So my girlfriend and I broke up.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Caring very much for her children, taking care of them when they’re sick, etc. are all “good parenting” acts. You seem very reluctant to admit this. You say you didn’t want to fall in love with a single parent. Well, she can’t change who she is. But you can, if you are willing to change.

Unlike other people, when someone tells me “I don’t want kids” I don’t try to convince them that they’re mistaken. If you honestly don’t want to deal with all the issues that come with having kids, then for everyone’s sake, walk away. The kids have already been through enough upheaval already. Dad is a psycho and you and their mother broke up over them. If anyone needs some stability and a good male role model, it is them. If this can’t be you, then do them a favor and let mom find someone who will be.

22

Well, we talked tonight. Hadn’t planned on it, but I was at Wal-Mart as was she. We talked for about half and hour and the upshot is that I still love her and she still loves me and we miss each other terribly. But this thing between us is more than she thinks we can fix and, truthfully, the fixing (much as PunditLisa has suggested) might be beyond what I’m capable of.

We said we’d stay in touch and still hang out from time to time. I don’t know that that’s the best idea, but I want to keep her in my life too much to pass it up.

I’m still kinda scattered, but here’s some of what went on:

She’s coming down with something - there’s a bug going around, kind of a chest/bronchial thing - but doesn’t want to see the doctor yet. I think it’s because she’s depressed.

She said her kids are acting up worse than before and one of them is blaming her for it (says he’s reacting to her stress and that’s making him mis-behave). Bullshit, I say, but not out loud.

Her daughter and two grandbabies have moved back in with her, and that’s stressing her a lot, but daughter’s living arrangements on her own were unacceptable.

I held her for a little bit, in the parking lot. She felt so right in my arms. We both cried a little then (yes, I’m a big, tough guy and a vet and I’ve got a ton of scars and I hadn’t shed a tear in nearly a quarter-century until tonight, but that’s what happened).

She said she wanted me to date and start seeing other people, as there was no fixing what’s between us. She said she thought it might have been worse (that is, a bigger, nastier fight) if it had happened later.

I didn’t get to say everything I wanted, but that’s my fault: when I get upset, my voice kind of stops working. Annoying as hell. But I did tell her that I still love her and that I miss her.

PunditLisa, I really didn’t like hearing what you said, but it looks like you were right. Part of me is trying to find a reason to be angry with you, but I know this is really on me. Thanks for being honest.

23

I still think you would benefit from a good relationship counsellor, since you seem to sincerely love each other, but if you both agree that you can’t work out your differences and you make a break, make it a clean one so you can both go on with your lives. It will break your heart over and over again to keep hanging out with her.

24

I’ll suggest couselling the next time we talk. It’s not my favorite idea in the world, I’ll admit, but if it can help, I’m willing to try.

25

bauble, I feel for you, I really do. One thing you absolutely must straighten out in your own mind is what kind of role you want to fill in her kids’ lives. You can’t seperate your relationship with her from your relationship with them, not if you want to be anything more than the most casual sort of friend. I think that maybe the root cause of some of the problems you’ve been having. I understand your not wanting to get involved with a woman with kids, but that’s part of her as surely as her courage and prettiness. It sounds like you’ve managed to avoid at least some parts of dealing with it for six years, but I don’t think that’ll work any more. I understand how you feel – I’m not all that good with kids myself – but it sounds like you decided long ago that her other qualities make her worth it. I’m not a Dr. Laura “kids take priority over every single other thing and you’re a horrible person if you think otherwise for even a fraction of a second!” type, but the kids were there first and they need her more than you do, no matter how they’re acting.

In my opinion (never married, no kids), if you want a future with this woman, you must be clear in your own mind what you want a relationship with her kids to be and you have to be prepared to talk to her about that, and it needs to be you who starts the conversation. If you’re not prepared to do that, brace yourself for the pain and walk away. It’ll be better for both of you.

I wish you well in painful times,
CJ

26

Please do. From what you’ve said here, it sounds like your girlfriend has a certain amount of baggage from her ex-husband, and she and her kids could both use some counselling for that. I don’t know what a relationship counsellor would address, but I imagine (s)he would at least touch on the kids and how they are being raised and their roles in the home, since that is one of your issues. Give it a try - the worst that can happen is that you lose this relationship, but it sounds like you’re almost there anyway.

27

If I may be so bold, your situation with your stepkids sounds a lot like mine with my stepdad. He and mom started dating when I was 12 and my brother was 10, and they got married a few years later. Mom always wanted us to “bond” with each other, but for various reasons, it just wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t very emotional, we had big personality differences, and I don’t think my brother or I would’ve accepted him in a parenting role. When my brother and I were about 15 and 17, we agreed that he was “that okay guy who lives with us.” I’m sure if Mom had heard that, she would’ve been upset, but for us, that was a good working arrangement. He didn’t try to parent us, and we respected him.

Alright, so what’s my point here? I guess it’s that she may want you to parent more, but that’s not necessarily what’s going to work, especially if it’s not what her kids want. I’m going to echo some of the other people in here and suggest that a counselor might be able to help you, her and the kids sort out what kind of relationship you’re all comfortable with.

28

I appreciate it. Good luck to you. And to her. Sounds like she could use a friend. You’ve been that to her, at the very least.

29

If you liked PunditLisa, you’ll love this.
YOU WERE A SAP!
I’ve been in your situation (not that many kids, etc…) and you were wrong all along, except for where PL said you were. If you are to get into a relationship with a woman with any number of kids her first priority should be you, not the kids (look, these kids are almost as old as you [hyperbole, of course.]) If you aren’t her first priority, she shouldn’t be getting into a relationship.

She doesn’t still love you. If she still loved you, you would be with her. She wouldn’t be recommending you dating somebody else. On the romance meter, you are less than zero.
She seems very, very dysfunctional to me. (And you just boiled over into a rage because hh “doesn’t understand” because “she’s special” or “she’s different” and all of that, I bet.) You were fortunate. It is these weak ones that have a curious attraction for many good men, but they also seem to attract, and stay with, the real losers.
Please believe that I have been in similar no-win (for you) situations, countless times. Listening to all of these people trying to tell you to try and patch it up and work it out is what keeps the impressionable romantic in you tied up in knots. Here you are mooning your heart out, and where is girlfriend? If you want to be a doormat (and believe me, you will never be anything more) keep talking to her and telling her that you love her. And be sure to do more work on her house.

If you ever think that she will again, or does love you now, you have my sympathy. If however she wants to go out and about with you, that’s good, because that way, the other chickies can see that you are a valuable commodity.

30

That’s always a tough time wrt step-child/parent relationships. I met my future wife when her daughter was just turning thirteen, and we got married about eighteen months later. At that age you really can’t do any of the bonding stuff you’d do with a younger child, like taking them to the zoo and so forth. And being male, particularly, you have to keep an appropriate distance. I don’t think I’m really anything more than “that okay guy who married Mom”, and I suppose that’s normal given the situation.

31

handsomeharry bitter much? I’d say you’re projecting how you feel about yourself onto the OP. Why don’t you go get some kind of counseling to work this out of your system? You’re pretty well crippled by it now, though I’m sure it doesn’t seem that way to you.

32

I’m still mulling over Bauble’s earlier comment that she can get mean when she drinks.

That’d be enough for me to want to end a relationship and move on.

33

I hope that it goes without saying that I meant “on HER romance meter…”

Sorry, pal.

hh

34

I had a pretty similar relationship with my stepdad. During the period he was trying to parent me/I was trying to be dutiful daughter, we fought constantly (as did he and my mom). Finally, he said something that ended it for me. I treated him politely, but coldly, for years. Now I’m in my mid thirties, and I can see him as an adult. He’s pretty cool, and fun to be around, and very lovable. But he’s not my dad. I think we’re both pretty happy with that solution.

mischievous

35

That’s kind of what I was shooting for. Might have worked, too, if I’d managed to keep my mouth shut. I’d’ve been tickled to be considered “that okay guy that lives with us”, but, again, that would have required me keeping my mouth shut about things I didn’t want to get into (parenting), and I just wouldn’t leave that alone.

No problem; that’s how I read it. I don’t know if I agree or not, though (I will say that I don’t think I’m a very romantic guy, so not registering on her romance meter does hit kind of close).

36

This will probably be my last post to this thread.
We met today to talk and get some shopping done (we both need to finish our x-mas shopping). We got along fine, with no fighting or accusations. But she doesn’t want to get back together. She didn’t say it in so many words, but that’s the gist of it. She said she really didn’t want to be seeing anyone now or in the forseeable future. And that I shouldn’t expect us to be able to jump back into a relationship with her (I knew that - we’ve got lots to work on before we could even think about a relationship again…but of course I was hoping). Which I think was a nice way of telling me that we can be friends, but I had my shot and I blew it.

Thanks for the kind words an thoughts, guys and thanks for the less-than-kind words that turned out to be more relevant.

Thanks for listening, guys.

37

bauble, are you sure you’re the one who blew it? She sounds like she might have some issues. From what little we know about it, I wouldn’t say that she was blameless in this whole thing. It almost sounds like she might have a bit of a martyr complex going on, and breaking up with you plays into that. Just my thoughts, for what the thoughts of a stranger on a message board are worth.

38

I’m sorry it hasn’t turned out the way you had hoped it would. I hope it has turned out the for the best, for you at least.
Good luck and thanks for letting us in.