubted my gentleman friend sometimes, not because I have a low opinion of him, but because I’m still amazed that a brilliant, funny, together man like him could actually love a neurotic wretch like me. That’s why I’ve asked for words he hasn’t been able to say; the same may well be true of your girlfriend.

Do you two have a mutual, trusted friend who can serve as moderator/interpreter? Someone who can help out when what you’re hearing isn’t what she’s actually trying to say or vice versa? It seems to me you’ve already agreed on the ground rules: you love each other and don’t want the marriage to end. You’re logical; she’s good at fixing things. Let’s see if you can fix this. A counselor or member of the clergy can be good at helping with this sort of thing, although there are some dead rotten ones out there, which is why I suggested a friend first.

Ladies Home Journal runs a column called “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Hang on, here’s a link to it. The link’s a bit slow to upload and annoying, but it’s got the columns on-line. Why don’t you read through them and see if you can find some advice that might work for the two of you? The local library should also have back issues available.

This isn’t going to be easy, but from all you’ve written, she sounds worth it. Sometimes what it looks like people are arguing about on the surface isn’t the real issue, and sometimes they don’t know themselves what the real issue is.

Please, give it another try, both of you? You see, I’m hopelessly romantic myself, and a logical man who’s a good kisser, even if he is a bit difficult at times and not good at endearments is hard to find and a sad thing to lose.

Good luck,
CJ

16

First off, thanks for the kind words and replies.

featherlou, Yeah, the kids come/came between us a lot. She wanted me to be more of a parental figure than I’m willing to be, but I wasn’t really able to keep my mouth shut about about what she was, in my opinion, doing wrong as a parent (in a nutshell, I don’t feel she makes her kids, even the adult ones, take any responsibility for themselves or their actions - I feel that a parent’s job is to prepare their children to be able to make it on their own; she feels that a parent’s job is to love their children and to bail them out of whatever trouble they get in, no matter what. That may make it sound like I don’t think she should help her kids out; that’s no the case. But I do feel that children have to learn that there are consequences for their actions that they will have to deal with).

The kids and I were ok with each other, but I wasn’t a parent to them and I wasn’t a friend, either - it was kind of awkard between us.

For those who’ve asked: I told her every day we were together that I loved her. Many times. The problem seems to be in not having shown her (or possibly in showing it in ways that she didn’t recognise).

She called me back yesterday morning to apologise for calling while drunk. She said she knew at the time that drinking that much while she was upset was a bad idea and that she wasn’t going to ever get that drunk again. She got the message I’d left on her cell and asked me if that was really the way I felt or if I was just trying to appease her.

I told her that, yeah, that was pretty much how I feel. She told me that she’d like to see me, if I was willing; say at a bookstore of coffee shop or something (someplace low-pressure where we’d be able to talk) and we left it at that.

I called her today to see if she’d want to meet me at the bookstore in Town Center that we used to go to a lot. She said she couldn’t as she had to work and had promised to take her kids to see the new Harry Potter film, but we agreed to try again another night (won’t be tomorrow, but maybe Tuesday).

I’m hopeful beyond all reason here. I don’t know what will come of this meeting, but I’ve missed her so much and I can’t wait to see her; it’s been all I’ve been able to think about since I decided yesterday that I’d call her.

17

Please, for the sake of all of us romantics out here, try to work these difficulties out with her. For what it’s worth, I think you’re right, that the kids need to not get bailed out all the time for their own good, but they’re her kids, and I can see why she wouldn’t appreciate having her parenting skills questioned. This is a thorny situation - I strongly recommend that you see an objective, third party counsellor type for some advice on how to negotiate a compromise you can both live with.

Her youngest is 15. When (s)he leaves home in approximately 3 years, your girlfriend will be alone if she doesn’t have a relationship. She’s not going to be a full-time mom in a couple of years, and she will probably want some adult company at that point (and before). I’m not saying she should put you ahead of her kids, but the kids aren’t going to be around pretty soon. Do you think she realizes that?

18

I think that breaking up was a very smart idea. Listen. She has children. They are her first responsibility. To have you in their home, as “neither a parental figure nor a friend” to the children, is a very awkward situation. If you just wanted to date HER and pretend that “she” doesn’t include “them,” you should have lived in separate places and kept the relationship casual. But to move into her home, under the same roof as these children, and pretend that you can somehow maintain this aloofness re her kids, is a pipe dream. If you live in their house and are dating the mother, guess what? You ARE a step-parent whether you accept it or not. So either grow up and act like one, which means hammering out some sort of mutually agreeable method of dealing with the children (go to counseling if you must), or stay broken up.

You can’t just dissect this woman and take pleasure in the parts that please you and pretend that the other parts just don’t exit. You say you’d do anything to make this relationship work. Frankly, I don’t believe you because I don’t see any indication that YOU are willing to change on this point. I will tell you this: just about all parents fight about the proper way to discipline the kids.

19

Please keep us posted bauble, i wish nothing but the best for you.

20

At this point, I think the best I can hope for is that we’ll be able to work things out to the point where we’ll be able to see each other (maybe romantically, maybe not). I don’t know what else to do at this point (won’t know if counselling is an option until after I talk with her and find out how she feels about it). We hadn’t spoken for the four or five weeks prior to this and that’s really made me unsure of how things will go with her.

First, thanks for taking the time and effort to voice the less popular viewpoint. That’s often not an easy thing to do.

There’s a lot to what you’ve said, but there are also factors that haven’t come to light here (i.e. we weren’t going to live together until her ex decided to cause trouble - threatening her, whom he’d beaten before, and the kids; vandalizing her car and house, etc; I was spending a lot of nights there to make sure there was someone who could deal with him when he showed up (not that that took a lot of arm-twisting) and I just kind of migrated over. I know it isn’t the best reasoning ever for moving in, but it wasn’t like we sat down and discussed the “bauble isn’t good with kids” vs. “bauble’s girlfriend has five kids in the house that she has to take care of” issue and decided that it was irrelevant, either (and, yes, she had five at home at that time) ).

I didn’t want to love a woman with kids, or who was a smoker, for that matter. But it happened. Hell, I didn’t want to be in love at all, but it seems that sometimes we don’t have much choice in these things.

Her kids SHOULD be her first priority, I agree. And maybe I’ve made it seem that I don’t care for them; if so, that’s my bad. I care very much for her children and I really want the best for them, too. I’ve stayed up with them when they were sick and waited up to make sure they got home all right when they were out late (mind you, I’m not saying I was the only one to do these things, just trying to illustrate a point). I’ve run them to the hospital when they were sick or hurt. So it isn’t that I don’t care, I’m just not good parenting material.